Curious // Billie Eilish

Chapter 24

Billie's POV

"I'm sorry," I say genuinely but there's a beep before I can even finish those two words, letting me know that Callie hung up on me.

I sigh and hang my head, dropping my phone onto the bed so I can bury my face into my hands.

Fuck, I can't believe I actually just did that.

I broke up with Callie.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I take a deep breath and shake my head, trying to calm myself down. This was the right thing to do, I've thought about this a lot recently, and I shouldn't question myself now.

As much as I love Callie, I can't deal with this distance between us. I'm slowly going out of my mind, feeling temptations that I shouldn't as well as a bitter feeling of resentment towards Callie starting to build.

I never acted on my temptations, but the fact I even had them makes me feel awful enough. I guarantee Callie has never had even the tiniest thought about being unfaithful.

She's too good for me, she always has been.

I know my growing resentment is irrational, but I can't help it. The distance is makes me bitter, and a small but still overpowering part of me was slowly starting to become angry with Callie for not coming with me on tour, and was blaming her for the feeling of loneliness I had as a result.

I'm entitled, I know.

All these feelings were getting to be too much, especially with the added weight of being outed getting thrown into the mix. In the month since the photo leaked, social media hasn't stopped trying to pick apart my sexuality, making me even more confused than I was before.

I knew it was only a matter of a time before I snapped and fucked up our relationship worse than I did just now, which would've meant leaving it in so many pieces I couldn't even dream of putting it back together.

At least by ending things the way I did, I didn't completely close the door on us. There's room for me to maintain a friendship with her at very least, as opposed to if I let myself slowly get to the point where I can't control myself and cheat on her or or blow up on her or something.

I know I sound like an awful person. I mean, I dumped my perfect girlfriend because I'm scared I can't stay faithful to her, or at that I'm going to start hating her.

I'm the worst.

Deep down, so deep that I can't properly acknowledge it, I know exactly what's happening. I'm self sabotaging, like I always do. Apparently my brain doesn't like it when I'm actually happy about something or someone, and it always looks for a way to ruin things when I'm feeling satisfied for once.

I can never be happy about something for too long before I start to slowly pick it apart until it's ruined.

I do it for everything. If I'm happy about a song, you can almost always bet that a few months later I'll hate it with every fiber of my being. It's the same thing with my feelings about myself, honestly. I hate me from a year ago, that bitch can choke.

Right now feels different than it usually does, though.

Usually when I wreck something, afterwards I feel like I did the right thing, or at least I can fool myself into thinking I did. But right now, all I feel is a sinking feeling in my stomach, like a dark pit is opening up inside of me.