Running from My Past

Scattered in the Wind

I felt the pull of being summoned and let it take me out of the warm covers of my bed. It took too much effort to try and resist it. After three days in bed, not moving, the effort was something that I didn't have.

I blinked and then I was standing in the living room in my usual spot in front of the T.V. I caught my reflection in the dark surface and turned away. My hair was a mess, sticking up everywhere reminding me of Einstein and my suit was wrinkled. Not to mention that it looked too plain without the dashing red sash.

Virgil's spot was empty. There was no sign of the anxious emo. Even the dark aura that hung around the stairs had been lifted. I wanted, needed to look away but I couldn't. If I thought hard enough I could almost pretend that he was there with a scowl on his face but it never lasted for long before reality came crashing back.

"Roman, are you okay?" I jumped and turned to see Thomas in front of the couch. I nodded but didn't answer anything more. I realized that both Patton and Logan had silently popped up. Everything seemed so quiet and odd.

"Guys, what's wrong?" I can't summon Virgil," Thomas explained. We all met eyes but didn't dare say a word. "Did he duck out again?" Patton didn't even give his signature quack at that one. Thomas's head whipped around between us. "What's happened? Where is Virgil?" At his name, my throat constricted and I could barely breathe. They hadn't told him yet. I had hoped that they would and I could just avoid this whole conversation. 

"He's gone, Thomas," Logan said. Thomas scowled in confusion. I trained my eyes to the ground, wanting to disappear. 

"You mean that...... that Virgil is..." Thomas tried.

"No! He isn't dead. He can't be," I cried. Everyone looked up to me in shock. It was the most I had spoken in three days.

"Then we can get him back and fix things. He's okay, right?" Thomas asked. I didn't know how to answer. Was he okay? We didn't know ourselves. "Right, guys?" 

"Remember when Virgil completely ducked out? How Thomas was acting? But he's not like that now, so Virgil is still doing his job. Thomas still has anxiety although it may be lessened than what he is used to. That means that Virgil is alive," Logan reasoned. It helped me feel a little better but it did nothing to dull the pain of his absence. 

"Obviously I've missed some things. Could you guys fill me in a little?" I hadn't thought about how Thomas would react to all of this. I didn't want to be here for this discussion. If they didn't retell the story then I could pretend that it hadn't happened and Virgil was just being his usual, nonsocial self, couped up in his room. But I had no such luck and they dove into a recounting of three days ago. My legs felt numb as they got to our last moments together and I felt like I was going to pass out. I ran my hands through my wild hair and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out their words. 

Finally, they finished and there was a long pause as Thomas deciphered all the information. His look of confusion was gone, now replaced with a deep sorrow. I wondered how it felt to have one-fourth of the main part of you missing but I could relate. My whole world was gone and I wasn't sure if I could ever live without it. 

"There has to be a way to get him back right? If he did it once he can do it again. We just need to think and plan and..... and.....and put it into action! Create some great rescue," Thomas tried. "We can do this. Okay, this is really weird but I feel sure about this. Is this confidence?"

Logan shook his head along with Patton. "That's not a good idea, Kiddo. He was only able to leave when you were highly anxious during your teen years when you were trying to figure yourself out and not embarrass yourself completely. You're stable now. You've owned your identity, your sexuality, and you've been improving your self-esteem greatly."

"Then I just need to be really anxious again. I can get nervous about stuff and maybe make myself anxious. Then Virgil could cross the barrier. We can do it, I just need to..." 

"This couldn't possibly work. Even if you do rewire yourself to be more anxious again, which in itself is a terrible idea," Logan interceded. "We still can't get him to cross the barrier. He would have to be near it and they used their energy and powers to send him across last time."

"But Logan, we could use our strengths," I tried. " Together, we three are way more powerful than they could ever be. We could get Virgil back!" My excitement rose as I thought of the prospect.

"It will still make a negative impact on Thomas. Making himself overly anxious is what we have been avoiding and working on for the past two years!" Logan countered. Why couldn't he see that we had to do this? It was the only way.

"But we could get Virgil back, Logan. Isn't that what you want too? We can save him and bring him back to where he belongs. There is no way I am going to leave him to rot in that vile place!" Tears were now streaming down my face. All the anger and pain from the past three days had finally boiled over until I couldn't contain it anymore. All I wanted, all I needed was for Virgil to be here and safe.

"Roman." I turned to Patton as he softly spoke. "Virgil is important to all of us and of course we want him back but you have to think about what he would want. He hated causing Thomas's anxiety, even when it was more manageable. In doing this you would go against everything he ever tried to stand for. All he ever wanted to do was protect Thomas and you need to see that Virgil would never want this plan to go through." 

I let out a horrible sob and fell to my knees. Every little hope I had had was now gone, smashed into a million pieces but they were right. Virgil would never go for the plan. I couldn't imagine how disappointed in me he would be right now.

"Roman, it's okay. We will find some way to save him, no matter how long it takes but we won't go against his virtues." 

I understood that but I wasn't sure how long I could wait. How long before all the shattered pieced finally turned to dust and my heart was gone, scattered in the wind?