red side of the moon- trixya

twenty six.

And she still listens to the radio

The cool breeze turned frigid as Trixie climbed to sit beside Katya.

"What are you doing here?" Katya's voice was unlike Trixie had ever heard it before. It was deeper and more pensive than it had ever been. It carried with it the weight of enormous sadness and confusion.

Trixie resisted the urge to hold Katya's hand. She had tossed that privilege to the wind. "I'm not sure," she admitted.

Silence came over them like clouds rolling over an island, forecasting a wicked storm. Katya was not excited by Trixie's presence like she had been, but there was some relief to the breach of loneliness. Trixie's heart was made of lead and her spirit hung low in her body. Everything was wrong. She should be holding her hand and making Katya laugh. She should be listening to the wisdom that spilled from between the girl's red lips. Trixie should be Katya's again.

"This is a neat spot," Trixie murmured. "How often do you come out here?"

Katya laid back against the roof so she was looking diagonally up to the sky. She took a deep breath before answering. "I haven't been out here in a while."

"The view is really nice."

"I know," Katya whispered, her eyes now closed as she imagined her entire life. The past, present, and future. She saw her tear streaked face in the mirror. She saw Trixie sitting on the bathroom floor, tangled in her arms. She saw nothing else. "We don't have to pretend to be strangers," she spoke.

Trixie looked at Katya. She admired the way her eyelashes rested against her lifted cheekbones. She watched Katya's chest rise and fall with her breathing. "I know," she admitted. "This is the hardest thing I've ever done."

Katya, eyes still closed, continued to breathe. She tried to picture herself on a college campus. She tried to see herself in a leather chair, helping patients unlock the inner-workings of their minds. She tried to see herself in a white dress walking down the aisle. She tried to picture herself, but all she could see was black. There was no future.

Trixie wanted nothing more than to take Katya's hand and fall back into her completely. She wanted to drown in the blue pools Katya's eyes held. They pictured a secret paradise, and all Trixie wanted to do was see them. She wanted to touch the surface of her skin and feel the electricity as it connected the two of them in some cosmic way.

As Katya opened her eyes, she saw Trixie staring at her. She saw the desperation in her lover's eyes. She saw everything she wanted her future to be. She realized she couldn't see the future she wanted if her soulmate was behind her closed eyelids.

"This wasn't my fault," Katya began.

"I know, and I am so sorry-"

"Let me finish." Katya closed her eyes again. "This wasn't my fault. Yes, I was drunk and shouldn't have put your fingers in my mouth in front of everyone. Yes, I lied about being in love. But this isn't my fault, okay? I didn't out you. I didn't ruin your whole life and make your mom leave and make everything else go wrong. You left me, okay, and now I can't tell if you want me back, or if I'm just crazy." She paused, and looked deeply into Trixie's brown eyes that were now welling with tears. "This is the hardest thing I've ever done, too, but I don't know if I should want you back."

Trixie was taken back by the seriousness in her lover's voice. She hadn't heard it in so long. "I don't know what to say..."

"I love you," Katya whispered, "but you need to figure it out."

They sat on the rooftop for what felt like hours. Katya kept her eyes closed, not checking if Trixie was still sitting beside her or not. She could sense the sun slowly sinking in the sky through her eyelids.

Trixie sat perfectly still forever. She thought about what to say and how to say it. As her back began aching as much as her heart, she decided to lay down beside Katya. She slowly took the girl's hand in her own as she spoke.

"I am so sorry. Sorry doesn't begin to explain the anguish I'm feeling, and it never will. Talk is cheap, but it's not like I can buy you a Lexus or anything, so it's all I've got. I am so sorry, Katya. I am sorry for fucking this up and hurting you. I hurt both of us so much," she said. Her voice was weak as she wiped a tear from her face. "I can't take back what I said. I can't force you to love or trust me again. But I mean this more than anything I have ever said in my life: I love you enough to fall by myself. I love you enough to help you on your way down." She paused, trying to steady her shaking voice. "I love you enough to leave, too. If that's what you want."

Katya felt a single tear slide down the side of her face, getting lost in her blonde hair. She still had her eyes closed, but she squeezed Trixie's hand tightly, realizing just then that she never wanted to let go.

"It's not your fault. It never was," Trixie cried softly.

Just as Trixie was about to leave and go back inside, Katya spoke. "I love you," she said. "And I forgive you. I'm sorry, too."

Trixie smiled as she watched Katya's eyes open. The whites of Katya's eyes were pink which only accentuated how bright her pupils were. In them, Trixie saw everything she wanted her life to be. And Katya, looking into Trixie's brown eyes, did too.