Reviews 2.0

Irony of Fate (RiyamCyriac)

Reviewer: riyamcyriac

Author: Molokolulush

Cover: 4/10

I don't like to judge a book by its cover, but this one is too plain. It's easily overlookable, and that's a shame because the blurb is very interesting. This is a paranormal story so I suggest putting monsters on the cover. If you need a new cover, I make some in my graphics shops and I have a reading list of really good cover shops.

Blurb: 8/10

It's a pretty good blurb. I'm interested in the conflict. I deducted two points because I don't feel like it gave enough of the story away, so it makes it seem very bland and used, but I can tell that you have an original idea behind it. It seems very philosophical, which matches the blurb. I suggest you put in Decembers name in the blurb so I know he's the main.

Chapter Analysis: 6/10

I am a sucker for philosophy myself, so this was a refreshing read. I love when the main character really gets deep in their thoughts.

The mistake was mostly aesthetic and grammar wise. The paragraphs were way too long and made it hard to read. I had to read it out loud to keep from skimming. There are also issues with punctuation, grammar, and word choice. I will elaborate below.

Chapter 1

In the first paragraph, I don't think you need a comma in between dawn and where. There are consistent issues with this, so I recommend getting an editor, and there are ones on this profile.

Description: I loved the descriptors. The imagery of the cigarette made me realize how harsh his life is. That being said, the question of his whereabouts still hang up in the air, and I don't really know where this story is going so far.

Chapter 2

Beginning: I like how this chapter connects to the last one.

Thoughts: Thoughts should be italicized so they stand out from the page, otherwise they get washed out with the rest of the words.

Dialogue: You need dialogue tags around dialogue. Example

"Why won't they let me go," December said to himself.

Plot: I like where it is going with the "appear in a place, not of his own" story, but where is Ranvier, the person I thought would star in this book.

Descriptions: I really really loves the descriptions you had and the fact that he noticed his room being different and odd really painted out his emotions. I love the introduction of the girl. It's very realistic and I kept reading and didn't want to stop to write my thoughts down, which is a good sign. I like the confusion he feels and the fact that he's feeling life again, and I was really interested in Naomi.

Chapter 3:

OMG did I love that opening paragraph. I adore the seatbelt metaphor, and the fact that you characterized her with the opening paragraph is impressive.

I'm also liking the foreshadowing and the teasing of his past life and what happened to December because of Them. I also wonder sho They are and it's keeping me interested.

Description: I think you should describe the sounds of Them instead of telling us they're gross, describe them as nails on a chalkboard for whirring. Make me scared too.

Word Use: When you talk about Them, you always refer to them as Them, even when grammatically you should use They. An example is in this chapter in the letter about the Them.

"No one knew where exactly Them started to arise..."

In that, it should be They.

I think it's really cool to learn about Them, but I feel like I didn't want them enough. I think it would be much better for you if you withhold it from us and held it up in the air. This creates suspense and makes readers want to keep reading.

Chapter 4:

Characterization: I like Naomi's inner thoughts in this. Her inner thoughts were very poetic and gave me greater insight into her personality.

I thought that the fight between December and Naomi wasn't strong enough, and really felt like they were both too gentle, but then again it is their personality so it fits. I'm just a sucker for an intense fight scene.

I like how December is already starting to show sympathies towards Them, and its very interesting. It's a nice contrast from the end. Speaking of the end, I think it's really cool that you mention a place he doesn't want to be reminded of.

Here's a suggestion. I've noticed you don't have more chapters up. I would withhold a majority of the vision and keep it as a character driver later on, and it'd be very interesting to see whatever he saw motivate his decisions.

Plot: 6/10

I like where this is going! Obviously, it needs some cleaning up and a little bit more thought and drafts, but I'm very interested in Them. I still think you should have withheld the bit about who They are for later on cause that could be a really cool plot point.

Overall

Good job so far! I think this can be a really fun read after some editing and rereading. I think you have a good idea, just weld it and execute it well! I think the best way to do this is to read more of your genre and watch a bunch of youtube videos on descriptions, grammar, and worldbuilding. Outline your novel and try to connect everything.

I would recommend this to lovers of Sci-fi and Paranormal.