Desired

20. Heartbroken

The duties I was allocated did nothing to distract me from the ache inside. The additional duties I volunteered for, did even less. No matter how busy I keep, no matter how many hours of laborious chores I complete I can't stop my brain from thinking.

My mind is determined to repeat every conversation and interaction I've had with Zach. I still fail to spot any signs that our relationship was a lie until I go through it all again, dissect it all again; then I see so many warning signs I can't believe how gullible I was.

I gave Zach my heart and he broke it into a million pieces.

Being heartbroken is new to me; I don't know what the normal way of behaving is. I've decided, it's normal to avoid any area I might come into contact with Zach whilst also desperately wanting to confront him and get him to explain what was wrong with me. It's normal to want Zach to feel the amount of pain I'm feeling whilst also wanting him to appear and tell me he made a mistake. It's completely normal to want to cry at everything because everything reminds me of Zach.

Ripping out another weed, I chuck it into a bucket and I wipe away several tears yet I can't wipe away the ache of missing home, of wanting to talk to Mattan, of wanting a hug from my parents, of wanting my old life back where I was bored and numb but safe and not hurting.

I sense someone approaching me, and my hope that it's Zach takes me by surprise. I look up at Cas who stands in front of me and my heart sinks.

Is it normal to wish everyone who approaches me was Zach? I guess it's my normal.

I rip another weed out the ground and throw it into the bucket. I hate weeds. I hate fieldwork. I hate life. I hate Zach.

I need to stop lying to myself.

'Ethel doesn't want you this far away from the building without an escort.' Cas crosses her arms. 'And I'm not volunteering to be your escort while you take your anger out on a bunch of weeds. Come inside.'

Looking around, I realise the sun is setting in the distance and I'm near the fence. Too near the fence. How long have I been out here? Why have I not noticed how far from the house I am? My head is a mess. 

I pick up the bucket and stand. My entire body hurts; I can't work out if it's due to today's exertion, Zach destroying everything I believed in or the after-effects of the attack. Probably all three. I trudge back towards the building and Cas walks beside me.

'Just so you're aware, you and Zach have really messed up the dynamics of our friendship group,' Cas says.

'What?' I snap.

'You haven't eaten with us once today in the dining room, and Zach eats then leaves without saying a word. Our group fills empty without you both joining in.' Cas shrugs.

'Less than a week ago you didn't know we existed. I'm sure you'll get used to it pretty quickly,' I retort, kicking the soil beneath my feet.

'I'm guessing by that response the rumour is true; you and Zach split.'

'Yes.' I choke back the tears. 

'Wow, that's depressing. You and Zach seemed...really into each other.' Cas frowns.

'Turns out we weren't.' Or rather he wasn't.

We walk towards the building in silence. I toss the weeds into a large container at the edge of the field, place the bucket on the ground and walk to the door.

'Ethel wants to see you in her office,' Cas says.

'Ok.' Removing my muddy shoes, I discard them in the entrance while ignoring Cas who is staring at me. Does Cas blame me for Faith's death? She should.