unchained

twenty-one

"I want you all to myself,
don't leave none for nobody else.
I am an animal with you.
no angels could beckon me back,
It's hotter than hell where I'm at.
I am an animal with you"

Phil
3:31pm

I had no idea where Dan was taking me, he had taken me by the hand and told me to close my eyes, but it didn't take long before he stopped us.
I opened my eyes to find myself in the middle of a field, the graveyard closeby. I recognised the field immediately. We used to come here all the time after school, and my house could be viewed in the distance from the top of the hill.
Dan smiled broadly as my eyes flashed before him, scanning the field and reminiscing over our time here together all those years ago. It was also the place where I first told Dan that I loved him, but I'm not sure if he would remember that part. I know he didn't love me back. He didn't then, either. Yet, here I was, agreeing to see him one last time before he breaks my heart all over. It's pathetic really, I know. His smile makes me buckle at the knees, and when I think about him I become weak. When I'm with him, however, it's a completely different ball game. No one other than Dan makes me feel as empowered and as high.

He sat down, crossing his legs excitedly like a child. I just chuckled and sat beside him.
We lay, basking in the serenity at the top of the hill overlooking the countryside field in front of us. We leant back on the grass hidden in the shade of the tree above, our elbows behind us, our legs stretched out in front of us, brushing against each other's ankles gently and intentionally.

"I'm sick of feeling alone, Phil." Dan finally said, tilting his head towards me.
I thought for a moment. I wasn't going to make the same mistake I made last time. I wasn't going to worry about him leaving, I was just going to tell him exactly how I felt about him and enjoy the last moments we would spend together.

"Run away with me, Dan. We can leave it all behind and start our own life, together." I said, and I meant it.
"You know I have to go back soon," he began softly.
"I know. I wish I could come with you."
We both knew I couldn't. If it was anyone who had to make the sacrifice for our relationship it was Dan, but he was too chained to his life back in America to want to run away with me, and I wasn't going to wait around for him to ask me to go with him because that would never happen. He would have too much to deal with if he went back home.

He would sadly never be able to show me off to the people he knew back in America, because they wouldn't understand. They didn't know our history and it would be too soon after his relationship with Amelia.

I knew Dan, he had barely changed. He was still too inside his own head to break the cycle and let go. He was still too committed to his old life to try and unchain himself for me.
We both knew I was deep in debt and I had to look after my dad - the only family I had left. I would love to run away with Dan but I had spent too long waiting for him to come back the first time. It hurt to much to get over him. I said I could handle getting over him, but I couldn't, it was too much, and I wasn't going to risk putting myself through that again. Besides, he didn't love me as much as I loved him.

He didn't reply, instead, he leaned in closer, and I didn't refuse his gaze fixed upon my lips. Before I knew it, he had placed his lips on mine, and he was clasping my face with his soft hand. I entangled my fingers with his brown curls, the sun glistening down on us from a distance, and a light breeze blowing against our faces as the tree leaves rustled.

I felt an intense surge of fluttering warmth spread across my chest as he deepened the kiss. I had never felt so ecstatic yet so weak at the same time. We pulled away delicately, and he swept his hands away from my face as though I was fragile and would shatter to pieces if he wasn't careful.

"What was that for?" I giggled.
Again, he didn't answer, he just smiled wider than ever before. I didn't want to press him any further because I didn't want to face the reality of him leaving tomorrow, and the answer I would get from him. His response would simply be the harsh truth that he didn't love me back, he had kissed me to placate me because it was the second time I told him I loved him, embarrassingly.
He probably thought he was helping me, but it was only tearing me up inside more than it had done before. I shoved those feelings aside for the time being. I wasn't throwing myself at him when I knew I would get nothing in return. Another reason why I couldn't go with him. He just didn't love me like I loved him.

"Promise me, whoever you're with in the next seven years, you'll be happy and you'll be free." I said, brushing my fingertips across his cheeks.
He didn't reply, he simply gazed at me.
"Promise me," I persisted.
"I promise." He said.

***
great I'm I'll again so I might not be updating for a while :(