Breathe.

23

Toni Braxton

My heart beat was in my ears dramatically as I walked into my mothers home. It was weird being back here. Especially since I'd moved out years ago and never looked back. I walked through the house before seeing my mother sitting in her sun room drinking tea with Towanda and Tamar. Taking a breath, I knew fully how this was going to go.

My sisters greeted me. "Hey Tone!"

I smiled at them. "Hey Wam. Hey Tayme. Mind giving mother and I the room?"

They both went to leave and my mother stopped them. "No. No. No. Let's stop sending them out the room when we speak to each other. What's going on?"

"Are you going to be honest with me?"

My mother met eye contact with me. "Depends. Are you okay with handling the truth?"

"I'll be thirty with an eight year old next year. I think I'm pretty equip to handle the truth.." I responded.

She nodded. "Well okay. What's the question?"

"Why did you lie to Nafessa? Why would you send her that letter? Why would you lie to me? You and daddy drug me out of that city by tooth and nail for no reason other than the fact that you two couldn't stand that I was a lesbian. She was my first love. The only person aside from Ryan and Zendaya that didn't treat me like a piece of dirt. You had no right to do that. To yank my happiness away from me. You crossed the line."

Towanda hadn't known about it, Tamar did but not Wam. My mother was under the impression that none of my siblings knew and I knew she would have rather kept it that way but I was tired. When I saw my mom sit up, I knew we were about to butt heads. "Let's get some things clear.."

"Yeah let's." I urged.

"Toni!" Towanda called out in shock from me standing my ground.

I shook my head. "No Wam, lets let this stuff out. It seems like she has some things to say."

"You have no idea what I went through with your father..." She took a breath and I smacked my lips.

"Ohhhh come on!" I exclaimed in pure irritation. "Everything isn't his fault. You are your own person! My father didn't control you."

"It is a woman's job as a wife to stand behind her husband Toni. Maybe if you would have learned more you would know that and then Keri and you wouldn't have divorced." She took a jab.

I raised my eyebrow. "Keri's no good ass was cheating!"

"Okay so what weren't you doing that made him cheat? Have you thought about that?"

Chuckling, I nodded. Since she wanted to play, we could play. "You know what... I have. Question though, daddy was cheating on you for years with your own best friend... what weren't you doing?"

She slammed her hands on her glass table and stood to her feet. "You have no right to talk to me like that!"

Towanda took my moms side. "Toni, stop talking to mommy like that."

I rolled my eyes. "Towanda... no one is talking to you!"

"Okay but I'm talking to you though!" She raised her voice but stayed where she was.

"Step a little closer and talk to me like that. How about you do that?" I rolled my neck.

"Oh and I will." She walked towards me and I gladly was meeting her half way.

Tamar came in suddenly as she got between us. "Look, Toni has a point. It's not cool for our parents to dictate our lives and live through us. She loved Nafessa. Her heart broke and it isn't fair that something was ripped away from her just when she was beginning to feel as though her luck had changed for the better."

"And what do you know about it?!" Towanda asked our youngest sister in anger.

"I know that while you all slept, Toni cried. I know that it was many times I had to walk into her room and wipe her tears. Push her over and lay next to her so she could sleep. All while you guys just slept. How could you not hear her wails? Hear her heart breaking... you only saw and heard what you wanted to. That's what it was. It might not have made her hate you but it made me. How could you do that to your own child? You and daddy are heartless. I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be disrespectful mommy.. but you are heartless."

When Tamar finished the room fell silent. I hadn't expected her to voice that out. My mother took a breath. "Look, I'm sorry okay? I honestly am. I was blinded by your father and his beliefs. He'd just began the preaching gig and I didn't want to ruin it. It's no excuse for it. I yanked your happiness away and didn't too much think of the effects. I'm sorry that you girls hate me and your father. We were just trying to protect you."

"From what?" I questioned. "From being happy?"

My mother took a breath. "We didn't grow up with such thoughts. We were taught that a woman belonged to a man and there was no way around it. Be deemed to Hell if you stepped over the line. At the time, your father was upset. Janet came over to the house with her mother and told us about you and Nafessa. At first I didn't believe a word they said, until they showed us photos. My first thought was to protect you because the girl had to have seduced you—."

Cutting her off, I hit her with a fact. "I kissed her mommy. Our first kiss was initiated totally by me. No one seduced me or made me date her. She was the only person that saw me at school for anything other than a loser who barely spoke. She saw me even when you and daddy refused to."

"I'm just telling you what I thought at the time and Janet was telling us how Nafessa made you—."

"Janet bullied me after Kenneth died. She blamed me for not testifying. I confided in her about how I was in the car that night and she told the whole school that I was the reason the cop got away. People bullied me non stop. Including your sweet little Janet, whom by the way was dating Kelly at the time!" I got upset all over again as tears built up in my eyes. "It's not enough. What you're saying isn't enough. Even if you did feel bad for how it was happening, you didn't help me. All I needed was to be able to text her or mail her. Even if we could never get on the phone, I'd rather have been communicating via text and mail than not at all. And you wrote her that dumb stupid letter! What did I do? What did I do to make you not want to love me for me?!"

"I'm not going to sit around this..." Towanda mumbled and walked off.

I looked at my mom. "You don't get to sit here like a victim. You don't get to sit here like you haven't played a part in ruining us as your children. Maybe my sisters are still in your little trance but I'm not. I am not going to sit around until you wake up one day and want to be a good mother. It's not happening. Not anymore." She opened her mouth to speak multiple times but nothing came out. Her head shook and I continued. "You forced me to love Keri, who was a great guy but he wasn't her. Nobody was her. Nobody will ever be her. Now I've got a kid with a man who barely wants to spend time with his own child. You think she's gonna take me back with all the baggage I'm carrying? And you know what, that's not even on you. That's on me. That's on me for actually believing the lies that fell from your tongue. That's on me for letting her go and trying to please you instead of me. I'm leaving mother and the way I'm seeing it, we don't ever have to speak again. Have a good life."