bts angst imagines/scenarios (CLOSED)

namjoon x reader: self harm

request by @KennaBear700

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I woke up on a cold sweat. another nightmare... I looked to my left. my boyfriend, namjoon was still sleeping beside me. we moved in together about a month ago, and I'm so glad he's a heavy sleeper.

I picked up my phone and checked the time. It was just past 3 am. all my life I've had horrible nightmares that always keep my up at night, and this one... was really bad.

gently, I crept out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I closed and locked the door, then turned the light on. I didn't want to risk waking namjoon up with the light, even though he probably wouldnt.

I looked back at my phone, and sighed. I opend up the casw, a slight sound of metal jingling ringed through the bathroom. I took out the small, shiney peice of metal. It was a beautiful razor blade taken from a disposable razor. I had 2 other ones hidden in my case too.

I held the blade in my hand, and lifted up my sleeve. It was covers in cuts. some scabs, some still open and fresh. I had been doing this for almost a year now, it seemed like routine for me.

I placed the blade on my arm, and pushed down. I slashed across, and watched as the blood slowly started to bead up, then run down the side of my arm. I pushed the blade back down and made another cut. and another, and another...

I think I was at 20 when I heard it. 3 hard knocks on the door.

"y/n, why are up so early??" namjoon asked tiredly. when did he wake up? I wanted to say something but I was so scared, words wouldn't come out of my voice. "What are you doing in there?"

Slowly, I tried to start cleaning up, but my nervs were too much, my hand shook so hard, I dropped the blade onto the ground, making a loud metal clanking sound. my body froze.

"y/n? what was that?" namjoon asked slightly concerned. I didn't answer. he knocked on the door. "y/n? can you open the door please?" i managed to choke out a few words.

"namjoon... go back to sleep..." I said sadly. my voice sounded broken. all I could do was look and stare at the mess I made in front of me...

"I'm not going to bed now y/n. I'm already up, and you have me worried. please just open the door" he said. I looked at my arm. I felt so numb and empty... the blood was starting to dry up a bit, so it wouldn't get on my clothes. I sighed... there was no getting out of this... I might as well just face it...

Slowly, I stood up, and placed my hand on the cold metal doornob. I gently turned it, and pushed open the door...

"thanks for opening the door" namjoon said, he didn't seem to realise it yet, but then he looked down and I saw his eyes widen. he gulped, and gently held my hand, and brought my arm up to him. I looked away. "y/n..." he said softly. "what.. is this?"

I felt my ears start to water. namjoon sounded a bit hurt that i was keeping this from him, but I could tell he was trying to stay strong. I wasn't worth it... I wasn't worth being strong for...

namjoon looked back up at me, and I could hear him gulp. I sl9wly turned my head back to him, but I kept it down. I tried to hold back my years but, they just started falling.

"y/n... it's ok... please, listen..." he said. he dropped my arm and pulled me into a tight hug. I couldn't control myself, I started balling.

"I'm sorry namjoon" I choked out. "I'm so so sorry..."

"It's ok... you don't need to be sorry" he said. he gently rubbed my bavk, I could hear the pain in his voice which only made me cry more... "Why are you doing this to yourself? tell me... please y/n..."

"i...." I sniffled. "I hate myself... and everyone seems to hate me to... and the nightmares... I can't control it..." I sobbed out. my face burned with embarrasment, but at the same time it was so relieving to tell namjoon...

" I don't hate you" he said sweetly. "y/n, I love you... lots of people do. your an amazing, beautiful person, you don't deserve this... it's not the way...." he said gently. my sobbing slowly stoped untill it was just slight sniffles hear and there. I wiped my eyes and let go of the hug with namjoon.

"you don't understand..." I said slowly. "this... is the only thing I have... it's the only pain I can control..."

He grabbed my hand again, and gently touched the cuts on my arm, dried blood cracked on my skin. I looked terrible...

"there are so many ways to cope y/n... please, i don't want you to hurt yourself anymore... it's not healthy... please, talk to me. i promise, I'll always do everything I can to help" he said. I pulled my hand away in embarasment, and held my hands behind my back.

"i...." I couldn't form a sentence, I could only look down.

"It's ok" he said. he gently held his hand on my chin, lifting it up so I could see his face clearly. " You don't need to say anything right now..." he gently leaned in, and kissed me. my heart fluttered, even after what just happend...

It felt like he actually cared about me. like he actually cared for my feelings. he slowly pulled away, and dropped his hand. he looked to my side's that were covering my arms.

"is it... anywhere else?" He asked softly. I nodded. "where?"

I slowly and awkwardly pointed to my thigh, namjoon looked sad.

"can I see your arm again?" He asked. I was still a bit embarrased, but he already saw it, so what's the point of trying to hide now... I looked away, and held out my arm. I heard the faucet run then I felt something cold touch my arm. I turned my head over in shock at the touch.

namjoon held a wet towel to my arm, it stung a little, but nothing I wasn't used to. as gently as he could, he wiped away all of the dried blood. I sat down on the toilet seat as he rummaged through the cabinet to find medical suplies. he wrapped my arm in a bandage, and then stood up.

"How bad is your leg?" He asked.

"It's not bad, i havmt done it there in a couple days..." I said slowly. he put the rest of the medical supplies bavk, and closed the cabinet. he pulled me into one last hug.

" y/n... next time, please talk to me before you do this.. whatever the reason, I'm here to listen" he said. I nodded, and hugged him back tighter.

"thanks namjoon" I said, he smilled sadly.

"no... don't thank me" he  "after all, I still love you more than anything"