Breathe.

5

Toni Braxton

My hoodie was over my head, my hair down and covering my face as I walked towards school. Peoples glares always seemed to bother me at the beginning of the day— but as the day went on, not so much. So I made sure that today I covered up. I would not be able to take the stares today.

"Lift every voice and sing. Til Earth and Heaven ring. Ring with the harmonies of liberty."

The bells.

Today... well today was Kenny's birthday.

He would have been 18. Then next months is Janet's 18th birthday and then I'm way off in October, but I would be 19. My birthday was late, causing me to be the oldest. Still, this year was going to be our golden year. Today was going to be one of the golden days.

"Toni!" I ignored the yelling for it sounded like Shawn and I didn't want Janet to be near me today.

"Lift every voice... and sing...."

"Toni!" I kept moving until her footsteps on the side walk neared me even closer and she pulled my arm. "Look, I need your help."

Slowly lifting my head and coming back to reality, I saw that she looked to have been crying. My heart was one of gold, and I got worried for her as I mumbled. "What's wrong?"

"Janet... she won't come out her house. She texted us this morning and told us she loved us. I think she's going to do something stupid. Momma Kat is at the school and we don't wanna worry her but I think I might have to if we can't get in and—."

"Just bring me there." I decided softly.

The back of my mind screamed that this was a trap, but something in my heart knew that Janet just couldn't be evil today. Not today. Not on the day where our best friend was supposed to be celebrating being legal on Earth with us. Not in Heaven.

Shawn's face morphed into one of doubt. "Are— Are you sure?" I nodded and Shawn nodded back. "Okay. Come on."

My journey to school came up short as I turned and walked with Shawn to Janet's house. I knew the way there just like Shawn did.

When I made it, Kelly was standing outside of the door ringing the doorbell. "Janet! Baby! Just let me in. Please?" She saw me and Shawn and shook her head. "It's no luck. She's acting like I'm not even out here."

"I'll be back." I mumbled as I went to the side of the house and then into the backyard. I crouched outside of the basement window and peered in. It looked the same as it did years back when we used to sneak Janet out or sneak ourselves in.

Praying that it was still unlocked like usual, I pushed it slightly. It made a creaking sound before I pushed harder and it opened. It was a small window, just enough to fit one person in and out at a time. That fact made me throw my backpack inside before sliding through it easily.

I landed on the couch and coughed a little from the cloud dust that emerged from it. Grabbing my bag, I slung it back over my shoulder as I took in the room that we used to have the best times in. It was full of dust now, seemed like no one bothered to come down here anymore. I walked up the basement stairs and walked into Janet's home.

Nothing had changed much, and when I heard videos playing from Janet's room, I knew exactly why she was prone on skipping school today. The doorbell rung again as Kelly voice shouted out. It went ignored again. Walking in her doorframe, she didn't notice me because she was in tune with the video playing on her laptop.

"Shut-up Kenny, it's not funny!" My voice cried out slightly higher than it was in present day.

"Yes it is. You kissed Garlic Joey!" Kenny yelled back with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

Janet's giggle graced my ears next before she spoke. "Stop teasing her Kenny, if Toni likes dating people who reek of garlic then that's her business. Anyways, hey Youtube!"

"I don't know why I let you two talk me into making a YouTube account." Kenny spoke in annoyance as I giggled. "I don't even like you two like that."

"You don't like us..." Janet trailed off as she looked at me.

"You love us!" We yelled out at the same time as we burst into laughter.

Kenny tried to keep a straight face but failed before he smiled. "That's true. I do love you two big headed girls."

"Hey!" Janet and I yelled out before we both started pinching him.

A tear fell down my cheek as Janet stopped the video and grabbed a bottle of pills. She sniffled as she poured them in her hand. When she went to grab some water from her nightstand she paused when she saw me. I wiped my tear as I spoke. "That's your answer? That's your solution to stop the pain?"

"Get the fuck out of my house." She spoke coldly.

I sighed before finally standing my ground. "No, I'm good right here."

Janet chuckled but it wasn't filled with humor as her eyes flooded back with tears. "You let them take him."

My head shook violently, that's not what I needed to hear today or any day. "No I didn't and you know it."

She looked away from me and back at the computer. "18. He always said when we turned 18 we would all get matching cars and drive around racing each other."

"Yeah, I know." I sat my backpack on the ground and sat on the love-couch in her room. "You remember we got caught sneaking you back in the house the day of his 16th birthday?"

She smiled softly at the memory. "Worse ass whooping of my lifeeee."

It got quiet before I asked. "Do you really hate me now?"

Janet hesitated as she looked at me. "No. I never hated you Toni. I'm just disappointed and angry at you. You let that man win. You let the cops win. You let your fear keep our best friend from finally leaving in peace. That's something that I'll never forgive you for."

I broke the eye contact as I looked down at my feet for tears were falling. "I'm sorry J... you're right. I let him go but not by choice. Not because I wanted to. I jus—."

"Toni we aren't friends. We aren't making up." By the tone of her voice I knew that her wall had sprung back up. "Don't explain shit to me."

My eyes blinked emptily for a minute before I stood up and walked over to her. Holding my hand out, I took my hoodie off my head and spoke. "Hand them here."

Janet looked down at the pills and back at me before scoffing. "You don't run shit over here. Maybe when Kenny was here, but not today."

"You wanna die, be my guest. You wanna see Kenny that damn bad right? Cool but Janet lets get real for a moment. You pop them pills, overdose, die and then what? Shawn's hurt. Kelly's hurt. Gil's hurt. Your mothers hurt. Mikes hurt. You think it's the answer but it's not and I know from personal fucking experience. So put the damn pills in my hand!"

My voice raising caused Janet to jump slightly but sure enough she slowly began letting the pills fall out of her palm and into my owns. When the last one fell into my hand, I clutched them and turned to go out. Grabbing my backpack, I walked to the kitchen and threw them away before going and opening the front door.

Kelly and Shawn seemed shocked at the fact that I had gotten in. I threw my hoodie back on my head as I glided past them. As I walked, each step seemed to get heavier before I finally realized I couldn't walk inside that school today. Hell, how could I blame Janet? If my mother didn't work crazy hours, I would be curled into a ball on my bed as well.

Turning completely off course, I walked somewhere that I knew would be my best option. I found myself singing softly as I let my mind wonder back to the church that day. "Let our rejoicing rise, high as the the list'ning skies, let it resound loud as the rolling sea."