This Isn't Love

Chapter 18: Visitor

It was like a punishment going through the days only being able to sleep and use the restroom. The restroom wasn't even good as someone had to come in with me every single time to make sure I wouldn't throw up. As soon as I landed in this hospital bed it was like all my rights were stripped away as a human. I wasn't allowed to do anything alone and it was humiliating.

I didn't let the members come at all over the corse of these 3 days. I didn't want to see their faces and how sad they were, I couldn't handle that guilt. They tried so hard to get me on the right track and love myself but it was nearly impossible. I failed them, I am a failure.

I roll on my side biting my hand at the pain of just moving a little. I let out shaky sobs and curl into the blankets more, useless. I am so pathetic that I can't even be strong for my members. I shouldn't even be in the band. They don't need me. I'm not attractive in any way and I can't sing for shit. Everyone already says it, I see the comments and people saying that I shouldn't be in band and I'm just an ugly fat pig. I try to wipe my eyes with my hand and let out a sigh of exhaustion. I needed to rest.

.

.

.

.

I wake up to a hand in mine and look over seeing Ken. Once his eyes meet mine he smiles "hey, w-what are you d-doing here?" I ask my voice slightly rough from the sleep. "They allowed me in since I wasn't on the list of people who weren't allowed to come." I smile softly and close my eyes and reopen them noticing that I was still extremely tired. "Aren't you all t-touring at the moment?" He just holds my hand tighter in a calming way, "I'm getting on the next flight tomorrow so I'll make it. I couldn't continue knowing you were in the hospital and I hadn't seen you." I sit up only letting out a slight hiss at the needles in my arm.

"Wait how did you k-know I was in the h-hospital?" I was slightly panicked thinking that all of army knew and I had failed them too. "A fan saw Yoongi in the waiting room and posted it, then another fan who thought they saw you sent out a picture of you being put in an ambulance." My eyes fill with tears and I quickly tried to wipe them away even if it hurt.

"Are armies disappointed? They all think I'm an attention whore don't they." I say finally letting my tears out, as he stands up and lets go of my hand hugging me. "No, no of course not Jin. They are just worried, and no one is disappointed they all want you to get better and be happy. Nobody knows why your in here so its okay, your okay." I nod and wipe my eyes agai, "here look" I look up to see his phone with thousands of different tweets.

@cloudyseokjin
Armies are praying for you Jin! Stay healthy! #jinyouareperfect

@yoongiscoffee
Get better soon! #jinyouareperfect

@salty.suga
I hope he's okay it looked really bad. We all know Bighit doesn't let them rest enough. #jinyouareperfect

@Jinstar
What's wrong with Jin oppa? I hope he's okay!! We love you oppa #jinyouareperfect

So many others talked about how scared they were for me and wished me to get better. It made me feel guilty that they worried for me but also so happy that they cared. "See people aren't disappointed, they care Jin, and I care. Not one person wishes harm on you and if they do then they can go away." I smile and yawn "I need to lay down" I say and he lets go so I can lay back against the bed.

He sits down in the chair again and sighs "they told me why you were in here. I never expected it from you of all people, the food junky. I knew I should have said something when I saw how skinny you were." I close my eyes and breath steadily as he grabs my hand again. "Are you getting any better?" I nod and open my eyes sleepily, "yeah I'm just r-really tired, and I've s-slept the whole d-day." I say with a laugh and he runs a thumb over my hand and smiles.

-----

We talk for a while me almost dozing off completely drained of all energy. He didn't ever wake me as I would accidently doze off and then come back to. He just quietly listened as I would talk about nonsense and reply with kind encouraging words. He talked me to sleep also saying nonsense knowing I was tired.

I woke up to an empty room with only the moons light shinning through my window. Surprisingly the nurses had taken out the needles probably thinking it was okay to and my feeding tube was unhooked like every night at this time. It was 4am by the clock and I sit up rubbing my eyes. I decide to stretch and go over to the window seat.

I smile as there was a bag. I open it and there was a letter and two books, I open the letter and take a seat.

Dear little Jinnie,
I know it's hard and I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Your such a good person and always care for others when you don't have to. You'll always be my best friend and I'll always care for you like a brother. Every step of this journey I will help you even if it hurts me. I want the best for you and I know you want the best for me too. I know you get bored on that hospital room so I got two books that I know you'll love. Your always so carefree like that, and I hope you'll always be. I love you, stay strong.
Love,
Kenny

After that all I could do is sob.