Jin and Namjoon have always been seen as the cutest and most loving couple in kpop history. From hugs to kisses people are obsessed with this relationship wishing them the happiest in life. But what happens when the other 5 members find out what hap...
Finding a razor was easy as all I had to do was go to a convenient store and buy a pack of carving craft knifes. Convenient stores are now my best friend, well this Convenient store is as the cashier is a nice brown headed boy. He knew me almost immediately but didn't show it much as he gave me his items and smiled at me sweetly. I wasn't stupid and could tell there was always a hint of sympathy.
I didn't wear my mask out at night anymore since I didn't care if people took pictures of the items I was buying. I'd be dead anyways so why not give them a show. Imagine the headlines now, Kim Seokjin member of BTS commits suicide on his birthday. Wouldn't that just be rich, no-one would care anyways, no-one ever fucking cares.
I had quickly rushed home ignoring the gazes from Yoongi and Jungkook. "Can we get a lock on the bathroom door?" I ask going to the kitchen and throwing away the plastic while putting the razors in my pocket. "You know we can't do that." I look back at Yoongi with a deep frown,
"you know it would be nice to have privacy one and a fucking while. I've had to go through enough shit and I still get treated like a fucking piece of grass. A little effort to make me happy would help right? Well no it's all about making me healthy so you don't have to deal with someone so broken. I'm not going to lock myself in the bathroom throwing up the remains of my food anymore. I just want to be treated like a human being and not a delicate flower!"
I yell and storm off to my room sure as hell that I was going to get that lock. "Jin why didn't go to therapy today? The therapist called." Hoseok says coming in and I groan in frustration as I turn around "I didn't want to. Don't need help from him anyways, he just wants the money like all the other fuckers do." He looks at me shocked and I just go back to my bed laying the coat down "Jin if something is wrong you can tell me."
I just wave him away hoping I could get a cigarette and cut into my skin. "I'm fine, always fine." I say and roll my eyes going back to my original task. "No, Hyung are you not seeing what your doing to yourself? We want you better! We want you heathly and happy but your not letting us in." I just shake my head and carefully put a razor in my pocket so he won't notice. "I'm fine, so just leave me alone!" I turn back around to look at him and he lets out a soft gasp, and maybe that's when he really notices.
"Hyung, oh my God. What are you doing to yourself. You look...." He stops and it takes me as much energy in my body to not push him out the door "Please, just leave." He comes over wrapping his arms around my body and I can't help to burst into tears. My body finally filling to the brim with that unbearable sadness and I don't want to continue, can't continue anymore.
"I hate m-myself...I..I j-just wanna d-die. P-please let me...please." I say and push myself away from him letting myself fall back onto my bed. I sit there realizing what I had told him and grab my coat quickly. I push him out of the way and go out the door, "Jin where are y-" I run out the front door not knowing where I was going, but I needed to be away.
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I end up at the ocean I liked to pass by regularly, the same one that Namjoon had tried to get me to jump into. In that moment I knew this is where I'd end my life, who cares about the 3rd day preparation when I could get it over with now. I set up my days perfectly so I wouldn't have to deal with the weight of the world.
Day 1: Cigarettes Day 2: self harm
The third day was meant for finding the perfect place, now I'd have free time to do something else. Like contact my loved ones who I've let down the most in life. My phone starts ringing and I pick it up only to see it was Hobi, I press the decline button and turn down the phone to just buzz. I really didn't have time for that shit right now, as I was more focused on the silver razor in my pocket. I take it out and roll up my sleeve slowly as I listen to the sound of the water rushing beneath me just like before.
Jump, please. The true fear fills his eyes. I shake the memory away and press the cold metal to my skin biting into my lip as I continue to let it tear through layers, years of skin. It hurt beyond anything as I feel the blood slide down the side of my arm, I look down at it with a smile and move down pressing it right onto the vein thinking for a moment. So close to just ending it all, the perfect opportunity to just die. I let out a laugh and roll my head back letting the razor slip through my fingers and fall into the water.
In a moment of cruelty I dip my fingers down into the salt water and then press it directly into the cut making myself fall to the ground and scream in pain. It hurt so much worse than just cutting and I was going to make sure that wasn't the last time I did that. I roll my sleeve down and sit there for God knows how long basking in the pain as it burnt my skin.
I had 10 days to live and I was going to be selfish enough to not give Army's a little treat? Anyways the last moments of my life captured need to be the most important. I pull out my phone seeing that I had close to 30 missed calls from all the members and go onto Twitter. I take a selfie because I am the king of those and make my caption absolutely perfect. Can't be slacking to the dedicated followers now can I?
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Learnings more important than loving right?
It's all a fucking joke though, their lives controlled by the thought that their precious idols are the closest thing to perfection they'll see in a lifetime. Then they grow up and see the stupid shit they like and forget about us and forget we existed. No one's stays long figuring out the real evil behind the industry. The tired bodies begging for release after being painted up and told how to act. Not allowed to think expect for how to please the fans, even at the cost of our own dignity. We signed a contract, and with it came the end of our own thoughts and rights.
Some go bankrupt, some die, but in the end we were famous. Our lives determined down to the size of our waist. Evil lies in the many strings companies use to control us like little dolls. No wonder everyone becomes depressed, we are overworked. Trained like lab rats to make money, I couldn't name an idol I know who hasn't thought about how ugly their body is. She isn't thin enough, he looks like a girl, it's all quite stupid. We pass out and skip meals just to please random people who will forget us.
I like to believe Army is different, that they aren't in this for the fame. That they truly care about our well being and support us even when we don't need it. Army will remember us because they are loyalists beyond compare. Most sharing their pasts of depression and how we helped them out of the hardest times in their lives. So they deserve the last moments of hope for us, and they definitely don't deserve the end of their idols life. But life's not fair is it?
