Running from My Past

The Red Sash

"Anxiety! Anxiety!" I ripped my wondering mind away from my thoughts as the harsh words cut through my daydream like a knife. "Are you listening, Anx?" I flinched at Depression's tone and ducked my head so I wouldn't look defiant. Little tricks like that one had all but disappeared when I had left but it had taken exactly a few hours for them to come haunting back.

"Yes," I muttered, sinking under the gaze of five pairs of eyes, Depression's most trusted advisors. One snickered at my blatant lie while the others threw disgusted glances my way. As far as they were concerned, I was scum in a thin veil of jewels that my brother was just too blind to see through.

It had taken a while, how long I wasn't really sure, to get back in his good graces after I had returned. I woke up in a cell on the cold stone floor. I had panicked for a few seconds before remembering what had happened. The others had made it. They had to have but then the darkness had taken over before I could really tell, choking me almost as much as the sadness in my heart.

They continued on with their meeting discussing, like always, how to make everyone suffer more to gain power. I used to be all in for these meetings and schemes but since being a Main Side myself, I couldn't imagine anything like this. Luckily, nothing ever actually gets done. There's always a fight or not enough resources. Not to mention Deceit and I working behind the scenes to prevent anything too damaging.

I glanced over at Deceit now as he nodded along and wrote down notes, playing his part. To the others, he was an enthused member but I could tell he was different. I wasn't the only one who had changed. 

Finally, the meeting was over leaving Dep, Deceit, me,  and a half dozen guards as the only ones in the room. I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and shakily stood. Deceit and Depression were in the middle of a conversation and I stood beside them. There but not really. Part of the group but invisible. I waited by the door for them to finish.

"Deceit, show Anxiety back to his room. We're done for now but after that come back so we can discuss smaller details," Depression commanded. I gratefully followed Deceit out the heavy wooden doors. We were silent until there was no chance anyone could hear us.

"Their plan this time seems halfway reasonable but there's no way it would actually go through. There are too many holes to mess with this one, especially with Jealousy and Pride already at each other's throats," He explained. I nodded to show that I was listening even if I had nothing to add to the matter. My thoughts were elsewhere today.

"How was.... how was the last time you...." I wasn't sure how to word it. 'Visited', 'infiltrated', or maybe 'Pretended to be a Light Side to get information for the Dark Sides but never actually telling the Dark Sides the truth'. Anyway I said it, I still needed an answer.

He let out a short sigh. "They seem okay, Anx. They're doing their jobs and they've even started making videos again for what's it called? Vine?" I shook my head.

"Youtube. They shut Vine down so we moved to Youtube and Thomas started the Sander Sides series," I corrected. They were good and that was good. They needed to continue their jobs to help Thomas. I wondered how they set the videos up now that I was gone. Did Logan move back to my spot or did they cut it out completely? How did the fans take my absence? I'm sure some of them didn't care. Actually, most of them probably didn't. I don't see how I could be an important character. All I did was sulk and bring the group down.

"Although they are a little different now. I think Logic and Morality are an item." I couldn't help but smile. It was about time those two finally acted on it. There were only so many lovesick glances everyone could take before they figured it out. I had no reason to talk though. I had liked Roman forever but had only just confessed it right before I'd lost him for good. My smile faultered.

"And Roman? How's he doing?" I asked cautiously. Deceit's gaze dropped to the floor as we walked.

"Creativity still does everything that is required of him but something is a bit off. He doesn't sing as much and well he doesn't seem to..........sparkle like he used to, I guess." We stopped at my door where we stood in awkward silence. "Anxiety, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, Deceit. We couldn't have known that this is how it would end."

"That doesn't make it right. After really seeing Thomas, he's more than just the person we make up, he's important and he helps people. How could I have ever plotted to destroy something so wonderful." I took his hand in mine, trying to be comforting and not creepy.

"But you're changing that and that's the best you can do. We both fell for it, Deceit. We were blinded by ambition and love to the point of stupidity but now even though we both still love him we can see how wrong he is. That doesn't mean we have to hate him, instead the best we can do is try to help him see the correct way." As I said it, I realized how true it really was.

Depression and I were closer than most since we had shown up together, our version of brothers. I didn't go anywhere without him and I loved him. I still did even though he had put me through hell and back.

"I should be going." Deceit tore his hand from mine and turned back the way he had come.

"And D," I started, catching his attention enough for him to stop. "You should tell him how you feel because you'll never know when you won't ever have the chance again."

I watched him disappear down the hallway before going into my room.

Finally, completely alone. Not in a bad way but as my break. There was only so much interacting I could take before I crashed.

I plopped down on my bed and let my bangs flop out of my eyes. I probably looked ridiculous but no one was here to see me. I slowly unzipped my jacket, needing some reassurance. 

My hands grasped the silky red material, instantly calming me. The sash reminded me of him so much but most importantly it reminded me that it was real. I had gone to the Light Sides, I had become their friends, and I had kissed Roman.

Tears spilled over my cheeks. It stabbed me like a double-edged sword. It had been real. I had come back, I had gotten stuck back in the Dark Side and I was trapped here. I wouldn't ever be able to see them again.

I dug my nails into the skin of my palm and threw my other hand over my mouth, muffling the sobs. Why did it have to turn out like this? I was so close to being valued and loved. But I guess you always have to wake up from a dream sometime.