Devotion and Desire

Chapter Eleven

*It's kind of easy when you've got nothing, 'cause nothing can't be taken away from you. But I don't want nothing anymore.*
-Chris Miles, Skins

Callie's P.O.V.

I ran away from a guy I loved, for telling me that he loved me. Then to comfort myself after self-sabotaging and breaking my own heart, I tried to fuck my best friend - after telling him that I loved him. Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on me. I had no idea what I wanted, and it was safe to say, I'd officially gone off the deep end.

I had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me, but I was eternally grateful that Sal was such a gentleman. He gently declined my horribly desperate advances - and even though I really did love him, and I had been insanely horny - he was right about everything he said. I was hurting, and truthfully, I had been on the rebound. I didn't want to sleep with him under those circumstances, especially not knowing what it would mean to him; he deserved better than that - better than me. He deserved to sleep with someone who wasn't thinking about his best friend the entire time. Someone who wasn't trying to fuck him in order to distract themselves from reality for a little while. The last thing I ever wanted to do, was use or hurt Sal. Not to mention, sleeping with him wouldn't solve any of my problems, it would only give me more and complicate my existing ones even further. 

I had to come to terms with reality and truly face what was going on. Brian was sleeping with other women again, and that hurt me. But I had to face facts; he had moved on - already. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't exactly think that it would happen this quickly. Even so, being reckless wasn't the answer. And as badly as I wanted to, I couldn't just curl up and die. That wasn't an option. I had no choice but to pick myself up and move on, as best I could. I had no doubt this would hurt like fucking hell - for a long time, most likely, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that all pain is temporary, and this pain, like any other, would fade with time. I had already survived way more than most people my age, and I had no doubt I would survive this too, no matter how difficult it got. I just had to forget about Brian. Soon enough, I'd be back to my old self, and he would just be a distant memory.

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I called Elora over, needing someone to dump all of this shit on. Thankfully, she was home, and agreed to come over right away. A few minutes later, I heard her making her way up the stairs. She let herself in and took a seat on my bed, waiting for me to begin. 

"I just can't understand why I do the things I do!" I exclaimed, exasperated. "I mean, Brian told me that he loved me, and I dumped him. Then I ran right to Sal and told him that I loved him instead! I just don't under-"

"Control." She replied simply, cutting me off.

"Huh?" I asked.

"It's all about control. You're a control freak - and that's what all of this is." She explained patiently. "The second Brian went off script, you freaked. The second he deviated from your well-thought-out plan, you couldn't help but run away. You didn't want Brian to be in love with you, because that's a scary thing to you. You just wanted to use each other for pleasure, but that's the chance you take - because you can't control other people's emotions; you couldn't control Brian and it scared you that he didn't share all the same feelings. He wanted more."

"Okay... you might be on to something there." I admitted reluctantly. "But then why am I okay loving Sal and not Brian?" I demanded.

"Because Sal's a much different person than Brian. You know Sal's always there for you, because above all, he's your best friend. It's a totally different love. He's sweet and safe. He's not dangerous or wild like Brian. You aren't afraid of him walking out. You're not afraid that Sal could ruin your life."