This Isn't Love

Chapter 34: Drugs

Start: November 25, 2017
End: December 4, 2017

I wrote in my book plain and simple, I would get 10 days to do what I wanted, to finally achieve those small but magnificent goals. Then on my birthday I will end my life, not having to worry about the world and it's cruelty.

I had everything calculated, down to the last decimal and I was ready for the end of my existence. Living was getting too hard, no trying was getting too hard. If something's difficult you give up, it's the natural human instinct. So I'm going to do exactly what I was meant to do. Give up.

I traded out my book of feelings for a small pack of Malibu Cigarettes from a cheap convenient store 10 minutes from where we lived. 10 days to make sure I cause the most pain to my body so I'm unable to be identified. That's my goal at least, it's good to set goals.

So I take out my handy lighter, lighting the top of the cigarette and breathing in deeply. I cough not use to the chemicals but take a quick puff again wanting my lungs as black as charcoal. The small circular object fit perfectly in my fingers making me feel like the bad kid in movies, that I never was. The alleyway was dark in the crisp of the night and I was free to go unnoticed by the press or fans. I know that the others are worried most likely wondering were I had gone after my 'nap'. 

I was treated like a lost puppy, that needed to find home. Namjoon was home, his arms were the home I needed. I couldn't have them though due to a certain nosy brown headed boy. I breath in deeply inhaling the smoke feeling it fill my lungs. The feeling of pure nicotine was addicting, with how magically it made itself at home, learning to control you. "Come here often?" I look up and a short blonde boy stands next to me dressed in complete black. "No, I wish I could say I did." He nods and smiles "could I bum a cig off you?" I nod pulling another one out and handing it to him, since he was quite attractive I didn't mind lighting his for him too.

"What's a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?" I look at him shrugging and take another puff, "ya know, just planing to kill myself in a little bit. Nothing special." He stays quiet and I lean more against the wall "your that boy on the t.v. aren't you? The domestic abuse one?" I nod looking up at the sky with a smile "ding ding ding we have a winner. Well it was fun talking to you but I have 5 terrified guys at home who are probably thinking I'm dead." I say and walk off smiling when the stranger gives me a small wave.

---

I open the door to the apartment and am meant with Hoseok who was pacing back and forth quickly. "Hyung where were you!?!?" I give him a look of confusion before kicking off my shoes "I just needed fresh air, don't be so worried." He comes over hugging me tightly and backs away grabbing my hand and smelling the sleeve slightly, this is weird. "Jin! Have you been smoking?" I push him away gently and go to my room needing that feeling of nicotine again. I'm not willing to have a dumbass conversation right now.

The door opens right as I lay my coat down and I see Hoseok, "Hyung please say you didn't do that to yourself. You'd never do those types of things." I smile, oh how wrong he is. "Stop worrying Hobi ah, I walked around and went into the convenience store to get bubblegum. I accidently bumped into some druggy looking guy, that's probably why my coat smells like that." He nods with a relieved sigh and smiles warmly "I'm glad your safe, but I was really scared something bad happened to you, all of us were. Just tell us when you leave next time okay?"

I nod and he gives me a soft hug before leaving the room. I pull the cigarettes out of my pocket with my lighter and go over to the window. I open it and lean out slightly making sure to not drop anything. I light my cigarette and smile as the nicotine fills my lungs once again. I blow out and feel a wave of relief fill my body as the grey mixes in with the black of night. The stars were shining brighter than last night and I guessed that more innocent souls went to heaven.

It was quite cold outside and it made me shiver when a rush of wind came my way. I was surprised the cigarette had lit with the wind of tonight. I breath in loving as the smoke fills my senses, almost making me feel alive again. I keep it in wanting it to rot my lungs further. I breath out finally only to cough after, harsher than I had in a while.

"Smoking? Isn't that a little immature of you?" I look down only to see the one person I never thought to see again "Hansol?" He smiles up at me "what are you doing here?" "Meeting a friend, and funny enough for the exact reason your leaning out the window. Now bring a pack and come down here so we can talk." I lean back into my room and close the window, I put out the cigarette and throw it into the trash can. I put the pack and lighter into my hoodie pocket and go out my door.

"Hey I'm gonna call Ken and get some fresh air." Jimin nods with a smile and I go out the front door after I slip on my shoes. I go down the flight of stairs that was too long for my liking and out the bottom doors.

"So tell me what's a famous idol like you smoking?" He asks and I shrug "ya know, I heard what happened to you. Shit the whole world knows, I can't believe he would do something like that." I look at him with a nod "hey, you said you were seeing your friend?" He nods lightly with a confused look and I smile "what were you planning on smoking?" He laughs lightly "come on, I'll show you."

In the end everybody gets high.