Devotion and Desire

Chapter Twenty

*I've loved you from the first time I saw you. I was so scared of the way I felt, that I became a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work. When we got together it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault, but really I was just terrified of pain, and I'm a total fucking coward. But I couldn't stand it... It's horrible. It's so horrible because, really, I would die for you. I love you. I love you so much it's killing me.*
-Naomi, Skins

Callie's P.O.V.

After dinner, I had Lori drop me off at Brian's. I let myself in and headed to his bedroom. Brian was laying in bed, obviously fresh out of the shower - shirtless with wet hair. He was propped against the headboard, reading something on his phone. The room was dark besides his bedside lamp. I moved into the light and he instantly looked up, noticing the movement out of his peripherals.

"Hey you," Brian said, surprised. He quickly put his phone down and beckoned me over. "Come 'ere." He coaxed. I walked over slowly, edging down onto the side of his bed. "I wasn't expecting you. Thought you were busy with Lori tonight!" He reached for me, pulling me into his arms. "This is a nice surprise," he said, kissing me.

"Brian, I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" He mumbled, unconcerned as he ran a hand down my hair.

"I slept with someone," I said softly. He instantly pulled back and studied my face with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry, Brian. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I got scared... I was afraid and I didn't know how to handle it. This is why I didn't want to do this. This is why I tried pushing you away! I knew I would hurt you and now everything is fucked. I know you hate me, and I don't blame you, I-"

"Hey, whoa." He said, cutting me off. "Listen... I'm not going to lie - that fucking hurts. Badly. But I've done it. Not with you, obviously. Because I'm trying to be better, and for the first time in a long time, I actually think that I am... but it took me a long fucking time to get to this place. It took me the better part of a decade to stop running and fucking up my relationships 'cause I was too afraid to have something real. I don't hate you, Cal. I knew that being with you came with a lot of issues that you were trying to work through. So... as long as you love me... I'm not going to give up on you for making a mistake. I'm here, and I'm-"

I couldn't believe he was forgiving me - just like that. I thought for sure he would be pissed, and honestly, I was so pissed at myself that I wanted him to be angry - because I felt that was what I deserved. I wanted him to yell at me. Call me a whore. Tell me he hated me. Break something. Slam a fucking door - do something besides tell me it was okay. 

"It was Sal. I slept with Sal!" I exclaimed.

His face dropped, and he instantly recoiled. "You fucked my best friend?" He asked softly.

"I have been... for a while." I admitted quietly.

"What?" He asked - his voice taking on a dangerous tone. 

As much as I thought I wanted him to be angry, it turned out I had never seen Brian truly angry before - and I didn't like it. I got up off the bed, with the intention of just leaving. I had lost my nerve and I didn't want to do this anymore. I made it to the door and got it open - but before I could leave, Brian came up behind me and pushed it shut again. He grabbed me roughly and spun me around, backing me up against the door.

"How long is a while?" He demanded.

"I... I don't know. I'm not-"

"How long?" He yelled, cutting me off.