Devotion and Desire

Chapter Twelve

*Do you ever get the feeling that to know you more is to love you less?*
-Hollyhock, Bojack Horseman

Callie's P.O.V.

One month later

Ever since the day I showed up at his house that night, Brian and I had slowly been trying to get back into the hang of things again. It was taking some time, but we were getting there, slowly and patiently. But right away, Brian was trying to pick back up where we had left off. He was acting so normal; as if we hadn't gotten into a huge fight. Like we hadn't separated. Basically, as if the past six months had never even happened. Which sounds great, but was it? Could we really just rush right back into things, and expect this to work? Or would that wreck us? 

I was worried the way Brian chose to approach our situation, wasn't the best decision. Initially, I had thought that was what I wanted - to jump right back in. To see Brian and have it feel as if nothing had changed - like nothing was different. But it had, and it was. So now I wasn't so sure. If this was the right thing. If it would work. If we would work, without talking this over - without stopping to think about things. We never talked about how we would make sure things were different this time. We never talked about our feelings, our worries, what we even wanted. About anything, really. Brian just shut down every time I tried to have a serious discussion about us. I never imagined this would be so confusing, getting back with Brian, but it sure felt that way. I wanted it to just be great again; I wanted it to be simple - but that's not how things worked, and I didn't see a different outcome for this time, if we kept doings things the exact same way as before.

I wanted him back in my life; I knew that for certain - I just thought it might be a good idea for us to take it slow, for the time being. I was trying to convince him to just get back to basics, and resume our strictly friends with benefits relationship. That's when things were simple and great between us. Before I got scared. Before things were complicated. I didn't want to get panicked and scared, and run away again. And I knew he didn't want that either. But since he was acting as if nothing ever happened, I never got a chance to really sit down and talk to him about the way I was feeling. I never got the chance to tell him how afraid I was. How worried I was. I got the feeling he didn't want to back up and take things from the beginning. It didn't feel to me, as if that was what he wanted. He was acting as if he wanted to move full-speed ahead into this thing. 

---------------------------------------

It was late Saturday night, and Brian was laying in bed next to me. We had just finished having sex for the third time that night - one part about us, that I had missed desperately. 

"It's getting late, Bri. I think I need to get some sleep." I said, yawning.

"Yeah, I agree. That definitely tired me out." He replied, looking over to me with a small grin.

"No, I mean..." I tried again, trailing off, hoping he would get the hint. I didn't want to say it - I didn't want to be the bad guy.

"Oh." He said evenly, recognition in his voice. "I get it." He threw back the covers, getting out of bed angrily.

"Oh don't do that." I scolded.

"No - you don't do that." He countered. "I'm tired. I'm so sick and tired of the mind games!" He exclaimed dejectedly, shaking his head. "Fucker!" He cried, hopping on one foot as he pulled on his jeans. He bent over, searching for the rest of his clothing. "Where are my fucking..." He began, pulling on his t-shirt. "Fuck - shoes?" He demanded, quickly glancing under the bed. "Arg fucking keep them!" He yelled, exasperated. And with that he turned around and stormed out, bare-foot, slamming the door behind him.