unchained

thirteen

strong language

Dan
10:20am

"If you truly loved her, it shouldn't be a choice."

Phil ended our call, and the words penetrated and invaded my head like a siren. I burst into tears, my sobs echoing through the lounge.
I needed a breather, so I told Amelia I was going to get some fresh air, and I stepped outside the hotel making my way to the park opposite.

I wandered around for a while. It was nice just to be at one with my thoughts. I needed time and the simplicity just to get out of my own head. Phil was always so good at talking me down, making me feel alive again, and I was starting to massively regret my actions in the last 12 hours. I kept telling myself 'it's for the best'.

That's when I stumbled across Phil's quote on the brink of my mind where it had been since yesterday. His words had been so potent that they stuck with me.

"Life's too short to waste time being unhappy, Dan."

I had thought about it deeply and I really was unhappy. Maybe I just wasn't ready to get married yet. Having mulled it over for an hour, I decided to return to my hotel room and brave the conversation with Amelia. In all honesty, we had both been all over the place lately. She had been busy with work, and this whole seeing Phil thing had shoved us both two steps back. I had been all over the place with my emotions since I saw Phil for the first time in seven years, his appearance digging up old, painful memories, and some so good, they were hard to brush away. Those summer memories of the two of us were so lucid, they were almost still fresh in my mind.

I plodded up towards my hotel room. Once inside, I saw Amelia was sat on the edge of the bed, her head between her hands. She cranes her neck and her eyes darted up at me. They were blotchy and red, and tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"Oh my God what's wrong?" I ran towards her, but she winced, and moved backwards, staring at me painfully as though I would burn her if she touched me.
Her lips were chapped and trembling, and her fingers were tracing them nervously.
I froze.
"What did Phil say? I swear to God..."
"It wasn't Phil."
"I don't understand-"
"I've done a bad thing, Dan." She stuttered.
"It's okay, just tell me-" I began confusedly.
"No. No it's not okay," she choked over her cries. "Will you ever forgive me?"
The tears were pouring down her cheeks like rain, and she paced up and down the room.
"What did you do?" I said in a low voice, with a hint of fear.
She did everything in her power to avoid meeting my eyes and she continued to pace up and down.
"What did you do?" I repeated.
She wiped a few of the tears away, her attempt futile.
"I, I.... I had an affair."

"Are you joking?" I said, half laughing.
This had to be some sort of sick joke.
I sat down on the edge of the bed to brace myself.
"It didn't mean anything, I swear!"
"Oh my God..."
So she wasn't lying. It wasn't a sick joke, it was the sick truth.
"How long?"
She refused to give me an answer, so I pressed harder. "How long?" I grumbled through my clenched jaw.
Her cries broke out into loud sobs and she had stopped pacing the room to turn her back on me as she wept into her hands.

I stood up, my legs shaking. I was destraught, I was livid.
"HOW LONG?" I seethed, and I saw her physically cower as though she was afraid of me. It wasn't in me to be vengeful or lose my temper, but I was maddened. I don't ever recall her seeing me like this before either, so I had probably taken her by surprise. I had taken myself by surprise.
"About two weeks, I met him at the office." She spoke in an undertone, as though anticipating that I was going to pick her up and throw her out of the room.

I laughed painfully. "Oh, I get it now.
This whole 'let's get a job in England for a fresh start' thing was just because you couldn't face him at work, wasn't it? It was never about me, or us, it was just you covering up your adulterant track, wasn't it?" I yelled, gesturing angrily as I did so and even mocking her at times. It was as though I was looking down on myself from above, and I didn't recognise the man or the woman I saw. But the man didn't care, he carried on.

Her eyes narrowed even further as another tear streamed down her cheek, and she bit the edge of her lip.
"How could you do this to me?" I whispered. Each word I spoke was riddled with agony.
"I'm so sorry..."
I had no doubt she was genuine in her apology, but in that moment, I decided I never wanted to see her again.
"I don't want to marry you, anymore," I said, "and frankly, I don't want to see you ever again either. You know, I gave up everything for you! I gave up my job, I sacrificed my friendship with Phil.... What did I ever do to you?"
"You loved me, Dan, but you were never in love with me." The girl reasoned, "I know you're not over Phil."
"HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN THAT TWO WEEKS AGO? I only got here two days ago!"
"I didn't, I, I only realised it now, but we were distant even back home, Dan."
"You were distant. Always working late, well, now I know why."

There was an uncomfortable pause, filled with an underlying layer of hurt.
"You know what, just leave,"
"What?" She mumbled.
"Just get out. GET OUT. FUCKING LEAVE!" I bellowed, tears pricking at the corner of my eyes. She almost squealed with fear as she sheepishly grabbed her things faster than I had ever seen anyone move, and she left, rendering me completely and utterly heart-broken, abandoned and forlorn, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

I sat back down onto the bed, sinking into the mattress, allowing the feeling of numbness to spread all over. I was empty, and I wept for the end of our marriage and my destroyed emotions.
There was no one else I wanted more in the world to hold right now, other than the person I had already cast out of my life with a stupid text.

I guess pushing people away was becoming a talent of mine.

***
a/n
thankyou so much for 500 reads already! you guys are amazing <3