For Ever

sixteen

I sat on the floor next to the tub, watching Everly play in the bath water.
It's 5:30pm and I'm not even dressed.
I don't even think I'm ready to see her. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see her the same way again and I hate it.
Every time I think about her, my chest tightens up, and it brings back the images of her with another woman's hand in her pants.
I don't want to concentrate on that, but it's all I can think about.
I didn't tell Anna about me going out with Olivia yet, but I don't know if I want to.
I stood up and quickly applied light makeup.
Everly was playing with her mermaid dolls, blocks, letters, and animals in the water, so I stood and walked to the closet.
I have no idea what to wear tonight.
The clock read 5:49pm and panic began to set in.
I don't know what to wear.
It's not like I could ask Anna what to wear, because then I'd have to explain where I'm going and I don't want to tell her yet.
I pulled a pair of ripped jeans out and put them on. I looked through my shirts and couldn't decide on one.
"Mama." Everly said.
"Yes, baby?" I looked at her.
"Wear black-white shirt." She smiled.
I narrowed my eyes at her and smirked.
I took my striped shirt off the hanger and held it up, asking her "This one?"
"Yes!" She splashed a little water.
I shook my head, smiling at her, then changed my shirt.
I touched up the curls in my hair and I checked my phone again.
6:07pm.
Is she not coming?
I got Everly out of the bath and dried her off, despite her screaming crying because she didn't want to get out.
My phone started ringing as I was fighting to put on Everly's footed pajamas. I looked back at it and read Olivia Baker.
My heart raced.
I didn't finish dressing Everly, but I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I greeted.
"Hey, sorry I'm late— is everything okay?" She responded.
"Yeah, Ev just wasn't ready to get out of the bath. I'll be down in a little bit." I told her.
"O-okay." She stuttered.
I set the phone down without hanging up, hoping Olivia would, as Everly began to scream again.
"Ev baby, please." I begged her.
"I want bath!" She cried.
"Hey, everything alright?" Anna appeared.
"She's fine. She just doesn't want to get out of the tub, but I have to get going." I answered her frustrated.
"Does it have to do with a certain someone?" She asked.
"What? Who?" I answered confused, but I knew exactly who she was talking about.
"I'm watching you, Henry. You go ahead and go, I got Evie." Anna put her hand on my back.
"You sure?" I felt defeated by this tiny girl.
"I'm sure. Just don't let her play you. Make sure it's a good thing." Anna nodded.
She hugged me tight and whispered "I don't want to see you get taken advantage of ever again."
I wrapped my arms tightly around her and pressed myself into her.
How does she know me so well?
"You can throw her back in if that will help her calm back down." I told her.
"I will." She nodded and lifted my screaming child.
I hate leaving her like this.
"No, mommy!" She cried and grabbed my shirt.
"Hey hey hey." I calmly spoke as I took her in my arms.
"No leave." She sniffled.
"You don't want Anna to watch you play in the bath?" I asked.
"No." She declined sternly.
"Okay. Let's put these jammies on and I will let you see someone." I bribed her.
I didn't want to let Olivia hang out with her as a type of punishment for what I saw, but I know Everly would love to see her. Everly is completely clueless to what happened and has been really moody since I've stopped seeing Olivia.
"Who?" She smiled.
I set her on my bed and pulled her pajamas up, zipped them to the top and buttoned them.
Then I grabbed my phone.
I clicked Olivia's name and she almost immediately answered.
"You okay?" She spoke.
"We're all good. I was going to ask if you would come up and see Everly for a little bit." I offered.
"Really?" She sounded shocked.
"Please?" I said.
"Yes, of course. I'll be right up." She spoke quickly.
She wasn't joking when she said she'd be right up.
It took all of a minute for her to knock at the door.
I gasped and smiled at Everly and she took off running to the door.
"Hold on, hold on." I called after her, following her.
I unlocked the door and opened it to Olivia.
"Via!" Everly exclaimed and threw herself up into Olivia's arms.
"Hey, Everly." Olivia smiled, holding Everly's small body up.
Olivia stepped inside, allowing me to close the door behind her.
"You stay?" Everly asked Olivia.
"No, not tonight. I'm just taking your mama out for dinner." Olivia responded.
"No fair." Everly crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"I'm sorry, Ev." Olivia stuck her bottom lip out.
"When you come back, come here." Everly directed Olivia.
"Yes ma'am." Olivia smiled at her.
"Should we get going?" She smiled up at me.
Heart pounded in my chest. She's absolutely beautiful.
Her dark hair and the burnt orange shirt she wore made her skin look perfectly tan.
I nodded slightly.
I kissed Everly goodbye and she let me go with Olivia.
I closed the door behind us and heard someone lock it from the inside, making me feel safer about leaving Everly at home.
I followed Olivia quietly to her car.
We got in and buckled up.
"What are you in the mood for?" She spoke softly.
I shrugged and asked "What do you want?"
"I'm up for anything." She told me.
"I'm not really hungry." I admitted.
I'm far too nervous to eat right now.
"Honestly, me neither. I'm nervous about— I don't want to mess up again." She didn't look at me as she spoke.
"I'm nervous too." I tried to make her feel better.
"So— what do we do?" She asked.
"I'm not sure." I answered honestly.
"Want to grab ice cream and walk?" She suggested.
"Okay." I agreed.
She backed her car out of the spot and drove away from my apartment.
"Can I apologize to you?" She asked.
I nodded and looked worriedly at her.
"I don't know why I did what I did, but I know I messed up big time. I know in my heart that no one will ever compete with you. You are the best person I know and the best thing that could've happened to me." She was speaking quickly, glancing between me and the road.
"I— I don't know what to say." I shook my head.
"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that I will do everything in my power to show you that I will never do something like that again. You don't have to forget what I do, but I do hope that you can forgive me in time. I wanted to share so much with you and Everly. I was going to bring y'all to church with me and then invite you to my family's thanksgiving. I'm not telling you this to feel bad about being upset, because you have every right. I just want to be sure that you know that you were never a time being thing. I saw you and me going far, having more beautiful children, which I never even thought I'd want to have any. I saw us growing old together. You are my one." She spoke at the speed of light due to her nervousness.
"I do forgive you. I just don't know how ready I am to jump back to where we were. We were going so good. So good." I sighed disappointedly.
"I know and I think that's what I hate the most. You showed me your most vulnerable sides and I completely betrayed that." She admitted to me.
I nodded and looked down at my hands in my lap.
She pulled up to the ice cream shot and looked at me.
My eyes filled with tears.
I hate feeling this way. I want so badly to just jump back into her arms and have her spend the night again, but I can't, because all I see is her and that woman.
"I'm so sorry." She whispered.
"Was it your ex?" I asked.
She took a deep breath then nodded.
It was her ex, the one that made her cry in that very office. The one that she said she needed to stop falling for her games.
"So, what happens if she comes back again? How do I trust that you won't have sex with her again?" I cried to her.
She reached forward and touched my face, trying to wipe the tears from my cheek, but I pushed her hand away.
"Beth, I promise with everything I have. I swear on my parents lives that this will never happen. I don't know where my head was at then, but I know that I can never do that to you again." She assured me.
"I've heard that before." I looked up at her.
Her eyes were now filled with tears too.
"I wouldn't have ever broken the school's code if I didn't think you were someone special. I will spend the rest of my life proving this to you. I hate so much that I did it, because I know you said you had been cheated on before with Ev's dad and I did nothing less than that." She hung her head.
More tears fell down my face and I quickly wiped them away. She brought up Everly's dad, which struck a different nerve than what she did. He cheated on me left and right and I was the one to blame for it. He made me feel guilty about him cheating. Is she actually different? She owned up to the event and admitted she was in the wrong. Maybe she actually does mean it?
I'm definitely not going to go meet her family for Thanksgiving, but I will see her again. I want to trust her. I so badly do, but I need to feel that I actually do and I'm not forcing myself.
"Can we just go walk? I don't feel like eating ice cream anymore." I requested.
"Of course. Whatever you want." She nodded and unbuckled her seatbelt.
I followed and exited the car.
She walked by my side in the direction of the corner of the street, where we could cross to the park.
"I don't want this to be a whatever I want thing. I want it to be honest and fair." I told her as we waited for the signal to show us that we could cross.
"Okay, that sounds really nice." She agreed.
We walked across and found our way to a bench.
"I think this was a really good thing for us." I told her as I crossed my left leg over my right and setting my hands in my lap.
"I am so glad you said yes." She smiled.
"I think it was good for us to talk about everything, well not everything, but—" I looked down.
"You are so beautiful." She spoke softly.
I looked up and scrunched my eyebrows.
She cupped my cheek with her hand, this time I didn't push her away.
I want her so bad, but I have to set boundaries with her again. I can't let her in too easily this time.
She leaned forward to kiss me, but I pulled back.
"I'm sorry." She retracted her hand from my face and situated herself in her spot on the bench.
I tucked hair behind my ear nervously.
"I told you I wasn't ready." I whispered.
"I— I just misread the situation." She shook her head.
"I can't just drop it and go back to how it was before. You really hurt me and I need time to get past it." I was stern with my words.
"I'm sorry. Yes, I respect that. Whenever we agree it is a good time. Slowly." She told me, but I think she was mainly telling herself.
I nodded at her and looked away again.
How different would this very moment be if she would've never let her ex come see her? How different would it be if I just didn't catch them?
I miss her kisses and her gentle touch, but no matter how much the lack of them is killing me, I know I couldn't handle feeling them just yet.