unchained

twenty-three

Phil
8:45pm

The clear sky faded away only to be replaced by a sheet of navy blue covered in a sprinkle of stars like sugar spilled over a dark counter. Dan and I lay on the grass, gazing up at the stars. It was as though the world had finally fallen at my feet. All of my cares and worries, everything I had ever fretted about, spilled out of me and into the soil, buried and rooted into the ground.

The night was my favourite time of all. On second thoughts, twilight was my absolute favourite. The free feeling that oozes from the darkening sky, where the universe isn't quite finished with the day yet; but the freedom of the night is beckoning you outside. It's almost as though the world is in my palms. Whilst everyone else settles in their homes to wind down their evening, the night is a whole other world.

Dan's fingers grazed over mine softly, the only warmth in the chill of the night. I couldn't stop thinking about our kiss.

Initially, I was reluctant to hold his hand. I knew he was leaving tomorrow and he would never return, once again leaving me broken-hearted. I knew once I held his hand, that I would have fallen for him completely and there would be no going back. I would want all of him right then and there, not just a kiss, not just a hand hold. But as the thought of holding him or even just being close to him crossed my mind, the more eager I was. I had always been impulsive and 'spur of the moment', so tonight would be no different. I made the mistake of not telling him exactly how I felt about him until the last minute seven years ago.

Even if we only had tonight, I would make it the best night of our lives.

I rolled over onto my side, gazing at him whilst he gazed at the stars. "What time do you leave tomorrow?" I mumbled, my voice hoarse.
He turned over to look at me.
"One thirty."

God, just when I thought he couldn't get any more beautiful. The moonlight was lightly glazing his skin with a radiant glow. His brown eyes were twinkling and brown curls were wispier than ever. I hesitated, unable to speak as I became lost in his appearance.
I had already told him I loved him. The first time, I only thought I did. The second time I was adamant, but I hadn't told him just how much.
Suddenly, a surge of fear washed over me as I gazed into his eyes. I was scared, scared he didn't love me back. His eyes weren't for me to get lost in, he still wasn't mine and he had never been mine. I guess I had forgotten that when I was too busy being in love with him. He had never actually told me how he felt before. He hadn't really shown it, either. I was terrified that he still loved Amelia and he was only kissing me to take the pain away. Doubts began to swirl in my mind, until eventually, I lightly took his hand in mine, searching desperately for some reassurance.

"Phil, are you alright?" he said with an air of concern. I hadn't even realised that my trancelike state was visible. I thought it had only been in my head.
I sighed anxiously, my breath hitching.
Before I could answer, Dan had leaned in closer to me and proceeded to plant a soft kiss on my cheek, before moving down to my jaw.

"What is this, Dan?" I interrupted nervously.
He pulled away, slightly confused. It was as though a knife had pierced through my heart as I saw the flicker of hurt etched across his face.
"W-what do you mean?" He stuttered.
"What is this? Why are you doing this? Do you even love me?" I spoke over the choke in my throat.
"Phil, I don't understand-"
"You're leaving me tomorrow, for good. So why are you fucking with my feelings? You know I love you. You're just going to kiss me and you think that makes it better? You know I have no money to come with you... you don't even want me there, do you? So what is this?" I had tried so desperately not to cry, but I couldn't force myself to stop when the first tear rolled down my cheek.
"What am I, a one night stand?"

He sat up, so I did the same. He was speechless.
"Of course not! I want to be with you, Phil. It's our last night together..."
He tried to take my hand again, but I moved it away. I was incredibly hurt at this statement. 'Our last night together?'

"But why does it have to be our last night together? For once, will you please sacrifice something for me?"
"I sacrificed my relationship for you!"
I physically felt my jaw dropping as I sat, open-mouthed and in shock, hurt coursing through my veins.
"She cheated on you! I had nothing to do with that!"

He didn't reply. He merely stared at me, speechless and hurting.

"Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? I love you, Dan. This isn't fair. Do you understand the gravity of that? I'm in love with you, and it fucking hurts. Life passes you by and before you know it, it's another seven years from now. I don't want you to waste your time on your own, but I'm not letting you hurt me again." I yelled, staggering to my feet, anger and pain pouring into my voice.
"Phil, wait-"
I pulled the cuffs of my denim jacket over my hands and wiped the tears away as I stumbled across the field. I could hear Dan's voice calling me back in the distance, but I carried on walking, continuing to sweep away the never-ending tears. This was the last time I was going to cry over Daniel Howell.

***
a/n
I've probably made a few mistakes I haven't had chance to read over this properly ah