Rilaya One - Shots [ 18+]

lost in darkness

* TRIGGER WARNING: self harm and depression mentioned *

maya

i stared at my reflection in the mirror. the girl staring right back at me, didn't seem like me. her blue eyes were dull and hopeless, and her face was pale and looked older. there was deep bags under her eyes that told a truth, she was no longer that young girl that i once knew. the little girl full of hope and joy, that even a simple little animal would bring her the most happiness and give her the brightest smile. that girl was gone now, and maybe for good. she will no longer be a piece of me that i wished to keep forever. all that was left of her was this cold, pale and heart- broken girl with scars and eye bags.

i sighed before pushing the sleeves of my sweatshirt down and put my hair in a lazy ponytail before grabbing my bag and walking to the kitchen, where my mom was passed out at the table, a half full bottle of vodka in her hand. i sighed and went to pry it from her grip before making her some tea and chicken soup. You might be wondering why I'm doing this, well it's simple, really. when i was a little girl of five years old, my father left my mom and i for another woman, he only ever came back once and that was to tell us that he was having another baby with his girlfriend, so since then, my mother has had to work extra shifts and she drowns her sorrows in any form of alcohol she can find.

i sighed as she snored away and walked out of the apartment complex, a shaggy old building that was all we could afford. when the cold air of manhattan hit my face, i shivered and regretted not having brought a jacket. rolling my eyes, i quickly made my way to the subway station, trying to ignore the chills running down my spine. after some walking, i finally made it to my destination and gave the driver my ticket. he smiled at me and i went to take a seat. i decided to spend the time listening to music, the only thing that gives me some happiness. I guess you could say i'm a loner. Ever since i started high school, i haven't had any friends and people bully me for whatever reason. i'm guessing you're wondering why i never do anything about it, but the truth is, i have tried and it makes it worse so i just don't bother getting help anymore. people don't realize that asking for help isn't as easy as the movies and tv shows make it out to be.

as the subway came to a stop, i got up quickly and raced out of the underground train and to the giant school building named Abigail Adams high school , as it said in giant letters. i sighed a little before walking slowly up the stairs, people were already staring at me, but i didn't care anymore, i know they're all thinking the same thing; what a slut. It's kind of funny because, i've never even been with a guy in my whole life. somebody just stated that rumor and even though i tried to explain that it was false, no one believed me. so, i sucked it up and faced everyone and their comments. ever since then, i've started cutting myself because i just didn't feel enough, and people made fun of my weight and tell me that I should just kill my self. I mean, they're not wrong, I am worthless, but that doesn't mean I want to die. It's ridiculous I know, but, I like my life. Even if my parents hate me, and if I don't have any friends. Nonetheless, it doesn't stop me from cutting and starving myself. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel enough. I want to be enough. I've said this so many times, that each time I do, it makes me get lost in the darkness even more. But I don't mind.

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if you or someone you know needs help and is battling depression, PLEASE call a hotline! Depression is NOT a joke, and you should get help immediately. I'm also always here if you need to talk. i love you and beautiful souls y'all are worth so much more than you realize!

<3- m