How did I get here?

Chapter 58

What have I done, what have I done?
"America," Maxon says as he gently knocks on the door.
"Can we talk about it tomorrow?" I ask wanting to get out of this conversation.
"Yes," He says and I hear his footsteps walk away.
I gently changed into my night gown, not knowing how I was going to face him tomorrow.
———————-
I woke up and I considered faking being sick to get out of talking about my feelings. Though I knew I had to get up and face him, wether I wanted to or not.
Mary came in and helped me get ready while I thought over in my head what I would say to Maxon this morning, and I honestly had no idea.
I walk down to the dining room and every part of me wanted to turn around and run back to my room, but I couldn't.
I open the door and Maxon is sting there with a small smirk on his face.
"Good morning," he says.
"Please don't make this worse than it already is," I say.
"Sorry," He says wiping the smirk off of his face.
"Thank you," I say as I sit down.
"Look I know you don't want to talk about last night," he starts.
I interrupt him, "you are one hundred percent right."
"But I think we need to," He says.
"It slipped out," I stated simply.
"But was it true," he asks, his voice to sincere to ignore.
I stayed quiet for what felt like hours and I couldn't think of anything to say. It was true, but I wasn't ready to open up that part of my heart yet. I still had two months till I had to decide if we would be getting married or not.
"Well," I start, but I'm having such a hard time finishing.
"Well," He says, his eyes sparkling with anticipation.
"I'm scared of some of the things I feel," I say.
"I know," he says and gently grabs my hand under the table.
"I just don't want to get hurt again, and I don't think you will. But I'm still terrified and that's why what I'm feeling is so terrifying."
"I'm sorry," he says.
"What are you sorry for?" I ask as I meet his eyes.
"Sorry that I didn't listen to you all those years ago and sorry I made you go through all of that stuff because I was to stubborn to listen."
"Trust me you have put up with a lot more stubborn from me than I have from you." I say which makes Maxon laugh.
"I can't argue with that," he says and we both share a laugh. It's moments like this, where I can imagine this being the rest of my life.
"We have gotten ourselves into quite a few messes over these past few years haven't we?" I say.
"Indeed we have, but if I'm two months you let me propose to you it will all be worth it," He says.
I blush and look down at our hands in my lap and smile. "You are such a flirt sometimes," I say.
"Well that is one of my finer qualities," he states and I laugh. "But I'm only a flirt towards you," He says.
"Good, that's the way it should be," I say.
"I fully agree," he states and flashes me a smile.
"I have a question," I say.
"What is it?" Maxon asks as he makes eye contact with me.
"On the day of the choosing ceremony, what could have changed your mind?"
He sat back in his seat and put a hand over his mouth, I could tell by the look on his face I could tell he was contemplating this question. 
"I never make my questions easy for you do I?" I say.
"No actually," he says with a smile. "But it's good, you challenge me." He continues to think and I was about to tell him never mind when I saw the idea finally come to him.
"I have two, is that okay?" He asks.
"Sure, go for it." I don't know why, but I was so eager to know.
"One would be if I let you explain the whole Aspen thing and not just assumed. Or if there was a rebel attack that day and if one of us was in danger and I would have to imagine life without you." He says.
"Thank you, I know that was a silly question. But for whatever reason I really wanted to know," I say.
"America, I want you to know that I did love you that day and I still do, but like I said sometimes I have my Fathers temper and I let that ruin the past few years for you and I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize anymore," I say.
"I just feel bad," he says.
"I know, but you shouldn't, it was half my fault."
He stayed quiet and I looked into his eyes.
"You can't deny that it was half my fault if not more, you don't have to take the full blame."
"I know," he says.
"Then why do you keep beating yourself up over it?" I ask.
"Because you got hurt over it," he says and I could tell he was so mad and that he had probably been beating himself up over this for years.
"And you got hurt over my stupid decisions multiple times," I reminded him. Maxon stretched is back in remembrance. "See you and I both know this went both ways, why won't you just admit it?" I say.
"I don't know," he says quietly.
"Please figure it out, for me?" I ask.
"Okay, I've got a meeting to go to." He stands up and kisses the top of my head and quickly walked out the door and I'm left to wonder, how am I going to help him? Especially after he has helped me so much.