unchained

twenty

Phil
3:18pm

Placing a single rose on the grave, I leaned back to review the place where she lay. I couldn't believe it had been 11 years.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure approaching me, but I kept my eyes fixed on the grave, assuming it would be someone coming to grieve. The figure continued to walk towards me.
I continued to ignore them, until they were a foot away from me.
"Can I help you?" I said curtly, looking up, expecting them to respond with a question. Instead, Dan stood towering over me, his hands firmly in his pockets.

"What are you doing here?"
"Your dad said I might find you here."

I scrambled to my feet, lurching myself towards him and hitting his arms and chest with my hands. "I - can't - fucking believe you!" I yelled through my aggressive outbursts, much to his surprise as he staggered away, attempting to grab my arms. "You leave for America with no text, no call, no nothing to let me know you're okay! I was so - fucking - worried Daniel Howell!"

"Phil!" He yelled back, blocking my violent blows, "Phil! What are you talking about? I never left."

I stumbled backwards. "What? Amelia told me you'd had enough. She said you went back to America."
"What?" He yelled aghast, "She was lying, then. I've been here the whole time. I couldn't face it back there. I didn't fancy telling my family and friends what had happened. I am going, though, tomorrow. I just came to say goodbye, actually. I couldn't face leaving with the way we left things. I really missed you..."

"A fucking text, Dan. A call, even a fucking note if you didn't want to see my face, that's all it would have took just to let me know. I would've texted you myself, but you blocked my number." I snapped.
"I know," he said sheepishly, his eyes fixated on the ground and his hands still wedged firmly inside his jean pockets defensively. "I'm sorry, I was just - I've had a lot going on with Amelia..."
"Did she tell you, then?" I began.
"Uhh yeah, how do you know?" He muttered.
I paused, a little forlorn. I couldn't believe she hadn't mentioned me at all.

"I was the one who caught her..." I said with a tinge of confusion, "I came down to the hotel to try and work things out with you, but you weren't there, and he was...with your fiancé. She told me not to tell you because she wanted to tell you herself."
Dan was now scrunching his brow confusedly. "Sh-she did tell me, she never mentioned you..."
"She wouldn't. I tried to contact you, but she told me you'd already gone."
Dan scoffed weakly. "I -I'm sorry. I didn't know you came back to talk to me."
"Honestly, Dan, I don't think she would have told you had I not showed up in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Suddenly, Dan's entire demeanour changed. His shoulders were hunched and his eyes were fixed upon the ground once again. His words were raspy, as though he was fighting over a lump in his throat.
"Well, she came back yesterday to ask me to take her back. I didn't. I just thought you should know that." He shrugged. "And if you'll have me for one last day before I leave, that would be great."

I let him simmer and wait for my answer for a moment, infuriated that he had allowed me think he'd disappeared with not a single text or phone call.

"You really hurt me, Dan."
He shifted uneasily, looking down at his feet. "I know. I'm sorry. I thought about what you said... a lot, actually. About being unhappy. I wanted to try and patch things up with you before I left. I would never want to hurt you, Phil."
"It was selfish of you to blame your shitty relationship on me." I blurted, feeling a burning sensation spread across my chest as though I had just been caught off guard by my own assertiveness.
He nodded remorsefully in agreement. "I know. I shouldn't have, I was just angry. I thought you hated me," he said. I couldn't help but melt a little.

I could see the bags underneath his puppy dog eyes and the strain on his face. I knew the face of heartbreak all too well. Clearly, he was having a rough time getting over Amelia, so I decided to lay off him a little.
"I don't hate you," I sighed, "I love you-"
I couldn't believe what I had just said. The words had just... slipped out. My eyes widened, and I clasped my shaking palm over my mouth.
"Uh, I-" I said, my words muffled by my hand, trying to cover up what I had just said.
Dan stood irresolute and in utter shock.
If I knew Dan like I used to, this would be a bombshell for him. He wouldn't be able to handle it yet, not with everything that had just happened with Amelia, so I decided to try and change the subject. But Dan was already giggling to himself.

"It really was a shitty relationship." He laughed.
I couldn't believe he was actually admitting that now. Maybe he had changed after all.
"Your relationship or hers?" I said sarcastically,  though wary as I didn't quite know how to react.
Luckily, he laughed, so I joined in.
"Too soon, Phil. Too soon." He said, feigning offence.
"So, what do you say? Will you come with me?"

I rolled my eyes at my inability to refuse him and I kicked myself internally once again. I could tell he was hurting, those brown eyes weren't fooling me. I just wanted to comfort him, even after everything he put me through. Why did I have to be in love with him?

"Yes, of course."

I couldn't believe Daniel Howell wasn't shying away from me this time. I just told him I loved him, albeit, it was an accident, but he wasn't running away. He still wanted to see me.