Desired

37. Given Up

The vehicle rumbles underneath me. A person's body is pressed against my side, or rather I'm pressing against them. My head rests on their lap while they hold me in place. I stiffen, my thoughts muddled as I try to make sense of where we are.

'It's only me,' Zach says quietly.

I automatically relax until I realise I can't have him. We're over. I jerk up to sitting and shuffle away but there's nowhere to go, the back of this vehicle is too small already.

I twist to face Zach who is watching me. There's no smirk, no smile. He looks as exhausted and hopeless as I feel.

I want to ask why he's here but I'm too afraid of the answer because whatever way he answers it, it will only end in more pain for me. Rejection if he wants to come home and a cruel reminder of what I can't have if he came because of me.

He's free. I am not.

Evil Incarnate sits on the other side watching us.

'I need to go to the toilet,' I say.

Evil Incarnate nods and a Techie knocks on the inside of the vehicle. We stop, and everyone jerks to the side. The doors open, everyone climbs out and I follow. My legs are stiff and I shake them out. We're on a long stretch of road with nothing but grass and a scattering of sparse bushes.

This is possibly the worst place to stop to go to the toilet.

I turn to Louisa. 'I'm not going in front of everyone.'

'They don't have a problem with it,' Evil Incarnate says, gesturing at two men who have their backs to us and are urinating into the long grass.

'That's because they don't have to pull their entire trousers down when they go,' I snap.

'Are you going or not?' She asks, acting as though I'm making a fuss. I hate this woman.

'Have you got a blanket?' Zach asks.

'There's one in the back,' one of the Techie guards say. Climbing into the truck, they retrieve a blanket which they throw to Zach.

Zach walks forward holding the blanket and gestures at me to walk off the road. I follow him; not saying anything. Evil Incarnate watches us with a frown yet doesn't object.

Once we're a far enough away, Zach stops and holds up the sheet. I exhale slowly and walk around the sheet, take out the sketchpad which is still wedged in my waistband, pull my trousers down and crouch.

'Close your ears, Zach,' I say softly.

Zach chuckles. 'I think we've gone past the point of being embarrassed by hearing each other pee.'

He's right but I don't want this closeness with him. It will only make my time back in the Techie settlement more difficult. I want to forget I love him. I want to be numb when I'm put back in the white box, not lost in memories of him.

What am I saying? I'm always going to be lost in memories of him.

I pull my trousers up, pick up the sketchpad and walk around the blanket.

'Thank you,' I say curtly and walk towards the vehicle.

'I'm not giving up on us,' Zach says, stepping in line with me.

'You already did when you lied to me.' I smack the sketchbook into his chest and let go.

He grapples for the book while trying not to drop the blanket. 'I had to do something. They were after you and I couldn't let them get you.'

'But they did.'

Zach grabs my arm to stop me. 'You shouldn't have come after me. I thought if you hated me you wouldn't come after me when I diverted them away.'

I laugh bitterly. 'I love you, Zach. I love you so much I could never hate you. You told me you planned on taking me back to the Techie settlement and I still couldn't hate you.'

'I was trying to protect you, Kit. Everything I did was so you would be safe.'

'And I came after you because I wanted to protect you and that's our problem. We keep trying to save each other, to stop anyone from hurting the other but it only results in people around us getting hurt. Ben, Faith and Roman are dead because of us. Haiden and Bo nearly died.' I swivel to face him.

Looking back, I think me and Zach should have realised from the beginning we were never meant to be together. If we'd stop it then, like I knew I should have, we could have prevented a lot of hurt and pain.

I shake my head and lower my eyes. 'I'm tired, Zach. This needs to end today. You were right, we were never meant to work.'

'I didn't mean that.' Zach cups my cheek.

I blink back the tears. 'But it's true. We ignored it back then and it's only caused us problems. I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to worry about putting everyone I meet in danger because of the people after me.'

'You shouldn't have to run. What she is doing isn't right.'

'I know but there are worse places I could be.' I remove his hand from my cheek. 'You can go home now and I can stop worrying about anyone else getting hurt.' I step back.

'I lo-'

'Don't. I've made up my mind, Zach. Don't make this harder than it already is.' I swivel around and dart into the truck. Tears run down my cheeks as I close my eyes and lean my head against the cold metal.

Soon we'll be at the Techie Settlement,  I'll be put back into a box of some kind and I can forget about all this.

Forgetting won't be as easy as I want it to be.