Desired

3. Amazingly Overwhelmed-day

Crouched on the ground, I inspect the small green plant growing in-between the thick layer of black sludge.

I really hope the chemicals they used to kill all the trees around here aren't still toxic.

I've been staring at the green plant for awhile. I still can't identify it from the book in my hand and it's not for a lack of trying. I'm unable to focus. The events of last night keep replaying in my head, turning my insides into a wonderful scary mess.

'Last night gave me a much-needed reminder of how brilliant books can be,' Zach says, bending down next to me.

His breath tickles my ear but he doesn't make contact. He's waiting for an indication from me, a sign I'm ready for him to make a move. I've never admitted to Zach all the touching and contact occasionally overwhelms me and I need a break; a few seconds where my personal space zone contains only me. Although, it turns out I don't need to say anything. Zach senses when I've retreated into my solo bubble and on these occasions, he will wait for me to make the first move.

I both love and hate that he waits.

'Really? What were you reading?' I say, unable to hide the small smile forming as I angle and tilt my face towards his, allowing his lips to brush against my cheek.

'A fascinating plant identification book.' Zach smirks as he sits next to me.

Last night, I eventually admitted I had kept the book. I admitted it had a fake cover. He didn't laugh, instead, he asked if he could read it. This resulted in us reading it together which led to even more touching, more other stuff.

'Sounds stimulating,' I say, before quickly pressing my lips together and staring at the plant by my feet. My cheeks heat as I shuffle with discomfort. It's strange, because last night in the dim light of the lamp I hadn't felt embarrassed. I'd felt confident and in control.

'It was. I look forward to exploring another chapter tonight,' Zach says.

I continue to stare at the plant. Why am I so embarrassed? My insides churn with a mess of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. However, the one which keeps surfacing is happiness. I'm happy with what we did.

'Kit?' Zach voice is low and I don't respond at first. He tilts my face towards him. 'Are you ok? If last night wasn't...' He hesitates, unsure what to say. The anxious and vulnerable Zach is back.

'Last night was really nice.'

'Nice?' The corner of Zach's mouth tilts up. 'Not exactly what I was aiming for.'

'It was more than nice. It was amazing and fun... and intense.' I grin. 'And I'd like to keep doing other stuff.'

'Me too, but we should stop calling it other stuff.' Zach's arm wraps around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.

'Why?'

'Sounds weird.'

'No, it doesn't.'

'You would say that. You used to talk about touching your brother and parents. I think secretly you like sounding perverted.' Zach laughs.

I stiffen at the mention of my family and his grip tightens around me.

'Sorry,' Zach says

'You've got nothing to be sorry for,' I whisper.

Zach lets go of me. I miss the contact. The empty space around me feels cold and lonely. He runs his hand through his hair. 'If I'd left you alone in the first place, you'd be safe with your family.'

'If I'd never met you, I would have been miserable. And I am safe, you're the one we should be worried about.'

I don't want to start this again. We're both trapped in our own cycle of blame and guilt for how things ended.

Mine flares up when Zach's ill, and I'm worried if this time he might not survive. When he's throwing up and can't keep anything down, I wish I'd never made the playlist Escape and he'd never rescued me from the Techie settlement. If I could guarantee Zach's safety, if I could stop him from hearing his mum saying she didn't want him, I would give up my freedom.

Straddling Zach's lap, I grip his face and make him look at me. 'You're a handsome arrogant amazingly clever talented artistic jerk. I wouldn't give up meeting you for anything. Don't ever forget that.'

Zach gives me a weak smile before burying his face into my chest. His voice is muffled as he says, 'you're changing. You constantly step out your comfort zone, you take risks. Every day, you surprise me. I envy how you adjust, no matter what life throws at you.'

My breath hitches in my throat. I don't understand why anyone would envy me let alone why Zach would. 'Zach, you make me laugh when I'm on the verge of crying. Your calm confidence is the only reason I haven't curled into a ball and given up. I'm changing because of you. You make me want to become the person I aspire to be, rather than simply act and behave the way I was told to.'

Zach kisses me hard as his hands grab my waist. I sense his desperation, the desire to feel wanted and needed. His fingers search my body, dipping under the hem of my t-shirt running along my skin, leaving a fresh trail of heat.

'Kit, I don't want to lose you,' he mumbles in between urgent rough kisses.

'You won't. I'm yours,' I whisper clinging onto him.

The only problem is, I can't stop worrying about how much longer we'll be able to last. How much time do we have until our future is no longer our choice and is taken out of our hands?