Shaded ✔️

CHAPTER 17

I made my way to our room, knocking lightly on the door. The lights were still off and Jax's pack of cigarettes was still on the small table in front of our room, so I assumed that he was still there. I sat at the table, lighting a cigarette and feeling the burn in my lungs. I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them. It was cold, but I barely felt it. My mind was racing. I went into the trunk of my car and grabbed the other mickey of Jack that I had in there. At least I was prepared.

I don't really remember what happened after that. It was mostly just a blur of crying, drinking and smoking all Jax's cigarettes. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I felt myself being shaken awake.

"Scarlett? What the fuck are you doing out here?" I just looked at him, shaking my head. He looked at me like I was a bomb about to explode. I felt disoriented, like my body was here but my mind was drifting. I couldn't even respond.

"Babe, you're freezing. Just come inside at least." I nodded, but made no move to get up. He looked at me warily before kneeling in front of me. He took my hands, rubbing them between his own to warm them. I barely felt it. I couldn't feel anything, I was completely numb. I didn't realize what he was doing until I was being pulled up and into the room. Jax gave me a light push towards the bed. I curled up into myself, staring at the wall. I heard Jax start the shower before he went outside. His voice was muffled, but I knew he was talking to Val. His face flashed in my mind, the look in his eyes when I told him I lied. My heart clenched, my eyes filling with tears. I blinked them away. I heard Jax come back in the room, but I didn't move. His face came into sight, kneeling in front of me at the edge of the bed. He brushed away the hair that had fallen into my face, his fingers brushing my cheek.

"The waters hot. You're freezing, you need to warm up." I nodded, getting up and going to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me before I stripped, getting into the shower. I sat on the floor of the shower, not even caring how gross it was. I felt like I had no energy to do anything. I felt the water warm my skin, feeling a little more sober. I don't know how long I sat there for before I saw Jax's hand reach in a turn off the water. I didn't realize that I was shivering. The water must have gone cold. I opened the door and he was waiting there, holding out a towel. His eyes didn't move from my face. I let him wrap the towel around me, leaning into the warmth of his body.

"The whole point was to get warm, not sit in freezing cold water. You're going to get sick." He rubbed his hands against my arms with the towel. I shrugged, not really caring. He just sighed.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Do you want me to get you anything?"

"No, I'm ok."

"Do you want to, like, talk or someth-"

"No."

"Ok."

"I think I'm going to sleep." He nodded. I tried not to look at him for too long. I wasn't used to him being caring, it was a strange feeling. He was looking at me like I was going to break down any second. I got changed, grabbing a random sweater from the bed and throwing it on over my underwear and crawling into bed. I didn't want to think about what had happened, so I slept.

When I woke up I felt a little better. Jax wasn't around, so I went outside for a cigarette and some fresh air. I tried to think about what happened, what I was going to do, but I just ended up crying again. I was so fucking pathetic. I should be angry. They lied to me for months and tried to make it seem like they did it for me and not themselves. Maybe they weren't going to tell me at all. I mean, it's not like they would be completely wrong. Who would want a twenty year old alcoholic with anger issues around their kid? What hurt more was that they didn't think I could change. For that kid I would have done anything. But I pushed them away. I doubted Val would talk to me ever again after I told him the truth about that night. Anastasia would probably run back to wherever she came from and disappear again. I was alone all over again, and I couldn't really blame anyone but myself.