Curious // Billie Eilish

Chapter 9

A/N - I'm making Habits of my Heart by Jaymes Young the *un*official song of this book so if you haven't heard it, y'all should check it out. It's also one of my favorite artists, so any excuse to plug!

Callie's POV

It's been about about a month since Billie and I started this whole experimentation thing, and I am officially going out of my mind.

I'm crazy about her and it's killing me that I get to kiss her but it doesn't mean to her what it means to me. I want her to feel the sparks I feel when we kiss, I want her heart to pound excitedly every time she sees me like mine does, and I want her to want more.

But she doesn't. She likes kissing me just because it's fun, no other hidden reason. On top of that, she doesn't even want anyone else to know about it. Anyone.

I feel like a dirty little secret and I hate it. Sure, sometimes it's kinda hot sneaking around, but that's only in the moment. Once we're done and she goes back to acting like I'm just another friend, it hurts all over again.

She doesn't know she's hurting me, so I have no anger towards her at all because that wouldn't be fair.

Sometimes that's hard though, like when she tells me about the guys she's getting with. I don't want to know about that shit, I wish she'd let me live in blissful ignorance and pretend I'm the only one who gets to kiss and touch her.

They probably get even more of her than I do. We still haven't gotten very far, just some very heated make out sessions that often end with at least one of us partially naked.

Which is where we are now, me with my shirt off and Billie straddling my lap, her lips trailing down my neck.

I keep thinking to myself as she finds the spot that usually makes me squirm and starts nipping and sucking at it to leave a mark.

She likes leaving marks. I have to make up a story about who they're from every time. I wish she would own her work at least, but no.

"What's with you, dude?" she groans and pulls her head back to look at me.

"Hm?" I reply and snap out of my thoughts. "What?"

"You're so unresponsive," she mumbles and runs her hand through her disheveled hair. "Do you want to stop?"

I sigh. "Sorry, just distracted. I have winter quarter finals coming up."

She smiles and gently trails her finger tips along my exposed skin, tracing random patterns on my stomach.

"I'll help you take your mind off of it." She smirks and leans down to kiss me again but I turn away, making her frown instantly.

"We should, uh, get ready to go," I mumble, reminding her that we have to meet our friends today. It's not for a while, we could definitely keep going for a bit, but I can't do this right now.

It's getting harder to keep this up.

She sighs and gets off of my lap, tossing me my shirt that had been flung to the end of the bed.

"You've been acting weird recently."

I put my shirt on before looking at her, trying to play it cool. "Sorry. Again, school. Stressful as hell."

I hate lying to Billie because even though our friendship hasn't been going that long, since the beginning we've always been very open with each other. That's part of why she became so important to me so quickly, and I to her.

"No. There's definitely something else bothering you," she says matter-of-factly. "And don't bullshit me."

She looks at me expectantly, her blue eyes piercing into me. I don't know what to say, because she'll sense a lie from a mile away. I can't tell her the truth though, so I'm stuck.