Shaded ✔️

CHAPTER 36

I was in the same spot I had been since he left. I was too scared to move, terrified that when I did I would realize that this was really happening, that I would have to face the reality that Jax was gone. I opened my eyes and everything looked the same, the only thing out of place was my gun thrown carelessly on the floor. But I felt it. The missing presence of not only one but now two people from this goddamn apartment. It was suffocating.

I made my way down to the clubhouse, forcing a smile on my face as everyone gave me their congratulations. I couldn't even bring myself to think about the baby or anything else for that matter. I couldn't feel a goddamn thing.

I sat at the bar, a full bottle of Jack in front of me. I lit a cigarette and stared at it, longing for that one moment of bliss before I blacked out where I would forget about all the shit going on around me.

"I thought I would find you here."

"I didn't open it, if that's what you're thinking." My voice sounded strange even to my own ears.

"Stas is asking for you at the hospital." I just nodded. He gripped my chin, forcing me to look at him and seeing the tears in my eyes before I jerked my head away and reached for another cigarette.

"I know today was hard, Scar. I wish he was there too." I hated myself for not being more focused on that.

"Unless this is about something else?" It was more of a statement than a question. I still didn't answer.

"Scar, does this have anything to do with Jax asking to go nomad? He didn't give me much of a choice, just told me he was leaving. Said he wouldn't be back for a while." I got up abruptly, shouldering by him without saying anything. I could hear Val calling out after me but I didn't stop. I didn't know how to feel about the news that Jax was actually gone, even though I was expecting it. Part of me wanted to fucking destroy everything in my path, to slam my fists against the wall until they were coated in blood, but my body felt too numb to move. I headed to the hospital, Stas seeing the distraught look on my face and making room for me in her bed. The girl just gave birth and here I was sobbing all over her hospital gown. She didn't say anything, didn't tell me it would be ok, she just held me. The irony of the fact was that she was crying too. Crying because the father of her child was dead, and here I was missing the man who killed him. The pain of him leaving clouded my senses, but I knew the only thing I could do was accept that he was gone and never coming back. I knew that if I ever saw him again, I would have to kill him. I knew it would kill me in the process. I would never forgive myself for letting him leave, but I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

6 MONTHS LATER

I had gotten used to waking up in stranger's beds over the past few months. Living in a small town made it hard, but I managed. I snuck out of the guys room, hopping on Nate's bike and making my way back to the apartment. Although the apartment was supposed to be for me and Stas, it now felt like I was intruding on her home with Val. That's why I decided to move out. Val and Stas were going to move into their own home that wasn't plagued by memories of Angel's dead father. Half of the money from the apartment would go to Angel and the other half would pay for my place in the city. Leaving Angel was the hardest part, but I knew that I would be back to see him every weekend and every break from school. I had spoken to the college and they renewed my acceptance. I was starting in the fall. Everything was finally falling into place.

At least that's how it should have felt. In reality it just felt like I had been messily gluing everything back together since the day he left. I was finally doing all the things I said I would do. I was finally getting out of this goddamn town, and I couldn't even be happy about it. Because what if he came back? What if he came back and I was gone? Part of me would give anything just to see his face again, and part of me was fucking terrified that I would. Stas had convinced me to leave, not because she wanted me to, but because she knew it was what I needed to do. It hurt to leave this all behind, but I knew I would be back as often as I could. There was too much pain here, and I felt it more and more each day that I stayed here. There were days when I couldn't even force myself to get out of bed. I knew it was time for me to go. Stas didn't have it in her to leave Val and I was glad. Val couldn't lose anyone else, especially not Stas or Angel. Not to mention the fact that I was harbouring a secret that would destroy all of them. They would hate me if they found out that I had known all this time, that I had let the man who killed their president become their VP, and then I had let him walk away. All because I fucking loved him. That would be the biggest betrayal, to the club, to Val and Stas, to Angel.

I looked around my room, all my stuff packed away in boxes. My fingers still itched for a cigarette, but I hadn't touched one since Angel was born three months ago. I told everyone that I did it for Angel, but in reality it was because even the smell of smoke reminded me of him. Quitting didn't help much, I still managed to let everything else remind me of him. The plant that Stas had bought for the living room was the same shade of green as his eyes, the unopened bottle of Jack under the kitchen counter was just a reminder of the taste of whiskey that was on his lips when we kissed. I hadn't touched a bottle since that night. My life had returned to the same cycle as when Nate died; go to the gym, work at the tattoo shop, help Chuck behind the bar, go to sleep. Instead of the void of one missing person, there was two. At least now I wasn't destroying my lungs and liver to fill the void. I had moved on to using more healthy coping mechanisms, like getting more tattoos, punching the bag in the gym until my knuckles bled and meaningless sex to feel something other than the loss. It didn't help that every time I fucked someone else I was thinking of him. That's probably why I ended up in a stranger's bed almost every night. I could almost pretend that it was his hands on my body. Almost.

Angel was the only thing that made me truly happy, no matter how many times he spit up on me or cried bloody murder when I changed him. He looked like Nate already, the same light brown hair had begun to grow on his head, and he had the same amber eyes as his father. He had my heart, along with the rest of the club's, wrapped up in his tiny little fingers. I knew Stas was worried about the club life...what would happen when he grew up and wanted to patch in, but Val promised her that he would retire as soon as they found another guy to take his spot and they would take him away from this place. Sometimes the guys talked about Jax coming back, taking Val's spot as president. The thought made my stomach churn.

I watched Val and Stas in the kitchen, Val making breakfast and Stas with Angel in her arms. I never thought I was the kind of girl to want that life, the whole married with kids thing, but as I looked at them I realized this was the first time I had seen either of them truly happy in a long time. Val was singing along to Shook Me All Night Long, spinning Stas around as she laughed. My brain forced images into my head, forced me to imagine what it would be like if he was here. The pain in my chest reminded me of why I would never even try to have what they did, not with my track record.

The days passed by quickly as I got ready to move in to my apartment. It was a small 2 bedroom apartment in the heart of the city with big windows. Stas threw me a going away party where I was forced to watch all my brothers get obliterated while I drank a lukewarm cup of fucking coffee. Then I was packing up my truck, watching as the only family I've ever known gathered around and said their goodbyes. I didn't let myself cry until I looked back and saw Stas waving at me with Angel's tiny hand.