Listen Before You Speak

Elijah's Playlist (An entry from Elijah's diary)

Dear blank page in the book I am supposed to be writing in as therapy,

It has been exactly 18 days since Blake died and I tried to kill myself, which obviously didn't work, because fuck... I am still here and I am still alive and I am hating every single moment of this and I can't see what writing in a fucking journal is going to help me at this stage. If I cut the pages of this book enough times with a pen, will it actually make me not want to cut myself and bleed out on this sick looking green carpet in my room? I think not. 

I couldn't go to Blake's funeral because of what I did, so I didn't say goodbye. My therapist told me that I needed to say how angry I am about it. And then he told me to write how angry I am about it.

I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT! I AM ANGRY THAT I DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOODBYE!

There. Was that supposed to make me feel better, because I am actually feeling worse now that I see it and I can't help crying because I want Blake to be here right now so that he can hold me. At the same time I wish Blake just listened and stayed away because clearly I am trouble. I mean look at what has been going on. The therapist can say whatever he wants, but there is nothing on this earth that can convince me that I am not the reason that Blake is dead. Maybe it's better that I didn't go to the funeral. I don't know how I would have been able to handle everyone looking at me and knowing that I am the reason that Blake is in a coffin now. On the other hand, it would have been perfect justice to have had me there, putting me on show so that the people can know what I did and stay the fuck away from me before I cause any more death and pain. I should have just kept my mouth shut from the very beginning. Then nothing like this would have ever happened. 

So, I am supposed to write my feelings down. Not that I even know what I am feeling. The therapist said I could write anything I want to, so I think I want to share the songs that has been keeping me alive at this time while I am sitting in a fucking hospital, being treated like I can break. It's driving me crazy! If I wasn't crazy when I walked in here, I will be crazy before I leave this place!

So now, here are the songs I have been listening to. Mr. van Leer also brought over some tapes, and can you believe it... a walkman? How old is he? Wasn't these things part of the dinosaur age? In any case, I won't moan about it. At least his golden oldies and the music I have on my iPod has been keeping me busy since I am not allowed to have my phone with me. They are probably scared that I will Google something like; "100 great ways to kill myself in a mental institution" or something like that. 

So my songs are:

"This is Gospel" by Panic! At The Disco

I think this is the saddest song off all of them. It's Blake's ringtone. I mean... It was Blake's ringtone and I can't help but thinking about him when it's playing. I don't think I will ever be able to actually breathe while that song is playing. I have caught myself a few times, sucking in my breath and holding it till almost the end of the song. If he only let me go... Then I wouldn't be sitting here making this fucking list just so it looks like I at least wrote something in this stupid journal that's supposed to make me feel better!

"Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

This one is probably obvious since I own like three shirts themed around it, it's my ringtone (not that i know why I have one since I don't answer phone calls), and it's my favorite song off all time. Another one that makes me really go crazy sad lately. I can't help but hearing it being sung in Blake's voice. When Gerard is crying out to "Carry On" I can't help but think that it's Blake trying to tell me that his memory will carry on as long as I remember and love him. It feels like a prison almost. Like I will never be able to let go of him. Not that I think I will ever want to. 

"Bird on a Wire" by Leonard Cohen

It's a stupid, old song that was on one of Sam's albums. He kinda forced me to listen to it and I thought it was shit until about two days ago when it creeped up on me again. He has the song like on every second mix tape he ever made in his life!!! I mean, it makes Sam sound really stalker like when I think how this song is everywhere. Maybe it's like to identify that it's his tape. Almost like Sam put his signature on it or something. In any case. The song is about suicide I think which is kinda awesome when you think about how old the song is. (The guy who sings it sounds really old! He probably came before the time of the walkman if you ask me.) It is probably the song that makes me feel the most at the moment. It's depressing and the guy is trying to say sorry for what he has done, but it isn't working and he isn't feeling better obviously, because he is dying on the inside so he is killing his body off at the same time. It's so much how I feel at the moment. 

"Iris" by Sleeping With Sirens

What can I say? I just love being depressed apparently... I can't even begin to explain what this song does to me. Every single word is words I could have been writing since it explains everything that I am feeling. Blake... I love you... I don't want the world to see me. I just want to be with you right now. I want to die because everything around me is broken, and what isn't broken is sore. The marks on my wrists they say will never go away and that's shitty on it's own as well. I can't understand why on earth it didn't work. I don't know why I didn't manage to kill myself. I was cutting in the direction that you should be cutting. I hate Mr. van Leer for putting me in this position. For saving my life. I didn't do this for attention. I did this because I didn't want to be here anymore. I did this to try and get away from everything and they just won't allow me to go. Can't they understand how much I just want some peace???

"My Heart will go on" by Celine Dion

Another one from the mixed tapes. Everyone knows this one, but it is only when you lose someone that you understand it in a different way and that you feel like you want to scratch your skin off while you are listening to it. I am not a fan (sorry Celine!) but this song has been meaning a lot to me. Not that I will ever watch the movie again. Come on... There was space for him on the door! But I do understand how she must have felt when he died. Knowing it was all her fault. If I was Rose I would have just kept his hand stuck to mine and allowed him to drag me under with him. What's the point in living when you have nothing? And then she doesn't even sell the damn diamond when she get's off on the other side and she probably lived very poor for a long time. Gosh... I don't even know what to say. But I get it. I get that longing. I get the song.

"The Sound Of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel

Another one from the tapes. I think this is what depression sounds like. Darkness is my friend and I have thought many times that sleep is like death without the commitment. When the lights are off here in the hospital I listen to it over and over. Just so you know, I never appreciated how easy it is to just press the replay button on my iPod until I've had to rewind a song on a walkman. Sigh. But yeah... I think this song was written for me in many ways. It makes me feel like the darkness will swallow me and kill me completely if I wanted it to. 

"Lost it All" by Black Veiled Brides

Then I lost it all... Dead and broken... My back's against the wall... Cut me open... I think it says what it needs to. And it sounds like a song where there might be a spirit haunting the passage ways or something. Nobody can save me now. The person who saved me, or at least tried is dead and nothing will ever be the fucking same again. I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!

Okay... I have tried this shit and it's not working because now I know why I like these songs and they are breaking my heart in pieces as if it wasn't bad enough to begin with. I wish they would drug me to the point where I can just forget everything I have ever known. I would rather be some zombie than live like this, always knowing what a fucking mess is and that they are all taking away my free will and not allowing me to die. 

This is shit.

I hate life and I hate this journal.

Night.

Elijah

A/N: Just something I have been playing around with since we never got to see what happened in between "Listen Before You Speak" and "Many Words in Silence". I wanted to know what was going through Elijah's mind when he was in the hospital after trying to kill himself, mourning on his own after Blake's death. Maybe this could turn into a full length novel. I'm not sure yet... Let's see how it goes shall we?