Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 5 - Things Change, Niall

I woke up the next morning and slipped silently from Niall’s room, finding my own and locking the door behind me. Sighing, I fell over on the bed and curled up to think.

Even though Niall had agreed to us splitting up, I knew he didn’t approve of my decision. He wanted to try to work things out, but I had to be a stubborn idiot and go through with my original plan. I didn’t know if he still loved me, but at this point I sure hoped not. I would hate to see Niall broken because of me.

Did I make the right choice? Was splitting up with him really the best way of solving the fact that I’d fallen out of love with him? As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew I had hurt Niall, and badly. He would need time to recover, and I didn’t think he would be able to keep our promise of staying best mates, but simply not being together romantically. It would kill him.

Rubbing my eyes, I let out a groan of frustration. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t we have just told everyone about us from the beginning? Then maybe we could’ve stayed together. Maybe if I were allowed to show my love for him more often I wouldn’t have lost it. There were so many what-ifs and maybes, and I couldn’t help but think maybe I made the wrong decision.

No, bad Liam. You knew you fell out of love with Niall. He may still love you, at least to some extent, but it’s not right to lead him on and make him believe you want him just as much. That’s not fair to you, when you could be finding someone new, and not fair to him, when he should be getting over you and moving on.

I laid there for what felt like forever, just thinking. I was woken from my trance by the sound of footsteps in the hall stopping in front of my locked door.

“Li?” a soft voice cautiously whispered. It sounded a bit torn. Niall.

“Liam? You in there, erm, mate?” he asked again, knocking gently on my door.

I didn’t answer; I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the broken expression I knew would be on his face. I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him right now, and I thought he wouldn’t want to see me either. Not yet. It was too soon and his pain had to be fresh.

“Come on, Liam, open the door. I know you’re in there,” he sounded as if he was getting frustrated. I still didn’t get up.

“Fine, if this is how you want us to end, I’ll play along. You can have all the space you need. Liam, you split up with me, not the other way around! What reason can you possible have to be upset? You got what you wanted. You got your time with me and now you want s-somebody e-else. I guess I, erm, understand that. But please, I’m begging you; don’t push me away. That will hurt even more. Please, Liam, let me in,” he pleaded, his voice cracking a little and sounding very raw and emotional.

I felt a tear run down my cheek as I finally gathered the courage to answer him. “Niall… Nialler… when I said I would only stay for one more night, I meant it. I know you think you can handle being around me, but please; I don’t want to see you broken. We both need to move on, and we can’t be like we used to and expect to just let go. We both know it can’t happen.  So please, just go.”

I heard a pained whimper and a sniffle from the other side of the door. “Is that really what you want? What happened to being best mates forever?”

“Things change, Niall,” I answered simply, and I heard a small sob before pounding footsteps back down the hall.

I felt even guiltier after I forced him away. He didn’t deserve this pain. Niall deserved someone who would love him forever, unconditionally, not someone like me who strung him along only to break him in the end.

Pushing down the choking emotions, I swung my legs off the side of the bed and got up. I couldn’t sit and mope and reflect forever. On the way down to the room with the flat screen television I took a quick stop by the loo.

I looked a right mess. My hair was wildly tangled and obviously I hadn’t even tried to work with it. My eyes were slightly rimmed with red, and the lone dry tear track was visible on my cheek. The look in my eyes suggested deep pain. I had to get rid of this before the other boys saw me and started to worry.

Sighing, I splashed some water on my face to get rid of the redness. I sucked in my urge to sob and ran a comb through my hair. When I looked somewhat more presentable, I continued down.

Luckily, the television room was empty. I plopped down on the couch, turning on the telly and sitting back. I wasn’t actually watching, but I could use it as an excuse if anyone came down and saw me here alone.

I made a huge mistake when I called it off between Niall and I. My poor, innocent Nialler. I hadn’t meant to break his heart or my own. I’d actually thought splitting would be best for us. But after all the times I’d had to deny his entrance to my room, after hearing and seeing him broken, I was done for. I may not have the same level of love I used to hold for the little Irish boy, but I certainly still loved him and it hurt like hell to see what I’d done. But it’s not like I could fix it now.

As he said, I was the one who called it off. I had no reason to be upset, no reason to cry. But just one morning without him had me realizing how much time we really had together. I’d always thought we had nothing, but I hadn’t really felt the emptiness of being alone until now. We’d had plenty of time between nights, mornings, and little breaks during the day where we could sneak a quick cuddle or kiss. Why hadn’t I realized that was enough before it was too late?

I couldn’t ask for him to take me back now. I had made my decision when I split up with him, and Liam Payne never goes back on a promise. It would just hurt him more if I tried to fix our relationship, after all I’d done to push him away. God, how I regretted my earlier actions. Why could I never think it all the way through before I acted?

I missed Niall. Badly. I had already broken a promise to him, to love him forever, and a promise to myself, to never give up on our relationship. Just one moment of lost faith and look what I’d done to us. Niall was curled up in his room, breaking to pieces because he thought I didn’t want or need him any longer. I was sitting down here pretending to watch the television to avoid a conversation with the boys over why I was so deep in thought and upset. I had killed everything we’d ever had between us, even as mates. It was my entire fault.

Why did I have to be a stupid idiot and promise him only one more night together and then it would be done? I wanted him back now, but I couldn’t go back on yet another promise. I was too much of a coward to ask him and face what I knew would be a rejection. Why would he take me back after all this? He probably heard my words, is thinking about them now, and is going to come down here later perfectly fine and ready to move on.

He’s probably going to think I really don’t want him around me anymore. He’s going to find someone new and build a new relationship, stronger than ours ever was because we never let it become too serious. Again, my fault. I was the one who suggested hiding our relationship until the Larry media died down. I was the one who wasn’t ready until it was over. It was me, always me. Niall never did anything wrong.

I was afraid to see him face to face. Sure, we’d spoken briefly through the door of my room, but I had been shooting him down. I knew it was going to be ugly between us now, and the other boys and the fans were going to have no choice but to notice. How could we hide something that broke us both so badly? It was simply impossible.

And I’d forgotten another thing: Danielle.

The girl was beautiful, I had to admit. She never deserved what she was put through either. I was cheating on her throughout our entire relationship, and she never knew. She accepted the excuses I made up about why Niall and I were always so close, and she was there for me on hard days when I just needed a break. At least now I was technically being faithful, like I should’ve been from the start.

I was guilty of hurting two people who meant so much to me, and I never wanted either to be upset. Why did I always manage to hurt the people I loved most dearly? It wasn’t fair to any of us, and I was tired of it. I was tired of the choices, the mistakes, and the bad luck. I may have just lost the best thing that ever happened to me because I made an idiotic mistake. I was a downright git to Niall, and if I told Danielle the truth about everything, I could never be sure what would happen. I couldn’t bear to lose the only person I still had.

How do you tell your girlfriend you were cheating on her with your best friend?