unchained

five

t/w - mild reference to feelings of anxiety

Phil
11:34pm

I held myself together as we continued to admire the city in our old favourite place. Nor did I cry as I took Dan back to his hotel and I sure as hell kept myself together on the way home, too. I was greeted by the familiar smell of cigarettes and dampened walls as I began to tread down the seedy hallway (which resembled more of a back entry or alleyway than a hall) authorising the entrance to my flat.
I fumbled with the key in the lock more clumsily than usual as I struggled to keep my composure. I dumped my bag on the sofa, and allowed my body to fall lifelessly right beside my bag, almost instantly bursting into tears.

Why did he have to bring all that up? And why did he say he had spent all those years thinking about me? Why was he telling me this now?
I sat, emotionally and physically draining myself with my stupid pools of school boy tears. I hadn't cried like this since I was 14.

I started to replay the conversation between us over and over, until my head began to ache and it became a vicious, futile circle of hurt and denial. There were so many unanswered questions whirring like cogs in my mind. I was flustered and incredibly confused. For seven years I had pushed my feelings to one side and now, all of a sudden, they were spilling out, just as I remembered them the days before he left. That well-known surge of melancholy and anger I had once grown accustomed to greeted me like an old friend, and that's when the realisation swept over me. That's when I had to kick myself internally for being so, so stupid.

I was still completely and embarrassingly in love with Daniel Howell.

In fact, now that I thought about it, I don't think I ever fell out of love with Daniel Howell.

I clasped my hand over my mouth and exhaled heavily, my breath echoing in my palm as I cried. I had spent the last seven years of my life convincing myself it was just a phase, that I'd get over him eventually, but seeing him today only affirmed the doubts on the cusp at the back of my mind that I still loved him.
And now he was back, it was like some twisted trick of fate.

I couldn't believe it had taken seven years for me to realise and admit it. Memories of the day he left penetrated my mind. Too drained to block them out and too tired to tell them to stop, I was forced to remember the day I told him I loved him.

I remembered how he stood in front of me in the park, the day before he was to leave for America. There was a sense of foreboding as we both knew this would be our last day together for a long time. I had plans to visit him, and he me. Terrified of what he might think of me if I told him the truth about how I felt, and scared that my mind was placing tricks on me, thinking maybe it wasn't love it was just intense fondness, I had rehearsed everything I was going to say to him at least fifty times. I had known I was potentially in love with him for a while at this point, but I had kept it a secret for so long for fear of him rejecting me. I wanted those precious few months with him before he had to leave to be memorable and I didn't want them to be ruined by my indecisiveness. I had never been in love before, at least not this deep. It was alien to me back then.
Now, my feelings for Dan had become feelings I knew all too well. This time, I was certain. I knew how I felt now, and I couldn't believe how blatantly obvious it had been all this time.

I was stuck in a rut. He was getting married soon, and he'd even invited me as a last minute guest to the wedding in the car on the way home. I wondered just how much Dan had told his fiancé about us.
What would Amelia say when she found out the boy who told her fiancé that he loved him when they were in high school was coming to their wedding?

The thought of him with someone else sickened me to the core. There was no getting over him now.

*****

8:34am

Sleep-ridden and groggy, I rustled under the bedsheets as I tossed onto my side. The light pierced my eyes as I blinked blearily and it was at that exact moment I regretted forgetting to close the curtains only hours ago. I rubbed my eyes. They were still heavy and laced with sleep, stinging from the night before.
My hair was swept back into its usual quiff and had been tousled by the pillows. Sighing, I rolled lazily towards my night stand to grasp my phone for the time.
8:35am.
I stiffened and my heart leaped at the sight of a text message from Dan.

Dan: Call me when you see this.

My mind immediately thought the worst. I put my glasses on and frantically scrolled through my contacts until I reached Dan's name.
He picked up straight away.
"Phil." His voice was soft and weak.
"Are you alright?" I said, panic-stricken.
"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, "are you busy today? I could use some company..." his low and fragile voice trailed off down the phone. I sat up, far too quickly, and began to rub the temples on my head to ease the dizziness.
"I'm free. Shall I pick you up at your hotel?"
"That'd be great."

The phone rang out, leaving me with the feeling that something was amiss. Nevertheless, I made arrangements to meet him at 12:00 and we would head down to the cafe once more. There was still the undeniable pit of dread crouching at the bottom of my stomach. Whatever Dan wanted to talk about, it must've been important.