Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 12 - Feeling Affectionate

I looked him over. His eyes weren’t quite as dull as when I had left, and he’d lost some of the bruises from his previous sleep deprivation. However, I still noticed that he looked slightly skinnier then usual, and he seemed tired and worn. It wasn’t the same Niall I’d fallen in love with all those months ago.

He turned to leave, and I shot out of the booth, latching onto his arm. “Let go of me; don’t you think I left for a reason? I don’t want to see you, Liam, you’re the last person I wanted to come after me!” He fought against my hold, but we both knew I was the stronger one.

“And you thought I wouldn’t come after you? Did you honestly think I would just let you leave and not even try to talk it over? As much as I know what you’re feeling, and I understand that you feel like your heart’s been ripped out, I won’t let us tear apart the band. They need us, Niall, and we can’t let the other boys down. It wouldn’t be fair after all the work they’ve put in alongside us. We’re not a duet, we’re a five-some; we’re One Direction. It’s not the same without you.”

He finally stopped struggling, and I slowly eased up on my grip. “But you hurt me, Liam. How do you expect me to come crawling back when you tore my heart to pieces? You can’t tell me what to do anymore; you can’t just walk back into my life when you’re the one who gave up on us.”

“I thought it would be better for us! We could finally stop lying and be ourselves, and I was setting you free, Niall. You don’t deserve someone like me, someone who can only cause pain. It’s unhealthy. You deserve a loving relationship with someone who can be there for you all the time, and I know we can find you someone if you’d just come back home.”

“And why should I even consider doing that?” he rolled his eyes.

“Because we missed you. I missed you, Nialler. We may not be together anymore, and I may have told you I fell out of love with you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I care about you. You want to know why I was avoiding you? I knew that if I saw how broken you were, I would cave in and we’d be right back to where we were originally. I can’t resist you, Niall, and I wasn’t letting myself take the risk. But you need to move on; don’t let me tie you down.”

He advanced toward me, and I backed up until I felt my bum touch the table. Still, he moved closer. “Are you saying the only reason you split up with me is because you didn’t want to lie? You still love me?” I recognized the emotion shining in his clear blue eyes: hope.

“I do love you, Niall. But we can’t be together. Yes, the reasons I split up with you for were wrong. I know that, and I’m sorry. But I can’t let you walk away and forget about everything we’ve worked for. Just come back home.” He was still getting closer, and I was getting nervous. What was he doing?

“If you love me, then prove it,” he whispered. I glanced around the bakery, noticing that it was empty except for us and the front blinds had been drawn. I mentally thanked Mary for her courtesy in giving us some privacy.

“If I prove it, will you come home and move on?” I sighed.

He grinned, “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try. Only for you, Liam. I still love you, you know. Even after all you’ve done to me.” That was exactly what I didn’t want.

“Niall, I- I can’t say I love you. But I care about you, mate. Will you promise me?”

His grin faded into a more serious expression as he leaned in, his face only inches from my own. “I promise, Li-li.”

I inhaled sharply. That was a nickname that only he and sometimes Dani, when she was feeling affectionate, used. I’d missed hearing his voice, feeling his touch. It was good to be in his presence again.

His face loomed larger, and I realized he was leaning in. Why was he- oh. Oh. He wanted me to prove I loved him by kissing him? That changed things.

Could I really kiss him right now? I had just started a relationship with Danielle, and we were doing so well together. I had really been feeling happy again, and I’d missed him. But would I be able to kiss him without undoing everything I’d been trying for the past week and a half?

We were about to find out, because I knew he wasn’t stopping now. I heard his breath catch for just a moment, a tiny hesitation, before our lips connected.

His lips were firm and warm, and gentle against my own. This kiss wasn’t our old fiery passion, and it wasn’t the soft, emotional love. This kiss was filled with comfort; it was us telling each other that we were here and okay and we would make it out all right. It was the type of kiss that I’d been craving, and I only realized that when he pulled me closer.

I wrapped my arms around him and he cupped my jaw tenderly. I knew this meant so much more for him than to did to me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I couldn’t break his heart again.

Eventually we ran out of breath, and he pulled back. I stepped out of his embrace, turning away slightly and wiping my mouth on my sleeve. I couldn’t believe I’d just done that.

I’d just snogged my newly reunited best mate while I had a devoted girlfriend. I’d messed up… again.

“Li, what’s wrong?” Niall questioned. I shook my head, and he sighed. “Come on, open up. I can tell something’s bothering you right now. Was it something I did? Was that too much? I’m sorry; I don’t want to mess it up again. You’re right, the boys need me.” I motioned for him to be quiet, and he closed his mouth immediately.

“Niall, I don’t know how to say this, but I- erm, I’m kind of in a relationship…” I trailed off, afraid to meet his eyes.

“With who?” He sounded strangled, as if my words were physically choking him.

“Danielle,” I whispered.

His eyes widened. “I thought she was done with you, after you told her the truth!”

I shook my head. “She forgave me, Niall. I’m with her now. That… that should never have happened. Oh God.” I ducked my head.

“You know what, I think I’ll stay out for a few more days. You know… let the lovely couple clear their minds a bit and get their loving stage over with. I don’t think I can handle that right now.” He stood with his back to me and head lowered, voice sounding angry.

“No, Niall, please, come back! You still haven’t seen the boys!” I pleaded with him, but he only shook his head.

“Tell them I’m alive and well and I’ll be home soon. Bye, Liam, and have fun with her,” he spat behind him, and I flinched as the door swung shut in his wake.

We’d been doing so well, for the first time we’d been in a room together since I left… what went wrong? He seemed to retreat back into his cold shell when I mentioned Danielle. He seemed so bitter toward her… could it be… he thought that I was asking him to come back so we could work things out in our relationship? Had he thought I was asking him to come home so we could be together, because everyone finally knew about us? Maybe I’d done the opposite of convincing him to move on; I was worried he thought there was a chance for us.

And I did love him. The kiss we’d just shared proved to me that I really wasn’t over him, as much as I’d hoped I was. But that kiss also made me a cheater, once again. I loved Danielle too, and I was with her, so it wasn’t fair of me to go kissing Niall. Even if I was in love with him.

I would have to spend a lot more time with Danielle so she could help me over him. I knew One Direction wouldn’t be the same until some of the tension eased and we were comfortable around each other again. But I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as before and try to date Niall and Danielle at the same time. We all know how well that turned out.

I was in love with two people at once, and I didn’t know which to choose. Should I run after Niall, tell him I do love him and I’ll break up with Danielle and we can finally have our happy ever after? Or should I go to Dani’s place and remind her how much I loved and needed her? It was a nearly impossible decision; it was a battle between my head and heart.

Thanking Mary quickly, I jumped in my car and began the drive home.