For Ever

thirty

Everly went down for a nap shortly after lunch. Olivia and I cuddled on the couch watching Criminal Minds. Her fingers played in mine.
"We need to talk." I said.
"About what?" Her fingers stopped moving.
"This semester." I grew nervous.
I've received offers from some really great programs for my internship. I want to accept the offer either from M.D. Anderson or Texas Children's. They will skyrocket my experience and abilities. Not only that, if they offered this to me as an internship, I'd imagine I will have a better chance to get a job there after. The only issue with these offers is that their in Houston, not Waco. I'd hate to be away from Olivia for majority of the semester, but there are always weekends and school holidays that either she or I could drive to the other. I just think it's an amazing opportunity for me to ensure Everly's future.
"What about it?" She asked warily.
"It's my internship." I smiled.
"I know. I've written recommendation letters for you. Where did you get accepted? Obviously, Baylor. We'd be lucky to have someone as smart as you working for our cancer research department." Olivia told me.
"Well, yeah. I did get an offer from Baylor, but I got a few others also." The knot in my chest doubled in size.
"I expected nothing less. Who'd you hear from?" She asked supportively, nudging my leg to keep me talking.
"Well, Houston Methodist, Baylor we know that, A and M, LSU, M.D. Anderson, and Texas Children's." I spoke quickly nearing the end of my list.
"Oh." She said simply.
"What?" I asked nervously. My palms were sweating, I felt my legs shaking.
"They're all so far." She nodded.
I only nodded.
"With that insane competition, I doubt you'll be taking Baylor." She took her hand from my lap.
I wanted to cry right then. I didn't want this to be an issue. It's just four months.
"It's not that far, Liv. We can drive weekends and holidays." I put my hand over hers.
Olivia shook her head.
"What? Why are you doing that?" The fear evident in my voice.
"Beth, we can't— I can't. I can't do distance." Olivia spoke quietly.
"We can. We can try. I've never been great at it, but you're worth trying for." I pushed.
"I can't do distance, Beth. There's too much fear. It's not you, I want you to be happy and do what you need to do, but— but if that involves you moving to Houston, then I don't think I can be—" She shook her head.
"You don't think you can be what?" I asked. The tears stung my eyes.
"With you." She blurted before I spiraled.
The world stopped spinning in that moment. I was frozen. The tears trailed down my cheeks.
"Why?" My voice cracked.
"Beth, please." She tried to find my eyes, but I wouldn't look up at her.
I shook my head.
"I've had really bad experiences with distance. I don't care about how often we'd see each other, I'd only be worried about the time between." Olivia spoke.
"You'd be worried about what?" I raised my voice a little.
"You know— worried that— someone else would catch your eye." Olivia lowered her voice to almost a whisper.
"You'd be worried?" I exclaimed.
"What does that mean?" She got defensive.
"It means exactly what you think. We were here, I was here, and your eyes still wandered. Now I forgave you for that, so it's not fair for you to be using a hypothetical to justify this. I have done nothing to make you question my loyalty. I thought at the very least I'd be worth enough to at least try." I shot.
"So we're back to this?" She scoffed.
"You brought it up. I've never cheated on anyone and I wasn't planning on starting anytime soon. You are here pointing fingers at me with the thought that I'd get bored there and find someone to fill the space. It's fucked!" I stood as I spoke.
"No, what's fucked is bringing that up again. We were past that, Beth." She told me.
"No, because you're projecting your actions on to me! I love you, Liv. How did this turn into a fight? I thought you'd be happy for me." I shook my head.
She stood to match me, then grabbed my hands in hers.
"I love you and I am happy for you. I just can't do long distance, I'm sorry." She teared up.
I took my hands from her hold, shaking my head.
"I need you to go." I told her.
"Why?" She asked.
"Because, you don't want to be with me. I get it. You can go." I told her.
"I do want to be with you, Beth. I just can't—" She started to defend herself.
"Do long distance, I heard you the first time." I interrupted her.
"Please, understand." She begged, letting her tears fall.
"I can't understand. If you love me the way you say you do, then this wouldn't be happening right now. You wouldn't be voluntarily breaking up with me and better yet leaving Everly again." I told her.
"I love that kid. Do not take this as anything to do with her. Once you finish this internship and want to move back here, I'll be here. But for the mean time, I can't." She told me.
"Please go." I shook my head.
"Can I at least tell y'all bye?" She asked.
"No, you gave up that courtesy when you broke up with me." I denied her request.
"It's not a break up, it's just a see you later. I love you. This isn't going to change that. I will be here if you come back home." She tried a different approach.
"You don't get to tell her goodbye. You're walking back out of her life. I don't have that choice, but I sure as hell have the authority to decide who can and can't see her." I told her.
"Don't do this to her, please. Don't do this to me." She pleaded.
"Me? I'm not doing anything! You're the one who's— please, just leave." I held my hands up in defeat.
"I love you." She whispered.
"Go." I refused to repeat it to her.
Long distance has never been a great experience for me either, but I would surely fight for this with everything in my being. I wouldn't give it up without so much as a shot at it.
I walked to the door and held it open for her, staring at the ground.
"Beth, no, please." She said.
I shook my head, keeping my head down.
I heard her sigh, then heard her gathering her belongings.
"You know, I really saw it with you. Forever. It was supposed to be you and me and the stupid white dresses and the stupid cake tasting, oh, and let's not forget the thousand stupid daisies. It was you, Olivia. It was supposed to be you." I didn't look at her as I spoke.
She held my shoulder and gently kissed me on my cheek.
"Take care of yourself, Beth. I'll see you around." She spoke softly.
I let tears fall down my cheeks as she walked away.
I closed the door and let myself cry.
She really just walked out. She really didn't think I was worth the effort of trying long distance. We have never done it and I have given her zero reason to question my honesty and loyalty to her.
I can't believe this is how it ended. I always assumed it would be me messing it all up, but it wasn't. I don't know if I could ever just come back to her after this fight. We've rarely fought and never like this.
Why did this happen?
I love her.