unchained

eighteen

Dan
12:34pm

After five days of moping around in my pyjamas like I was a teenager all over again, my hair unkempt and unclean, my room a state, I finally decided to take a shower to rid myself of the past week.

The sensation of the hot liquid pouring down my skin was something I had dearly missed, due the fact that I had been too heart-broken to move.
I closed my eyes as the steam soaked into my skin, washing my pain away. Running my hands through my darkened hair, I immersed myself in each drop. All the hurt, all the anger - it was slowly fading away. I knew it would only be a temporary release, a quick fix of escapism, but this rare feeling of pure liberation reminded me of the feeling I only ever experienced with Phil and Phil alone.

Once again, Phil's potent words had left traces on my mind and were sounding in the back of my head on a loop.

"Life's too short to waste time being unhappy, Dan."

The very thought of him made my insides churn, as though someone had reached a hand into my chest and tried to latch onto my heart. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about him, to the point where I was really getting sick of my own false feelings towards him. I didn't miss him as much as I was telling myself, it was just the initial heart break of my relationship with Amelia spilling over into the events which happened with Phil. That's all it was, I reassured myself that that's all it was.
He hadn't even tried to visit me. Then again, I had shoved him away, a decision I was still battling with morally. I was adamant that I made the right decision for my relationship with Amelia, maybe I should have rid Phil of my life earlier, then Amelia and I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. But over the past five days, my feelings for Phil had become even more conflicted.

I stepped out of the tub and onto the cold, ceramic flooring and dried myself off. I laboriously picked out a clean set of clothes and dressed myself painfully slowly.

If I could just get clean and dress myself, it would perhaps bring about a sense of normality to my life again; another thing I had missed in my state of grief for my old life with Amelia. The water-fall feeling the shower gave still lingering in my nerves, I padded into the living area, horrified by my ability to let it end up in the state it was. Pizza boxes littered the area, napkins had been strewn over the couch and half-drank cups of water had been abandoned on the coffee table with no coasters underneath. The hotel manager was going to throw me out if I didn't get my act together. I was going to lose my shit if I didn't get my act together.

I spent over an hour tediously cleaning the living area and vacuuming my hotel room, until it was near enough spotless, maybe even cleaner than it had been before I arrived. As I reached over to grab the rubbish bag, I spotted something shining in the corner of my eye, something I had missed whilst cleaning. Squinting confusedly, I bent over to pick up the object, which I recognised instantly as Amelia's bracelet. I pocketed her jewellery frustratedly, and dragged the bag to the kitchen, casting the bracelet onto the coffee table after I did so.

With a heavyweight sigh, I slumped down onto the couch wearily, my weak body threatening to buckle over and send me to sleep, but I forced myself to sit up. I had to get over Phil and Amelia sometime.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was probably one of the other residents asking me to quieten down from all the vacuuming. I exhaled deeply once again, gritting my teeth at the fact that I had to get up.

Opening the door, the face of a disheveled and wary Amelia greeted me. I took one look at her and proceeded to shut the door and walk away, but she stopped the door from closing in one swift action with her hand. "You're going to have to talk to me at some point," she said, her tone soft with remorse.
"No I don't."
I began to turn away.
"Dan, wait-"
I turned around reluctantly, shaking my head. "What are you doing here?"
"I was just wondering if you still had my bracelet. You might not believe me when I say this but it means a lot to me."
I scowled at her and turned on my heel, this time leaving the door open. I snatched the bracelet from the coffee table and planted it into the palm of her hand.
"There," I said, closing the door again.
She stopped me once more, looking morosely into my eyes. Then almost out of nowhere, her face began to contort into a surge of hurt and tears began to stream down her face.
I let her stand there for a moment. My head was telling me to comfort her but my heart was telling me to be strong and send her away.

I just couldn't help it, I had always been too in my own head, anyway.
I held my arms out limply for her to fall into. I was broken too, and I needed the comfort. She immediately wrapped herself around me as she used to. It felt different this time, her touch was burning through my clothes guiltily.
Small patches of tears began to soak into my shirt.
"Y-you don't think you could take me back, do you? You don't think there's any chance we can work this out?" She sobbed.
Still cradling her weakly, I titled my head away from hers. It physically pained me to hold her as though she was mine again. The warmth of her body was the alleviation I needed right now to bring a sense of familiarity to me.
I didn't respond, I simply clenched my jaw to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

She looked up at me, still holding me tightly. Leaning in, she began to kiss me softly. I titled my head downwards, a tear rolling down my cheek. I didn't kiss her back, I just stood with my eyes closed, fighting so desperately not to cry. Realising I was too broken to retaliate, she began to plant kisses around my mouth too, and she moved to my neck.
I winced slightly. This time it was different, her kisses felt cheated as they ripped through my tender skin. Suddenly, more tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I pulled away from her.
"This isn't fair," I croaked.
She stared at me pleadingly.
Again, I made conscious effort to keep my gaze away from hers. I couldn't bear to look at her. After everything we had been through, everything she had put me through. It was completely unjust.
"I don't want to be without you," she rasped, bringing her hand up to her face to wipe her tears before she thought better of it.
"You've already hurt me once, don't do this to me again."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please come back to America with me. Please, Dan. I still love you!"

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about her offer for a brief moment. After all, we had been together a long time. I knew her well, she was like a bestfriend. But this, this was unforgivable.
"I can't. I just can't. I can never forgive you for this. I love you, but I'm not in love with you... anymore."
She placed her palm over her mouth, still clutching the bracelet as she cried.
"Oh, Dan..."
"I'm going to have to go back to America tomorrow anyway to begin the cancellations, you know that. I won't see you there. I'll make my own way. I'll carry on my own life there without you, and you'll do the same without me." I said.
Closing the door, I watched her stagger backwards and out of sight.

***
a/n
ouch I felt that myself