This Isn't Love

Chapter 37: Shredded

WARNING:
EXTREME AMOUNT OF GORE DETAIL

"I don't care!! I need to!" I yell out as tears of frustration fall down my face as I take in the fact I'll never be able to go alone ever again.

Jungkook was holding onto me tightly as I fought against his chest needing the burn of my skin to go away. I had tried sneaking into the bathroom trying to take out the metal in the shaving razors cutting into my fingers in the process. Hobi and Jungkook had heard me though most likely from the sound of my feet on the wood or the pit pats of blood dripping from my shredded fingers. It was one of the two, or many others as they never failed to make sure I didn't mutilate my body any further.

Its for nothing though really, it's the forth day, I die in 6 more days and I can't wait. I can't wait to watch as the world fades to black and the relief fills my body. Time waits for no man, but man will always want more time. It was true and I needed less time, needed the days to go by faster, to finally feel at ease.

So I hated it when they found me, completely horrified. Jungkook knew, saw the blood on my fingers and the deep lines that cut through skin. He knew and I know I should have fell into his arms, sobbed my heart out, and told him I didn't want to live anymore, but I didn't. I fought against his figure punching his stomach and he just took it, sat there and hugged me close even if it hurt him. I knew it had to be killing him, and I felt horrible but I didn't want my world to come crashing down like this.

I wanted to just leave, so I wouldn't hurt them anymore. So they wouldn't have to feel the pain of taking care of someone so weak. I wanted them to disown me, to throw me away just so they wouldn't suffer any longer. I wanted them not to feel any remorse I wanted them to hate me. I wanted the worst for myself and it killed me.

"Jin look at me," Jungkook says and I shake my head rapidly as I try to rip the skin on my fingers. Worthless, that's what you are. Namjoon is gone because of you, after all the things he did for you this is what you do. Pathetic. Just kill yourself already slut. "Make i-it stop! P-please!" I yell clawing at my skin as roughly as possible. I could feel the skin in my nails and the blood dripping from my fingers. "It's going to be okay, you gotta stay strong for me, please" I grip one of the many shredded pieces of skin on my fingers and pull roughly. It breaks free and I scream in pain as hot blood gushes against my nails.

I could hear Hobi's cries and the sound of feet running and I fall into Jungkooks arms limply, "w-we need t-t-to help him, h-he's killing h-himself" Jimin chokes out and I feel Jungkook put one arm under my thighs holding tightly before standing up and placing me on the counter. I fall back immediately with my back hitting the mirror as I lift up my hand and look at my fingers.

It was exactly as I thought, sliced. There were three cuts on 4 fingers and they were terrifyingly deep. On my middle finger one of the thick pieces of skin had been ripped exposing the layer of fat under skin. I could barely recognize it was a finger, but then again my heads fucked up. My nails were purple and broken at the tips some bleeding underneath. One was threatening to come off completely as it was hanging on by the last strand.

I grab it with a sick smile "oh god Jin please don-" before he can finish I rip it off and Jimin screams making me chuckle. "Stop stop stop stop!" Jimin screams falling to the ground and I just watch with glazed eyes feeling lucid and almost high. Jungkook grabs my arms locking them behind my back and I try to wiggle free but he holds firmly putting his head on mine whispering prayers. "Jin look at me, look at what your doing to yourself," Yoongi says and I just shrug liking the burn in my hands "doesn't matter anyways, I'm nothing."

"Jin please, we are begging for you to see that we love you and that you can't be doing this to yourself. You are so amazing and beautiful, and we love you so so much. Please just see it Hyung please." I shake my head already biting the inside of my lip to cut off chunks of flesh. "Namjoon did this to you, he made you like this and I need you to fight back" I just laugh falling back as Jungkook catches me and I just bask in how I was starting to see spots. "He didn't hurt me, He loved me. Loved me so much he helped me become better. Skinny until I threw up blood, whipped me until my back bled, he loved me."

"THAT ISN'T LOVE!" Jimin screamed at the top of his lungs and I look at him in surprise as he comes over looking directly into my eyes. "Love is beautiful, love is sweet cuddles and w-words of support. Love isn't abusing your boyfriend until he ends up in the h-hospital, love isn't raping your best friend saying that you weren't good enough. H-he raped me Jin, saying that you w-weren't good enough and that I was p-powerless and w-weak. You love a man that can do that to your friend, y-your brother?"

I sit in shock as my head clears up and I start sobbing. Sobbing from remembering him torturing Jimin, sobbing from the pain in my body, and sobbing from not protecting my brother. I was protecting a rapist and abuser and it still felt so right. I should have been there, I should have killed Namjoon for hurting him like that, but I didn't.

"I am s-so so s-s-sorry, I just w-wanna die"