Listen Before You Speak

Flashback

I started writing "Listen Before You Speak" on the 3rd of February 2017.

I would end it on the 3rd of July that same here, a mere five months later.

That's the story, isn't it?

So as my dreams are shattered, and everything is in ashes as the 3rd of February 2020 creeps closer to me, and I can't help but feeling suicidal and depressed, I look back on my own work, the most popular of my books here on Wattpad, and probably my least favourite one with the exception of its sequel "Many Words in Silence."

Is that a shocker?

I like to shock people to a certain degree. I aim for that in my writing. I always try to write the story nobody else would want to write. I want to write about the evil in the world that I am so familiar with. And that's maybe why I don't like "Listen Before You Speak" that much, even though I have come to love the characters to bits over the last three years I have known them. So if I may, and you would be willing to stick with me, I will tell you the story...

It was the turn of a new year. 2017 was to be the best year of my life. I was going to write a bestseller. I wanted to be the best at what I did, but obviously I had to start somewhere, that somewhere being Wattpad and my first ever English work... As a practice off course. I didn't for one minute think to myself that "Listen Before You Speak" would become popular. Its only purpose was to be for me to learn to write in English, and off course to see of I can produce something remotely readable. So, for that reason I never did research like I would have normally done. I didn't do character profiles of pages and pages for each and every character like I like to do. I didn't plot and plan out the entire book to the very last page either. I took it one chapter at a time, deciding what would happen to Elijah as I went on. Which, admittedly now, wasn't the best idea at all. See, I was already planning "Behind Drawn Curtains" at that stage and most of my energy went into that, believing that it would be the one. 

I was stupid. As I have been many times in my life. And I regret not planning it properly. I truly regret not writing it a bit differently, and doing more research. But, that being said, I had never enjoyed writing a book as much as this one. I really, truly enjoyed it. It didn't feel like work. It was a breath of fresh air for me. It was a study. An escape. A tragedy that would take me higher than what I had ever been at that moment in time. It was a learning curve. 

And then people started reading it...

Do I sometimes wish I could take it down?

The thought has crossed my mind so many times, but then I think of the beautiful messages I have received because of Elijah. I remember a reader dressing up as Elijah for Halloween. There was fan art which I love so much I can't even describe it. And off course, most of all, there was a reader that composed a beautiful song dedicated to Elijah. He meant a lot to me, but he means so much more to all of you. He isn't mine anymore, no matter how many plot holes he has, and how many spelling errors there may be, and how fucktup some of the characters are... You guys love him and he belongs to all of you now, so I will never even think about taking him down. I cannot claim what isn't mine anymore. I gave birth to him, but all of you have raised him to where he is today. So much so, that I think, no matter if I were to publish a book some day that sold more than the Harry Potter series, I will look back on Elijah and nod my head, telling everyone that he is the one. He is the one where everything started. 

And I am proud of him. I am proud of all of us who helped to bring him to where he is today. I see each and every one of you as heroes who by comments and messages has kept me alive and sane over these past three years, keeping me from reaching for the bottle of pills by my side where I know they should not be standing, because in one weak moment it can all be gone and can all fade away in seconds. Yet... 

I am writing this to say thank you. To each and every one of you. Because once again I believed that 2020 would be an awesome and wonderful year. It's not... Maybe it will get better throughout. It does get better. It always does. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't leave its own scars on me.That I don't feel like this cut might be the very last one. Yet again however, it's all of you who comment that makes me go on. To decide that this year will not be the end. Who make me say things like: "It's okay, next year will be better."

And I try. Fuck knows I try. I try so hard, but I always seem to screw it up somehow. Shit always seems to hit me like I am some kind of magnet...

Today is one of those days where it's a little bit too much. Just a tad too much. But I will hold out... "Out in the Wind" only has one chapter left to be completed and I can't leave everyone on Wattpad hanging can I? And then I need to finish the sequel for "Behind Drawn Curtains" because I adore Brody so much! So I will keep on going. It doesn't mean I won't lay in bed tonight and wish to just not wake up in the morning, but I will make sure that I don't do anything to myself. I will ensure that I will be here to continue those stories. And even though I might be tired, I will fight... Because maybe... Just maybe... Maybe the next one I write will be the one that gets the acceptance letter... Maybe the next one will be the one that will make me happy... Make me feel like I am somebody, and not just some invisible force, existing in a universe that the creators off it have forgotten about, allowing us to sink into holes that's so difficult to get out of.

I'm rambling, so I am signing off...

Sorry to all of you who thought this was an update, but it was truly just a 'thank you' because I feel you all need to know how much you mean to me even if I don't know your real names and don't always answer back. As you are reading here, please know that maybe you left one of those comments that brought me back from the edge and in that way made sure that I didn't give up.

I love all of you dearly for all the love you have given to me,

C.A. Kerst