Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 7 - Web Of Lies

She held me there as I cried, just letting my tears fall. I clung to her, my arms around her waist and my head buried in the crook of her neck, my salty tears streaming past my mouth and down her shoulder as I tasted salt.

It had been so long since I’d been comforted like this by someone other than… well, him.

As my sobs subsided slightly, Danielle took hold of my arm and pulled me into the house. She gently placed me on the couch, going back to shut the door before lightly kicking off her shoes and joining me.

“You can’t keep it in anymore, Li. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m always here for you. I always have been and I always will be. I promise you, Liam, you can let go and let someone help you for just once in your life,” she soothed me, brushing a hand through my short locks.

Could I tell her? Was I brave enough to go through with my plan? There really wasn’t any backing out now; not after she’d already seen the tears and the pain I’d tried desperately to hide for so long. It was now or never, and I knew it was wrong of me to continue the charades.

“Okay,” I breathed out. She smiled at me. “But you might want to grab a tea and settle in. It could take a bit.” As the words left my mouth she was already on her feet and in the doorframe, looking back at me to be sure she caught everything I said. I heard rustling and a slight whistling before the tiny clash of dishware on the counter, and soon enough Danielle was back beside me with a cup of tea for each of us. I accepted mine graciously, placing it on the table and rubbing my temples.

“Where should I start?” I asked.

“From the beginning. Tell me everything, and I’ll help you, my lovely Liam. I love you so much, it just hurts to see you so torn up inside,” she spoke, and the guilt worsened more, if that was possible.

“Danielle, before I start, please tell me you’ll remember this, okay? No matter what you think of me after I tell you this, remember how you feel now. I want you to remember what it feels like to love someone deeply, because even if you want nothing to do with me, you deserve happiness with someone else.”

“Don’t be foolish. Why would I leave you when you’re everything I want?” She asked, confused.

“I’m not who you think I am, Dani. Not at all. Would the Liam Payne you know fall for someone he should never be with? Would he use somebody else to cover up his true feelings? Would he decide that cheating was okay if it meant he could be happy for that moment? Would he be running back to the one he was using the whole time after he broke his own heart by being a bigheaded git? No.

You don’t know what’s really been happening this whole time, Danielle. And that’s why I’m here. I need to tell you before I drive myself even crazier, and to be honest; I need to get rid of the last of the remorse. You have no idea,” I realized my voice had been gradually raising and Danielle was now cowering back into the cushions, and I relaxed my position and softened my tone. “No, you have no idea what I’ve managed to cause this time, sweet Dani,” I whispered.

“You… you cheated?” she murmured, her eyes tearing up.

“On multiple people. Why don’t I just tell you the story and then you can ask your questions?” I spat bitterly, and she nodded, as she was unable to speak.

“It all started when I realized I thought of Niall in a way I didn’t think of any of the other lads. I analyzed his outfits to see how hot he looked, I spent time poring over his face to see how full his lips looked and how bright his eyes were. Then I found myself craving to be in his presence and touching him, and that’s when I knew. I was falling for Niall Horan, my best mate who would never think of me in the same way.

Then we had an interview. Actually, the same interview Louis and Harry originally came out in. You remember that one? We both said we had our eye on someone, and we both glanced at each other and blushed. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, I had a chance with the one I had fallen deeply for. When we got off the stage that day and Harry and Louis were moping around the house, I went up to Niall’s room. I didn’t bother saying anything or letting him know what I was about to do, because I knew I wouldn’t be brave enough to continue. So I walked in and kissed him, and he immediately wrapped his arms around me and responded. We talked it out and after all was said and done, we were boyfriends. I was on top of the world.”

I took a breath and paused. “But we didn’t tell anyone that we were together. There wasn’t a soul who knew the truth of what went on between us, and we preferred to keep it that way. But then the other boys started noticing something was different, and we had to play it off. I decided it wasn’t a good idea to come out together right after the Larry issues, so I told Niall I would find a way to prevent the media and anyone else from finding out we were a couple. And… Dani, oh God how I don’t want to say this… but that’s where you come in.”

She gasped and her eyes widened as she realized what I was about to say. “I needed someone to help me cover for the fact that I had a boyfriend, and the less people that knew I was using her, the less likely it was that we would be found out. So I found a pretty girl one day who had a great personality. Someone I would’ve gone out with for real if I weren’t already with Niall. I called her up and took her out and soon enough she believed we were truly together.

I felt terrible on the inside because I knew I was only using her, but she could never know. So I went along with it. Things with Niall were going strong, and I was too weak to tell you that he was the one I wanted. So I strung you along. And for that, I’m so incredibly sorry, Dani. I can’t believe I would do that to anyone, let alone a girl as beautiful and wonderful as you. The guilt has been eating me alive.

After a while, I didn’t feel the same way as those first few weeks. When we touched it was no longer a firework, but a little ember. When we kissed I felt comforted and loved, but it wasn’t like I was on the edge of being knocked out by my emotions. I started to feel worse and worse about the web of lies I’d spun around you, and Niall began to notice. I craved being with him, but my feelings simply weren’t as strong. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that, because after all we’d been through and fought our way out of together, I wasn’t going to let him down. He was the one person I never wanted to break.”

I felt my body begin to shake as the sobs resumed, and my voice trembled. “Because I did love him, to the very bottom of my heart. But I was a reckless idiot and I ruined it. One day I went to him and I told him how I’d been feeling, and he told me he’d known. He pleaded with me to stay with him, to let him teach me to love him again, to give us a fighting chance before I threw everything away. But in the end I won, because he loved me too much to watch me do something I didn’t want for myself. He let me go because he thought that was what I desired, because that’s the lie I made myself believe.” I was in full tears by that point.

“And I told him we could have one last night, and we did, and he’s been trying to either get my attention or totally ignoring me for the last few days. It’s all I can think about. I made a huge mistake, Dani. I trashed things with the one I love, and I have no idea if he would even take me back now. I broke him, and everyone can tell, but yet again we’re lying. We make up a new lie every time I have to be alone so I can sob my heart out, and Niall makes up excuses why his face is tear-stained and his eyes look cracked. It’s tearing me apart to see him like this, but there’s nothing I can do because I am obviously no help.” I struggled to breathe.

“All I ever cause is pain. First you, by not telling you what you were to me. Then Niall, when I split up with him, when I left him the next morning, and now that I’m not running back into his arms. And I know I’m a terrible person, Dani. I’m nowhere near the perfect guy the world thinks I am. I broke two of the most important people in my life’s hearts, and I’ll be breaking a third when I tell my mom I like lads and ladies because she never had a clue. All I seem to be able to do is break people, Dani. I’m damaged goods.”

With that, I was done. I couldn’t say any more, and Dani had no words. So we sat there, her curled up as if protecting her heart from the pain that was imminent, and me hiding my face as the water poured from my eyes and I let it all in for the first time since we split up. I let myself realize how badly Niall was feeling, and how Danielle must be feeling right now. I made myself feel their pain, and coupled with my own it was killing me. I let it all out through my tears and my groans and sobs and screams.

Sometimes, even Daddy Direction needs to cry.