This Isn't Love

Chapter 5- Memories

I was able to wipe away Jimin's concern but that didn't help the fact that Namjoon was still pissed at me. Even as we ate dinner I could feel the tension in the air. Obviously the kids didn't notice too busy in their own world but I couldn't ignore his death glare. Why did I have to test my luck, why did I think it was a good idea to try and break free? Now I'm going to get the daylights beaten out of me and I can't stop it. I should have just answered his question, I should have just took his words.

"What's the shit you were trying to pull earlier?" He asks and I just look up at him as he enters my bedroom. "I'm so sorry I reacted that way. I don't know what came over me and I promise it will never happen again. Just please don't hurt me" he comes over and grabs me softly "I'm not going to baby. You just need to learn to be better and to obey me more. Now I have a way you can repay me" I feel his hand go under my shirt and I start to tense up. "Namjoon no we can't. I don't want to" I say and he continues anyways "come on baby you know I love you. Anyways this is the only way you can repay me. I mean you don't want to dissapoint me, do you?" I shake my head no "of course I wouldn't want to dissapoint you but-" "then this should be fine, just relax."

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Your lucky he didn't hurt you. Your lucky he just loved you. Your lucky he just touched you. Your lucky he didn't punch you. Your lucky he just used your body. Your so lucky.

I let out a little cry and cover my mouth trying not to wake up Namjoon who was sleeping peacefully beside me. I let out a relieved sigh and get up needing something to wipe away this depressed feeling. I make my way out the room quietly and go into the bathroom. I dig out Yoongi's depression medication and take two tablets he won't notice. I take a longer look at the bottle and unscrew the cap again. Just maybe.

I pour the rest into my hand and I think about my babies and how hurt they would be if I ended it all. I can't leave them with him. I know exactly what he would do if I left and I don't want him to hurt my little Jiminie like that. So I put the pills back in the bottle and swallow the two I needed. I'm living for my babies.

I go to the kitchen and look at the time seeing it was 6 already. Thank God no ones up yet or else this would be stressful. I decide to lay on the couch and turn on the T.V. wanting to rest my body. I smile lightly though as I notice I had left my phone on the coffee table. I grab it and go to my photos looking at all of my cherished memories. Especially the ones with Namjoon and how he looked at me with so much love and how happy I looked. How he wrapped his arm around me and held me close, oh how much I missed those loving touches.

*flashback*

"Ah Namjoon stop your embarrassing me" I say and giggle as he pulls me onto his lap and kisses my hand "oh the Prince is embarrassed? Well we can't have that" he says and starts to tickle me. I let out an embarrassingly loud squel and try to move his hands "your gonna make me pee Nammy!!" He laughs and stops as I try to catch my breath. "Your not nice" I say with a pout and he smiles and kisses me "better?" My eyes flutter close "I don't know. I think I need another" I wrap my arms around his neck and he gives me another delicate kiss.

I try to keep the memory for as long as I can until I remember the first time he actually hit me.

"I'm sorry okay!!! I don't know why your reacting like this!!! He's just a friend!" I yell and he scoffs "you know your such a slut just messing with all the guys you see. I don't even know why you hang out with that stupid Ken guy" "he's my friend Namjoon!! You won't let me see anyone anymore! It's like you just want to control me!" He slaps me and I look at him completely taken aback. "Oh my god Jin I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you baby I'm so sorry" he grabs me and hugs me close to him as I start to cry into his chest. "Angel I promise I didn't mean to. I'll never hurt you again believe me. I'll never lay a finger on you again."

If I would have realized sooner that what he said would never happen again would grow. Would grow to the point it was starting to kill me. Me and Ken were best friends and he hated it when I called him Lee Lee which I liked to tease him with. We didn't talk really ever again as Namjoon started to isolate me from him and every one else. He made me cut off all connections and made me tell them I hated them and never wanted to see them again. I lost my best friends, I lost my life.

I break down in tears and throw my phone somewhere on the couch. I put my head in my hands and wish I had someone to hold me. Someone who would help me so I don't suffocate from the depression that's consuming me. But it will always be like this. I'll always be hurt, I'll always wish for him to change. For him to say 'I love you and I want to change for the better, for us' it's never going to happen though. I let out another sob and pull my hair needing pain to overrule the emotional drainage.

"Hyung?"

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I'm so sorry for the lack of updates! I just don't know why all of the sudden I stopped. Maybe lack of inspiration? Or I'm relapsing? I don't know but yeah I'm sorry this sucked. I'll try better next time. A lot better.

You are so important and mean the world to everyone! Keep fighting and never give up! Remember Love Yourself💖

Love,
Weirdo