red side of the moon- trixya

twenty four.

Middle of the winter with so far to go

"Trixie," Jodi said. "You need to calm down."

Trixie had locked herself in the bathroom and sat in front of the door for extra defense. She was sobbing and dry-heaving in the midst of a panic attack. Her heart was somewhere between pounding and not beating at all, but Trixie couldn't tell which. She heard Jodi's voice and was brought back to the AP English room. Even then, things were easier. She still had her own home to go back to. She still had Katya.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm not," Trixie sobbed, and that was true. She couldn't from a coherent thought if she tried. All she was thinking about was Katya.

She was thinking about how, when she went to school, everyone would hate her even more than they already did. How she would be bullied and ostracized and truly alone, since Katya's friends would no-doubt abandon her. Her misery was all-consuming. She was thinking about those pictures that were now floating around school. How her mother had probably seen them.

Oh, her mother. The woman who raised her and loved her and cherished her. Or used to, at least. Her mother would've seen the photos and hated Beatrice even more. Trixie was sure they would've reinforced the bad feelings her mother had about her.

"She didn't tell anyone, Trix."

Trixie sobbed even harder at Jodi's words. She knew they were true. They seeped into her skin and coursed through her bloodstream and drove her to insanity. She knew Katya didn't technically tell anyone. She thought it would be easier to have someone to blame for all of this. Katya was the one who sucked on her fingers, anyway. She did that to prove a point. And it backfired.

"She's hurting just like you are," Jodi murmured.

"Is she?" Trixie felt her blood begin to boil. "She wasn't outed in front of the whole school."

Jodi paused and judged Trixie's ignorance. "Yes, she was."

"What are you talking about?" Trixie's voice cracked in the midst of her sentence.

"Freshman year. You were in eighth grade. It was pretty obvious she was gay, and her personality led her to becoming friends with some outgoing seniors. They asked her if she was gay in a group chat, she said yes, they screenshotted. Sent it to everyone in their contacts."

Trixie's eyes went wide as she crossed her arms across herself, trying to become as small as possible. She cracked open the bathroom door as Jodi scooted in to sit beside her.

"How come I never heard about that?" She asked, her voice tiny.

"Because," Jodi began, "no one cared." She paused for a moment and took Trixie's hand, tracing her thumb along the back of it in slow, small circles. It was the trick Katya told her always worked wonders, and judging by Trixie's demeanor, she was right. "The world isn't as cruel as you think it is."

And then Trixie started crying again. She was overcome with emotion. Relief that maybe people wouldn't hate her. Surprise that she had never heard about Katya's experience. Fear as to what would happen next. Fear that Katya would never love her again.

"Is she okay?" Trixie's voice was a newborn deer- soft and feeble, innocent and curious.

Jodi looked at her phone, panic spreading through her body. "She hasn't texted me in, like, five minutes. She said she was sick and now she's not responding."

The anxious energy radiating off of Jodi worried Trixie severely. She knew Katya was a relatively brave person. She always texted back right away. Now, Trixie didn't know too much about her girlfriend's past, but she automatically feared the worst. And she feared it was her fault.

"What," Trixie mumbled. "what do we do?"

"I think I need to get over to her house," Jodi said, her voice drenched in urgency. She shot up and looked at Trixie, who was dressed in a big pink tee-shirt and athletic shorts. She wasn't wearing makeup and her hair was done up in two braids. She looked like a picture of shattered innocence. "Are you coming with me?"

Trixie was unbelievably overwhelmed. "God, I messed this up, didn't I?"

"Maybe," Jodi stated, "but this just might be your chance to fix it."