unchained

four

Dan
9:41pm

We grabbed our food and hurried back to Phil's car, giggling like school children in the playground. I still couldn't believe I was doing this. I still couldn't believe how good Phil looked seven years later in his denim jacket and black ripped jeans.
This was crazy, mad, insane even. I hadn't seen or heard from Phil in over seven years, and here I was, traipsing around the city with him in his cheap open-top car.
This was so different to what I was used to. Amelia and I never did anything as spontaneous as this. Most days we were too busy with work, with her being a lawyer and me being a salesman.

I forgot how much I had missed Phil, too. I forgot how much our friendship meant to me. Over the course of the evening, fragments of our past wove their way into my thoughts, but as we got back to the car, suddenly it was all flooding back. It seemed as though it was only yesterday Phil was convincing me to sneak out of my house at 11:00pm the night before our final day at high school. Phil had always been frivolous. He wasn't even a daredevil, he was just so free-spirited and I admired him so much for that. I always wished I could be more like him in that respect.

I looked over at him stepping into his rusted open-top car, balancing the milkshakes in one hand and his keys in the other, and I saw it all - the good times, the bad, the summer where we parted ways.
I thought about it as we drove, too.

"Where are you taking me?" I challenged as he drove us up the motorway again.
"You'll see," was all he said over his smirk.
I reached into the brown paper bag for my fries, and that's when Phil smacked my hand.
"No eating until we reach the place!" He snapped.
"Phil, I'm starving!" I complained.
"You'll just have to wait!"
I groaned. "Fine."
"Shut your eyes," he finally said.
"You're kidding."
"Shut your eyes!" He persisted. I sighed and rolled my eyes before shutting them.
I kept my eyes shut tight as I bounced over what seemed to be rocks underneath the car.
"Where the hell are we?"
"Almost here," he said.
Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew he'd be smiling mischievously from ear to ear. Sure enough, a minute later when he signalled for me to re-open my eyes, he had parked on the edge of a hill overlooking the city, and he was grinning smugly. It was adorable.

He un-did his seat belt, taking the food with him, and before I knew it he was sat on the front bonnet of his car, his legs stretched out in front of him with the food on his lap.
"Phil Lester..." I murmured, utterly awe-truck as I climbed onto the bonnet next to him.
The view was incredible. Nightlife swarmed beneath our feet. Thousands of buildings and skyscrapers lit from the inside pieced together like a toy paper town beckoning us closer.
"You sure know how to pick a view."
He hummed to himself triumphantly. I was completely content as we sat side by side, looking out over the city.

"Why the sudden need for change?" Phil began. At first, I had no idea what he meant. "You know, Amelia's a lawyer in America, and you're a salesman and now she wants a job in England... in a cafe?"
"Well, she's never been to England, and she really wanted to go, so we thought we'd give ourselves the opportunity to start a fresh. If she likes it, maybe we'll stay here." I explained.
"And is this what you want, too?" He asked with an air of concern.
"Yes of course!" I said, "Anything she wants, I want, too."
Phil had gone quiet, and I could sense the disapproval in him. "I don't think it works like that, Dan." He mumbled.
I gulped with the intention of sparing my dry throat. "It's all good..."
"Okay, yeah whatever," Phil smiled adoringly, "I trust you know what you're doing with your own life."

I laughed it off, but I couldn't stop thinking about that day in the summer after high school. It had been eating away at me ever since I saw him in the cafe. I thought I could put it behind me, as I had done for all those years, but now it was on the brink of resurfacing - the whole thing. How we left things, what happened after that, and what Phil really meant the last time we ever spoke.
I let the silence be our safe haven for a moment, then I decided to rip off the plaster.

"What happened to us, Phil?"
There was a pause.
"What- what do you mean?" He stammered. I instantly felt my heart plummet and a million fires sparked inside my chest.
"Did you really mean what you said to me all those years ago?"
"You left for college, Dan. There was no way I was ever going to see you again." He said quietly.
"You know you could've visited me any time."
"You know I didn't have any money to do that."
He averted his eyes from my line of sight.
"You said you loved me, Phil. You said you were in love with me. What was I supposed to do with that right before I left?"
"I don't know, Dan. I didn't mean it, okay? Can we just drop it?" He shrugged.
I was incensed. What infuriated me more was the fact that I didn't know why it meant so god-damn much to me.
"What do you mean, 'you didn't mean it'?" I mumbled, fighting hard over the lump in my throat, "All these years you had me feeling guilty for leaving you behind, thinking you loved me..."
"Oh, come on, Dan. You forgot about me in the first week. I wasn't going to drive half way across the world for the summer for a boy who didn't love me back." He snapped, this time his voice was raised and his face was contorted with pain and anger, a look I had never seen on him before. His words slashed across my chest and guilt coursed through my body.
"It hurt, Dan," he continued. His voice was lower and calmer, but it was laced with grief as though he was on the verge of tears. "It really hurt that you had to leave, and I was too hurt to ever see you again... I wanted to visit you, I really did, but as soon as I finally plucked up enough courage and money to pack my bags and leave, I told myself you'd probably already be with your new girlfriend having fun in your new city with your brand new life. I thought for sure you wouldn't be waiting around for me!
I'm sorry. We were young, we still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. It just wasn't meant to be our time."

I turned my head so Phil wouldn't see the tear roll disobediently down my cheek. He was always stronger than me, anyway. I didn't want to look stupid.
"I'm sorry, too," I managed to rasp. "Clearly we aren't meant to be together for too long at a time." I laughed morosely and the raven-haired boy laughed in sympathy for our situation and over the past.

"When do you go back?" He asked.
"Like I said, if Amelia decides to take the job at the cafe, we stay." I replied. "She's still working in America and staying at our home there. She should be getting here soon, though."
"How soon is soon?"
I chuckled, despite my eyelids still feeling heavy from tears. "So you do care?" I feigned hurt.
"Shut up." He laughed, and we looked out onto the city in silence, our happy place.

***
a/n
wow thankyou so much for over 100 reads already! it really means a lot to me.
I have a few more chapters ready to go but you may have to hold out a for a while as I'm going to be tidying them up / editing them <3