Shaded ✔️

CHAPTER 16

*possible trigger warning

I swear I felt my world shatter. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to take a deep breath but it felt like I couldn't get the air to my lungs. Before I knew it I was dropping to my knees, clutching at my chest and gasping for air. I could feel Val above me, gripping my shoulders. I could hear his voice, but it sounded a million miles away. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the tears spill over. I let out a strangled sob before I felt darkness take over.

It was only for a second. A moment of peace before I caught my breath, the air finally reaching my lungs. I forced myself to get up. Val was looking at me cautiously. I didn't realize what I was doing until I was in front of him, pounding my fists against his chest. Anything to distract me from the inevitable. I didn't want to think about the fact that the only piece I had left in my brother was growing inside a woman I despised. Val let me hit him a few more times before he gripped my fists.

"Scarlett, stop." I tried to fight against him but gave up, letting my body sag. He didn't let go of me. I sobbed into his chest. He tried to take my hand in his but I pulled away as if he had burned me.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me. How could you? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU VAL?"

"Please listen to me Scar, I didn't have a choice. She came to me, she needed help. She wanted to wait until you were doing better to tell you."

"Don't try to pin this shit on me. Just stop fucking defending her. My best friend is carrying my dead brother's child and I'm hearing about this now, six fucking months later? Why the fuck would you keep this from me?" I hated the way my voice shook.

"You were all fucked up. We didn't want to cause you any more pain."

"Stop fucking saying that. And you thought keeping this from me wouldn't cause me pain? If I had known-" I stopped myself before I could finish. Val narrowed his eyes at me.

"Would it have changed anything? Would you still be getting fucking plastered every night, pushing everyone away, working a dead end job, going nowhere? Would you have actually dealt with shit?" his voice was almost condescending.

"It would have changed everything, you fucking asshole. If I had known I wouldn't have tried to fucking end all this bullshit the goddamn night she left me. So fuck you, Val." I pushed past him, wiping my eyes and making my way toward the door. He grabbed my wrist, pulling me back to face him.

"You told me that it was an accident. You told me you didn't mean to take mix the pills with booze. You fucking promised me." His voice cracked. We both remembered the night he found me on the bathroom floor in a pool of my own vomit. The night I got my stomach pumped. The night I almost died.

The same night I went to go find Anastasia, to tell her that I think I needed help. That I couldn't think about anything other than wanting to be dead.  That every time I closed my eyes all I could see was him dying in front of me, over and over again.  That every single morning I woke up I wished it was me that died that night, not him.

All I found was her room at the clubhouse empty, all her shit gone. All that was left was a piece of paper with 2 words on it, I'm sorry.

So I took whatever pain killers I could find and chased them with a bottle of Jack.  And for the first time in a long time, I felt peace.  

Then Val found me, and I remembered opening my eyes for a brief second.  Seeing the look on his face that night changed everything for me.  I could never be at peace knowing what this would do to him,  so I fought against the weight of the darkness that was pushing down on me and I swore to myself that I would live, if not for myself then I would do it for him.  

I looked into his eyes, seeing the pain in them that mirrored my own whenever I thought about that night.

"I fucking lied." I pulled away from him, making my way back into the clubhouse. I opened the door quietly, hoping she had gone to bed. She was still sitting at the table, her head in her hands. She stood up from the table when she saw me at the door. The sight of her round belly brought more tears to my eyes. I roughly wiped them away, reaching down to grab my bag. I looked at her again, wanting nothing more than to run to her, to put my hands on her belly and feel where my brother's child was growing, but I forced myself to push the feeling away. I grabbed my keys, moving to turn away.

"Scar..." her voice was soft. It felt like everything in me was begging me to go to her. Maybe I could never forgive her, but I couldn't take out the hate I had for her on the baby she was carrying.

"Don't." My voice was barely a whisper. I don't know if she heard me, but I didn't wait around to find out. I pushed through the doors, not bothering to look at Val as I practically ran to the Jeep.

I pulled out of the driveway as fast as I could, forcing myself not to look back. I didn't know where I was going. I pulled out my phone, my finger hovering over Ace's contact before I turned it off and threw it in the passenger seat.

So I drove, not really knowing where I was going. This was becoming another one of my bad habits. It had only been an hour since I left Jax at the motel. I decided to take my chances, hoping he was still there.