Desired

39. Confronting Fears

Wrapped in a towel, I wipe the steam off the mirror. I avoid looking at my face as I focus on my neck. My fingers gently trace the tender dark blue bruises left from Klein's hands.

I clench the sink and lean over it, inhaling deeply in an attempt to steady my erratic breathing.

He's dead. He can't do me any harm.

Klein didn't succeed, but my mind keeps wandering into what-ifs. Images of what could have happened enter my head leaving me nauseous. I tighten the towel around myself.

I don't want to go outside. I don't want to face Zach or Doll because I'm still waiting for someone to turn up and take me. I'm waiting for Louisa/Lola/ Evil Incarnate to lead me away, for Jerico to come in and tell me he agrees with her research.

There's no way my ending will be happy.

'Sweetheart, are you ok in there?' Doll asks through the door.

'Yes,' I choke out.

'Are you planning on coming out anytime soon?'

I don't respond. I look up and stare at myself. I don't see a person with any fight left. I don't see the person I want to be.

'Kit, open the door,' Zach says softly through the door.

I rest my head on the door and imagine him doing the same on the other side. 'Why?'

'Because I want to talk to you face to face.'

I close my eyes. I'm so tired, even after all that sleeping in the truck. I still want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever.

'Kit, open the door,' Zach says softly but firmly.

I unlock the door and Zach stands there looking exhausted. I want to hold him, to lay down with him. I want to fall asleep in his arms. 'I'm tired, Zach.'

'Me too,' Zach exhales slowly. 'It will be over soon.'

'Will it?' I ask.

Zach frowns. 'Yes. Jerico and the leaders-'

'Will listen to Louisa- Lola and decide to keep me here too,' I say flatly.

'Is that what this is about?' Zach straightens up. 'Get dressed and eat. I'll be back soon.'

Zach strides out of the room while Doll sits in a chair eating from a container. She points at a pile of clothing on the bed. 'I got you a selection, sweetheart, take your pick. There's also some food here.'

I change into a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved fitted grey top, types of clothes I only started to wear once I crossed the wall. I drop into a seat at the table and start to eat the food.

I barely taste it.

'For someone who has just found out she's no longer gonna be hunted down, you sure don't look happy about it.' Doll puts her spoon down and stares at me. 'Zach said something happened with Klein and from the marks around your neck, I'm guessing he got rough with you. Want to talk about it?'

I shake my head and put the spoon down unable to force any more food into my mouth.

'Keeping it bottled up and blaming yourself won't do you no good.'

'I don't blame myself. I never asked for him to strangle me or try to force himself on me,' I spit.

'And you shouldn't,' Doll says matter of factly.

'Do you think people really didn't know what Klein was doing?' I ask.

Doll frowns. 'I think some didn't and others choose not to know. Ignoring the signs is easier than asking hard questions which might upset people especially when you have to live in such a small place.'