Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 4 - Gone So Quickly

It was night, and I was feeling lonely in my bed. I wished there was a way I could share it with Niall. Not because he was my love, but because he was particularly comforting and warm.

I was able to admit it to myself by now. I had, by some odd occurrence, fallen out of love with the leprechaun. I still found his actions adorable, but I no longer craved his more intimate touches and passionate kisses. When we were together, the spark was dull. He was comfortable, and being in his arms felt quite safe, but that was likely the same as how I would feel if I took the time to get to know any of the other boys more deeply. You gain an emotional attachment when you share private things with someone.

I loved Niall, but it wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to continue leading him along, so I wouldn’t have to be the one to break his heart. I knew it would hurt him, but I couldn’t be with someone and have the stress of this hidden relationship situation unless I had fallen deeply in love. And, sadly, I didn’t feel the person I needed was Niall any longer.

If we were to split up, I don’t know who I would go to. I promised myself I wouldn’t have a rebound, because that would be unfair to whoever I used. But I knew that as much as I prepared myself for this, and knew what was coming, it would inevitably hurt. We’d been together for a while now, and we both knew we used to have the perfect relationship. It was going to be hard to be the one to let go, but if I didn’t do it then we’d be clinging to the threads of something that was no longer woven.

As I made up my mind, I slowly rolled my body over on the bed, pushing the sheets from my body. Flicking on the lamp, I swung my legs over the side of the mattress and stood, stretching my back gently. Rubbing my eyes to clear the film of deep thought, I made sure my clothes were in place before opening the door and making my way down the hall.

I could’ve traced this path in my darkest dreams. I’d come here so many times, for comfort, for love, for somewhere to sleep peacefully. But this time I was here for a totally different reason. This would be the first negative memory I would have of this room, and quite possibly the worst memory I would have of Niall.

His door was cracked open, as it had always been left for the night. He knew that I often had trouble sleeping on my own or just wanted a reason to crawl into his bed, so he’d taken to leaving it cracked. That way it wouldn’t make noise as I slipped soundlessly in. Tonight, however, I wanted him to be awake. I wanted him to know I was here with him. I didn’t bother to close the door softly until it was just slightly open, as it had been before my entrance.

As my eyes adjusted to the moonlight shining through his window, I could make out the rumpled sheets of his bed with a lump in the middle. The lump appeared to be moving only slightly, trembling as it sucked in and let out air. I could feel a soft smile grow across my face as I came closer and stared down at the face of my sleeping leprechaun.

Who wasn't going to be considered mine for much longer. I had to remind myself that these were the last few moments I was allowed to feel like this. I wasn’t in love with him. If I were in love with him, I wouldn’t be feeling the pain of thinking our love had faded.  Best mates simply weren’t allowed to think about each other this way. I was going to have to work on my thoughts around a certain Irish boy.

His mouth was open; his eyes scrunched. It looked as if he was having a dream that was annoying him. Hi breathing was regular, though, so it wasn’t a nightmare. That was good; I didn’t want to get this far and not go through with it.

I reached down and shook his shoulder nearest my side of the bed gently. “Niall,” I spoke in a low whisper, “Nialler, wake up.” I continued the light motions until I heard an unhappy groan from the boy curled up in front of me.