Devotion and Desire

Chapter Fifteen

*It seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. One day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.*
-Gillian Anderson

Callie's P.O.V.

I wish it had been me.

I have only myself to blame. You loved me - but I told myself that it could never be - and even though I loved you too - I forced myself to move on. You loved me - maybe you still do. Selfishly, I hope that you do. And although I love you back, I couldn't tell you. For all the reasons that I've gone over so many times already. Even though they are all legitimate - I still turn them over and over in my mind - trying desperately to talk myself out of my decision to never tell you how I really feel. I tried constantly to make excuses. To convince myself it would never matter, or make a difference if I were to confess my feelings to you. I tried desperately to convince myself that even if I had let you know that I loved you back - the way you loved me - things wouldn't have worked out between us, for one reason or another. I told myself that you were better off without me. And even though it killed me, I knew it was the truth.

Which is why, at the time, when I introduced you to the people I worked with, and saw how you and one of my coworkers - Alaina - immediately hit it off - it's not like I was terribly jealous or anything. In fact, I was happy for you. I know you've been single for a while - and I didn't want you to be alone... didn't want you to be lonely.

I was having too much fun with all my friends at the party - who I never got to see outside of work - to really focus on you, anyway. You looked like you were having fun, though. I glanced at you a few times throughout the night. We checked in with each other a couple of times. I saw the two of you talking - close to each other. I even snuck a few glances at you, while you slow danced. And, at the time, I didn't have any thoughts beyond 'good for you!'

Then you and Alaina left the bar - together. I stayed - dancing with my coworkers and friends. And even though I was with Brian... that's when the first twinges of jealousy hit. At first, I didn't even understand what I was feeling, or why. I mean, surely I didn't love you beyond a friendship level. Plus, I had just became Brian's girlfriend - we were finally official. It was fresh and exciting - we were madly in love with each other. And yet... as I took shot after shot, I couldn't help but wonder in the back of my head what the two of you were up to. 

It was really so out of character for you to bring a girl home, right after meeting her. It makes me think of you in a different light. And the thoughts are... exciting. It intrigues me to see this side of you. Did you invite her to your place? Did you kiss her in the taxi the two of you shared on the way home? Did you invite her upstairs? Of course you did...

Elora said I seemed distracted, so I told her about seeing you dancing with my Alaina. I told her that you'd left together. Was I jealous? She asked. I brushed off the question - like it was ridiculous. No, I said. We're best friends, I explained. I don't think of him that way. But ...in the back of my mind, I had to wonder. You looked so gorgeous tonight, and now that I thought back on it, I did wish you'd danced with me more than just that once. Held me the way you held her.

What if you had? What if you'd tried to kiss me? I was dating your best friend... But what if we had been out of sight from the rest of the party? What if it had happened? I have to say, looking back, the idea was...enticing.

After several more shots, I've excused myself from my friends and stumbled home with Brian and Lori in tow. Luckily for me the bar was only a few blocks from my house. I arrived home and stripped down - electing to just get in bed, rather than join Brian in the shower, like he requested.