This Isn't Love

Chapter 31: Namjoon?

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I didn't think I had to, he didn't mean it. He loves me."

"You see other couples correct? Do you think it's normal for one of them to yell, threaten, and physically abuse their partner?"

"He didn't mean it, he's under a lot of stress. Being a leader of a group is difficult, it's not his fault."

"Then who's fault is it?"

I play with the end of my hoodie as my therapist looks at me expectantly. I don't know what he wanted me to say, I mean its all my fault. It's all your fault. Your the reason Namjoon is away now, your the reason the group's falling apart. Everyone hates you, you should have done something. Should have listened better, you should have just been perfect! "I can't do this" he nods typing quickly, "that little voice in your head can't hurt you Jin, it will be okay. Stop listening to it, It wants you to listen." Pathetic. Fat. Ugly. Whore. Slut. Faggot. "I can't, I can't. It's right I'm just pathetic and fat and ugly. I'm a faggot, a burden to society."

"You have a fan base of over 10 million people, do you think they don't love you?" I shake my head and gasp lightly "of course they love us. They are so dedicated and sweet, showing us endless support. I'd never question their love." He nods typing something "so why shouldn't you love yourself? Even after millions of people are rooting for you to get better, and to see you prosper in life. Why still hate yourself so deeply?"

"I can't help it! Namjoon made me this way! He made me hate every inch of myself! He called me fat and ugly and that if I didn't shove my fingers down my throat by the end of the day I'd never be beautiful enough. He would force me into bed saying he needed this, he never cared if I needed something! I never consented after he started hitting me and I felt so disgusting. It wasn't the same anymore, he didn't love me anymore!"

I break out in tears as all of the emotions I had been concealing spilled out. I didn't want to believe Namjoon didn't love me, he loves me. Please God, just let me believe he loved me. "Jin it's okay, your doing good, you said your truth and that is what matters." I pinch the skin on my arm looking down, letting my tears fall. "No, no he loves me. He loves me." I didn't need this right now. "Jin don't deny your true feelings. They are out now and that is the best for you."

----

I exit the building and security helps me back to the van as I hear some fans that had most likely seen the van call out random questions. I get in sighing and leaning back against the seat. I look out into the sky finding patterns and items in the clouds. When the driver drives away from the building Bang pd turns around in his seat with a small smile "how did it go?" Bang pd asks and I just look down feeling almost light headed. "Jin, I do have to tell you that Namjoon is currently being placed in a hotel and getting help from a psychiatrist." I nod looking up softly meeting his unsteady brown eyes, "can I please see him?" He shakes his head and I look out the window not caring about his opinions anymore.

"About the group, I don't know how this is going to work but we are going to take an extended break for just a few months. Then we are going to discuss sub units and solo careers, I don't want to push you into anything Jin." I look up at him shocked beyond compare "What? Wait we are disbanding?" He nods lightly "not completely, you'll all still stay together in the dorm room but do different works. I don't want to tear you all apart." I just look at the ground making sure to pinch the skin of my hand as hard as possible.

Your the reason the group's disbanding. Your the reason none of you are going to have a good career. You have failed them.

------

I get into the dorm ignoring the curious looks from Jimin and Yoongi and rush into a random room falling down the door, letting out soft sobs. I was ruining everything for everyone. I should have just let him hit me and hid it better. He wouldn't be gone if it wasn't for me. No but Yoongi had to tell, he couldn't keep his mouth shut. He should have just dulled out the screams, he should have just minded his own business.

I look up seeing I had run into Namjoons room and stand up going over to the desk. I see the endless list of papers and pencils scattered and want to cry out in frustration for losing him. I open random drawers and find more paperwork. He was drowning in it, it's all my fault. It's all my fault for not being good enough. Its all my fault.

I go over to his bed and lay down softly taking in the smell of his still existing cologne on his pillow. My heart fills with a sense of relief and I cuddle more into his sheets. I let my eyes close and drift off into a dreamless sleep.

----

I wake up feeling someone beside me and I slowly open my eyes only to be meant with another pair of bright brown eyes. I knew those eyes from anywhere, I dreamed about them day and night. His hand cards through my hair and I wanted so badly to touch him and hug him.

"Namjoon?"