unchained

seventeen

"and I wonder if I'll ever let go
...
but the truth is
I could spend my whole life
getting over you"

Phil
10:20am

I had tried to write, but nothing worth-while or of any interest sparked to mind. I had lost all inspiration. I didn't want to say I was missing Dan, because that would mean I wasn't over him, and I had to get over him sooner or later. Telling myself I missed him incredibly would only make my journey to detach myself from him harder than it already was. I had done this once before, surely I could do it again, even if it did take seven years to get over him.

I knew I loved him, I was never going to stop loving him. I had finally come out of the denial phase and reached the acceptance stage.

I had been laying low for two days since I was told that Dan had gone back to America, and even though I had always been somewhat independent, I felt more alone than ever.
I was tough. I would get through this, only with time as my healer. I didn't particularly want to get over Dan. For the last two days I had been secretly latching onto the idea that he would turn around and come back for me, but then I realised how stupid I sounded and the flicker of hope washed away, continuing the endless cycle.

I laughed at the thought of him coming back for me and me alone. Even in high school, Dan would always shy away from change. He hated it, to the point where anything that made him question his choices made him uncomfortable. I still loved him, though. What could I do? I couldn't just un-love him.

Like I said, I would get through this. I had already been through this once with Dan.
In the first few weeks of getting over that person you love, the mornings are hell. You wake and it's all you think about. Wanting them back, needing them back, missing them with all your heart. Sometimes it's hard to function. The simplest things such as having a shower, or the luxury of watching tv becomes tedious. Then, after a few months, you start to realise that they're gone. There's a chance they might come back, but you don't ruminate on it as much as you did before. You don't dwell on the feeling of yearning like you used to. It's there, in your chest, routed deep in your heart. But you feel it less.
A year or two passes by, they enter your thoughts every now and then, or you see something that reminds you of them, even just something as little as a passer-by wearing their coat. You briefly remember what it feels like to be with them. It hurts a little, but you're okay. You're functioning, at least.
And when you wake up, each morning it hurts just a little less. Every evening when your head hits the pillow - that's the hardest part, because you're alone with your thoughts, and you can't help but let them fall in to them.

Right now, I hadn't even reached the first full phase. I was craving his presence, but I was so angry at him for leaving without telling me.

I rested on my sofa, bathing in the silence of my apartment. I had dumped my mail on the coffee table without reading what they were about in a flurry of sleep-deprivation and rush to get to my bedroom. I noticed the top letter was addressed to me as important, private and confidential: the kind of letter you receive when you're in some sort of trouble, perhaps.
I grappled with the sealed paper until I pulled out the folded letter inside.
"Oh, no, no, no! I can't afford this!" I cried, placing my head in my hands and tugging at my hair roots.

It was a speeding ticket from the day I was rushing to Dan's hotel. A fine of £50 may not sound like a lot, but I was deep in debt and struggling to keep my head above water. Suddenly, all my problems regarding Dan were filtered away, and no sooner was I calling my dad to help me out, than the thought of Dan was beginning to disintegrate from my mind, for now.

***
the next few chapters may take a while to come out because I'm making sure they're perfect before I publish them (she says lmao)
I want them to be good so😂