Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 6 - The Pain That Was Niall

It had been two days since Niall and I split up. An entire forty-eight hours. And there hasn’t been a moment when he hasn’t been taking up my mind.

I know I made a huge mistake; that much is clear by now. If I can’t go on without him, why did I do it? What honestly gave me the idea hat our love faded to the point where splitting up with him would help?

I was so stupid.

But I knew I’d lost my chance. Niall may be my one true love, or my only love; I didn’t know. It didn’t matter; he would never take me back. I had basically ripped his heart out and stomped on it, and there was no way I could ever make up for that.

Niall Horan was now my ex-boyfriend, and I hated it. I loved him enough for it to kill me to see him broken and missing me, but I couldn’t go back to him. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I knew that’s all I could ever give him. He deserved more than that; he deserved real happiness and everlasting love. I couldn’t, wouldn’t deny that from him. It wouldn’t be fair.

So I had begun the painful process of trying to forget him. I knew it would most likely hurt him more, at least for now, but it would make us better in the long run. Maybe if I could just forget him and everything we ever had, someday we could be the mates we were so long ago. I missed that.

No, Liam. Don’t think about him. You made one last promise to yourself, and this is one you have to keep. I was constantly reminding myself that him, how he made me feel, his name – he=who-must=not-be-named – was a forbidden subject. I was no longer allowed to let myself feel his comfort. I had to move on.

But it’s not that easy, of course, because my life is never easy. You can’t just forget the boy you’ve grown used to loving. The heart doesn’t work like that. I was dying on the inside, but I held up a happy face and forced myself to interact normally with the boys and the world, because if I didn’t I knew it would be worse.

The boys were starting to notice the distance between Niall and I. Before, we were inseparable. You asked for one of us, we both came.  You told one of us to move, the other followed. But they were noticing how out of sync we were, and how neither of us would look the other in the eye. They asked me if I knew what had happened, why Niall was found asleep in a ball around his pillow with tear tracks trailing down his cheeks even in his dreams, why I didn’t know what was wrong or wouldn’t tell them anything. But I had to close myself off from him, no matter the pain. If I didn’t I would ruin both of us even more.

I’d finally made up my mind about Danielle. She had been there for me form the beginning, through every up and down, and she didn’t deserve the lies I fed her. Even though it didn’t matter anymore, because Niall and I were no longer together, I still felt guilty and dirty. No matter how much I loved him, I should have told her the truth at least. She deserved that. She was so loyal to me, and I was using her the entire time. I hoped she would take it well.

Yes, I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her the story of Niall and I and our love, right from the start when I realized I had feelings for him. Way back when it was announced that we were taking third on the X-factor, when I realized I didn’t want us to break apart. I wanted the band to work out and plan a future together, so I wouldn’t lose the only love I’d ever found. Of course, I’d ended up losing him anyway, but that was beside the point. I wasn’t supposed to think about that right now.

The question was when should I tell her? Should I call her up right now and tell her we needed to talk? Should I wait until I know more of what I’m feeling and don’t sound like a confused and hysterical mess? There were no lessons or tips for this situation. Most people don’t find themselves in a position where they have to tell a girl they care about that they were cheating with their best mate for months. I was an idiot for even thinking it would all work out.

I sighed, rolling over on my bed, where I’d been spending most of my time lately. Either here or on the couch, pretending to watch whatever was currently on the television. I knew the boys were worried, but none of them knew how to approach me. Normally I was the one helping them, not the other way around.

Well, it couldn’t make it any better for her to hear what I had to say the longer I put it off. The words would still be the same, still put the same pain in her heart. If only there was a way to get myself out of this ugly mess without breaking any more hearts, except my own, I would take it. I deserved every negative emotion I felt, for everything I was putting Niall and Danielle through. The two people I loved, and I hurt them both more than I could ever imagine.

Swiping my finger gently across my phone, I unlocked the screen and typed in the familiar number. Calling Dani <3, the screen read while making a buzzing noise. I heard a click.

“Hello?” Danielle’s sweet voice picked up.

“Hey, Dani,” I said happily. Her voice was soothing; it helped ease the pain that was Niall.

“Liam!” she exclaimed. “How are you? You haven’t called in ages!”

The guilt came rushing back. “Erm, fine. I’m fine. I’m so sorry I haven’t called, love,” I tried not to let my tone portray my sadness.

“Li, what’s wrong?” she asked. I guess she sensed more than I thought.

“Nothing.”

“Come on, I can tell there’s something bothering you. Talk to me, Li-li. I’m here for you.” She called me Li-li… that was what my Nialler used to call me… but I can’t think of him anymore. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.

“I know you are, Dani. Always. Look, can I come over?” I sniffled.

“Of course you can. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” I hung up the phone, pretending I hadn’t heard her last sentence.

I love you. How much those words had changed my life these past few days was unbelievable. Love was hurtful; it took away everything when it didn’t succeed. I couldn’t say those three words back to her, not right now. I would break, remembering the one I was supposed to forget.

Swallowing the newly formed lump in my throat, I threw on some clothes and looked in the mirror. The boy I saw there surprised me.

He didn’t look upset, or even slightly sad. He looked perfectly fine… on the outside. But if you looked closely, you could see tearstains and pain, deep pain, embedded in his chocolate eyes. No wonder the boys knew something was wrong.

I couldn’t take back my decision to tell Dani now. As soon as she saw me, she would know there was something wrong and it would hurt her more to hide it from her than let it all out. I sighed, realizing how hard this was about to be. Almost as hard as splitting up with him.

After brushing my teeth with my flashing toothbrush that I adored, I slipped on some trainers and quietly started my car. The entire way to Danielle’s place I kept thinking of ways I could tell her the truth, but none of them made what I had done sound any better. Any way I told it, I seemed a heartless cheater. I guess I deserved whatever she would do to me.

As I rolled to a stop in her driveway, I saw the front door swing open. Standing in the doorway was a beautiful girl with long hair and a thin, muscular body. She waved excitedly, running over.

“Liam!” Danielle called out, pulling me in for a tight hug.

“Dani,” I breathed, pulling her as close as was possible. I needed this; a good hug, someone to comfort me. The last few days had been a living nightmare, and nobody had been there to help me. I was too chicken to tell the boys what had gone wrong, so none of them could help me. And, as I stood in her arms, I realized I’d actually missed Danielle. The guilt was overwhelming.

She pulled back, studying me. “God, Li, sorry to say it but you look terrible! You can’t possibly tell me nothing is wrong.”

I sighed, looking down. I felt her finger lift my chin until our eyes met, mine filling with tears. She cared. She was the only one who cared right now. I knew I was about to break her heart, but at least for now she could help me. I needed that.

“Everything,” I told her, breaking down.