Shaded ✔️

CHAPTER 34

I don't know how long I sat there. It could have been minutes, but it felt like hours. If I thought I was lost before, now I was gone forever. Any hope I had for my life going back to normal had been dependant on finding whoever it was that killed my brother and putting a bullet in him, but now any hope for revenge was useless. Now I had to choose; kill the man I thought I cared about or live knowing that I could never retaliate for my brother's death.

The vibration of my phone ringing in my pocket brought me back to reality. I saw that Val had called me 6 times and was calling again. I barely answered the phone before he was yelling through the speaker.

"Scarlett where the fuck are you? You need to get to the hospital NOW. Stas is going into labour." I didn't even have time to utter out a response before he hung up. I could feel myself getting in my car and driving, but I didn't feel like I was there. I felt like I was watching myself, my body separated from my mind. That feeling didn't go away until I was outside her room, being rushed through by nurses who were telling me I got there just in time. I heard his cries through my ringing ears before I saw him, tiny and wrapped in blankets. I saw the tears in Val's eyes as he looked down at the baby in Stas' arms, who was looking like she had been through hell and back but a look of pure joy in her eyes.

I couldn't feel it. My chest felt hollow, like there was nothing left inside it.

I felt the wetness of tears on my cheeks before I felt the whirlwind of emotion hit me as Val placed Angel in my arms. Joy, because he was finally here and healthy and fucking perfect. Sadness, because I knew that it should be Nate who was here instead of me, holding his son in his arms. But above all I felt completely distraught, because despite the fact that I was holding this baby in my arms, despite the fact that I should feel nothing but pure joy, all I could think about was the man who had betrayed me in the worst possible way.

I was no stranger to heartbreak, living this life had taught me that time and time again. Loving someone who was a part of this world was never easy, and it almost always left you worse than before. But this time was different. Jax hadn't just broken my heart, he had crushed every part of my soul. All the time I had spent thinking that once I had gotten retaliation for Nate, I could finally move on, I could finally try to be happy. Now I had to look down at the baby in my arms and know that I could never get revenge for him, for Nate, for myself. Part of me knew that it wasn't Jax's fault, he was just a pawn in a bigger plan, but that was the part of me that loved him, and I knew that it didn't change anything.

The brothers were there not long after. Ash pulled me into his chest. Being in the warmth of his arms didn't help the coldness that had spread through my body. Words weren't needed, we all felt the missing presence in the room. I still felt far away, like I wasn't here either. I sat by Stas until she was sleeping, Angel tucked safely in her arms. I took a quick picture of the two of them, smiling at the sight. Despite having gone through 8 hours of labour, Stas looked as beautiful as ever. Val stared down at them, pride and love in his eyes. My mind played tricks on me, making me imagine what it would be like to hold my own baby in my arms, to have him by my side. The sound of the door opening brought me back to reality.

Then he was in front of me. The man that was responsible for all my pain, the man who had taken not just one life that day, but who had ruined so many more. Despite that, my heart still skipped a fucking beat at the sight of him, finally in front of me and looking perfect as ever. He looked the same as always, but different somehow. He had dark circles under his eyes, his beard was longer and his hair had grown, now tucked into a bun at the nape of his neck. His eyes held a certain kind of sadness I didn't recognize until now. I thought back to all the times I was told to stay away from him, all the times Val told me that he would only break my heart. All the times I thought that I had no heart for him left to break and yet here I was, my hand clutching my chest because I could physically feel whatever was left of it shattering.

I watched him as he hugged Val, saying his congratulations as I walked out of the room, the sight of him throwing me into emotional turmoil. I cursed the tears in my eyes I clenched my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. I knew he would follow me out, but I didn't turn around.

"Scar-"

"You have a lot of fucking nerve coming here after what you did." My voice was like acid.

"I know I should've came to see you after your accident but I-" I turned around sharply not realizing he was right behind me. I tried not to let the heat of his body or the smell of his cologne blur my senses. I pushed him away roughly, his back hitting the wall and a look of surprise covering his face.

"That's not what I'm talking about Jax." He looked confused for a second before he registered the hatred in my eyes. He looked at the floor, shame covering his features. I didn't bother saying anything more, just pushed past him and out the doors of the hospital, ignoring him calling out after me. I drove as fast as I could to the apartment. Every part of me was telling me to either pack a bag and get the fuck out of there or chug down a bottle of Jack, but I wouldn't do that to Stas or Angel. I knew I had to be strong for them, no matter how much it hurt.

I settled for going to the balcony and lighting a cigarette, letting the burning in my lungs replace the burning of tears in my eyes. I hadn't felt this kind of pain since the last time I let a man get close to me, but this was so much worse. I had let my mind play tricks on me, force pictures of what we could have been and now all I was left with was the burning of betrayal flowing through every part of me. The worst part was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force myself to hate him. The logical part of me wanted to know why he did it, what kind of shit he had gotten himself into that he had to kill someone to get out of, but the part of me that had watched my brother die in front of my eyes was desperate for some kind of revenge. I thought about Stas, a single mother who's kid would never know his father because of what Jax did. I thought about what she would do if she knew that I was in love with the man who killed him, and that was enough to give me the strength for what I knew I needed to do.

From where I was I could see Jax pull into the building on his bike, his movements coated in pure desperation. I didn't realize what I was doing until I was in my room, reaching under my bed and pulling out my gun, aiming it at the door as he barged through it.