Running from My Past

The Color of Paint

Snowfall White. That was the color of my ceiling. At least that's what I would have named it if I made paint colors. Just like the snow reflecting the sun when you stepped outside, it attacked my eyes every morning. Or maybe it could be called Emo Face because it reminded me of him but everything does.

It's days like this when I wish Tennyson were still alive so I could slap those words right back into his mouth. "Tis better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all." What bullshit. Dealing with missing him every day has to be worse. I see him in everything, the empty stairs, the music Thomas listens to, any social situation that used to be stressful, every Disney movie with a dark side. Even the damn color of my ceiling. 

I started debating whether I should even get up when someone started pounding on the door. I ignored them, hoping that they would go away but I had no such luck. It got louder and more rapid. With a grunt, I threw the blankets off and swung my legs over the side of my bed.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I mumbled as I made my way over. Whoever it was they still weren't stopping. I yawned and pulled the door open.

Logan paused with his hand raised up, ready to knock again for the millionth time. His eyes went wide as he saw me. "Roman are you okay? You look..." I yawned again and ran my hand through my hair as he searched for the right words.

"Yeah. I'm fine. What it is?" I wish he would just tell me and leave me alone. I really just wanted to go back to bed and maybe get some sleep. He seemed to be taking forever to get to the point.

"Patton has lunch ready for us. He thought it would be a good idea to go outside so he packed a picnic. It is a particularly pleasant day although there is a chance of sunburn that should be addressed. It's..."

"I'm good. I'm not hungry." I tried to shut the door but he pushed it back open. I frowned at his tiring antics. 

"Roman you haven't eaten all day and I don't remember you eating yesterday either. It is unhealthy to make your body run on so little fuel." I rolled my eyes at the tie-wearing nerd. 

"I'm fine, Logan. I have eaten. I had a.......bagel earlier. It was a really late breakfast so I'm still pretty full," I tried. He looked unconvinced so I gave my best effort at a smile to show him that I really was fine. I think it turned out as more of a slight twitch of my cheek than an actual smile.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us? Patton and I would enjoy your company. It's been missing for a little while." Does he mean here lately or for the two years, one month, and seventeen days that Virgil has been missing too? My face hardened.

"Yes, I'm positive." I shoved the door closed and it caught momentum causing it to slam right in his face. It was a satisfying sound.

I started to make my way back to my bed but stopped in front of my full-length mirror. Yeesh, I could see why Logan had looked at me weird. I was still wearing my red flannel pants from a few days ago and my favorite white hoodie with a crudely drawn crown was dingy and stained. Usually, I would have screamed about how messy my hair was. It was as if Linda had started a revolution and all of my hairs had joined in on the protest by sticking up in every direction. My eyes were bloodshot with dark circles surrounding them. 

I sighed as I turned away and headed back to my bed and maybe some sleep. What did it matter what  I looked like? I had no one to impress and I doubted that I would ever see anyone else today. Outside of this room just held too many painful memories. I stared at the pale ceiling before my eyes grew heavy.

Virgil sat in the middle of the tiny room on the bed with his eyes closed. His chest rose up and down slightly as tears traveled down his face and onto the cold grey sheets.

"Virgil!" I called as I tried to lunge forward but my feet seemed to be stuck in this one spot in the corner.

With a sigh, his eyes opened and stared straight up. His fingers moved, tightening his grip on his shirt. Wait since when does Virgil wear anything red? I looked closer to see that it wasn't a shirt but a sash. My sash, he had kept it with him.

"Why'd it have to end up like this? Why couldn't they just leave me alone? Then I could have finally been happy for once. I could have had you, Roman," he whispered. You still do have me, I thought. My heart hurt as he said my name. I so badly wanted to reach him but I couldn't make my body move. "I'm so sorry Roman. I should have been upfront with all of you. Then none of this would have happened."

"No Virge. It's not your fault. You don't get blame yourself for this one, Emo Nightmare. I should have done more and tried harder. It's..." A knock on the door stopped me cold.

Like a streak, Virgil sat up, wiped his face, and zipped his hoodie all the way up to cover the sash. He slowly opened the door a crack to see who it was before widening it.

"Deceit. It's the middle of the night, what are you doing?" he asked. I could tell that something was wrong by the look on his scaly face. Everything started to go fuzzy as the scene faded away.

"Virgil!" I bolted up as I struggled to catch my breath. My thoughts raced. Had my brain just made that up? It had felt almost too real to be a fake. What had Deceit needed to tell Virgil?

With a scream of frustration, I threw my pillow to the ground in front of my bed. The alarm clock on my nightstand told me that it was a bit past eleven. Still enough time to get some more sleep. It was probably just my mind playing tricks on me, I decided as I prepared myself for another long, terrible night.