Devotion and Desire

Chapter Eighteen

*So if you're gonna break my heart, just break it, and if you're gonna take your shot, then take it. Take it. If you made up your mind, then make it - but make this fast. If you ever loved me, have mercy. If you go out tonight and get drunk and lonely - wind up home alone - please don't call me and say you miss me.*
- Brett Young, Mercy

Callie's P.O.V.

One month later

Later that day, after coming home from Sal's and making up with Brian - I went back over to Sal's with every single intention of telling him that I had made a huge mistake, and I could never do that again. I was even planning on telling him that I needed to take a break from hanging out with him, for the time being, so I could focus on my relationship with Brian. That was what I was intending on. It's what I should have done. But that isn't what ended up happening. 

So here I was, a month later, and so far into this affair that I couldn't even see any way out.

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Tonight I was at work, pulling a double. It was safe to say, there was absolutely no way I could concentrate on my job whatsoever. I was too busy hating myself. And as soon as Alaina clocked in, I felt even worse. She was such a good person, and ever since she started dating Sal, she had made every effort to be a great friend to me.

I hurried out of the break room and back out to my table - even though I had just checked on them - to avoid her. I didn't even want her to wave to me, or I was liable to lose it. I couldn't believe the horrible mess I'd gotten myself into. I had cheated on my boyfriend, who loved me. With his best friend. Who also loved me. Whose girlfriend was my friend and coworker. My head was such a mess right now. My whole life was such a mess right now. And I had absolutely no one to blame but myself.

All day, I was going back and forth between every option. Really, I had been all month. Break things off with Sal and confess to Brian and risk our relationship, and his friendship with Sal. Break things off with Sal and say nothing to Brian - what he doesn't know won't hurt him. But I was worried that if I didn't confess, Sal would end up cracking under the guilt and tell Brian and Alaina himself. Then Brian would hate me, even more so because I kept it from him. Alaina would hate me too, and not only would my personal life be wrecked, but so would my work life.

I was in deep shit. But after a particularly hellish shift, I found myself once again headed to Sal's. 

Hey, just got out of work. Heading over now, ok?

Ok. I'm getting in the shower now, but I'll leave the door unlocked. Just come in.

Alright. See you soon. 

Next, I texted Brian - my stomach cramping in guilt as I did so. I used to think, that as time went on, the guilt would slowly start to lessen. And maybe it did for some people. But for me, it never did.

Hey, just got out of work. Lori picked me up, we're going to the movies and maybe dinner. 

😢😢😢 Ok, well I'm at your house, making dinner for the kids. I'll see you later? Miss you.

Yes you will. And I miss you too.

Love you, babe.

I love you too, Brian.

I put my phone down, resting my head against the cool glass window of the bus. It was quiet tonight - hardly any other passengers. Of course, the one day I could use a distraction, there was none to be found.