Desired

21. Losing Something I Never Had

Outside, everyone is silently gathered in the dark. There's a pile of wood and straw, the outline of a body obscured by sticks and pieces of wood.

Raz stands in front of the pyre; Ethel and Roman each place a hand on his shoulder

Ethel faces the crowd. 'There is a saying that 'the hour of death cannot be forecast but when we say this we imagine that hour will be in the obscure and distant future. We never imagine it to be soon', and for Faith it is was too soon. Many of you saw the caring side of Faith, she helped looked after your children, she played with them and mothered them. I know everyone would agree she would have been a great mother to her child. And even though she'd only been part of this community for a short time, she made an impact many of us take years to achieve. Faith was not only caring but also courageous, she had an inner strength, and I feel privileged to have known such an amazing woman.'

Ethel nods at Raz, and he sets alight to the pyre. The flames slowly spread, people sob in the darkness while the fire turns their tears into sparkling gold droplets on their cheeks.

Raz turns to the crowd, his lip trembles as he opens his mouth to start his speech. Selfishly, I can't take any more misery. I feel like an intruder. I didn't know Faith; I didn't who she was or what she went through so I slip away.

Entering the hallway, I step in front of Zach and we both come to a halt. A surge of emotions rush over me yet only one takes my breath away.

Love.

Zach clears his throat. 'I thought you'd be outside with the others.'

Is this what it's going to be like from now on, us trying to avoid each other?

Zach runs his hands through his hair. The same hair I would often run my fingers through. Zach looks tired, his face is tense.  Is he in as much pain as me or has the guilt simply set in?

'I heard you asked to be on patrol. Do you think that's safe-'

'You don't need to pretend you care anymore,' I attempt to say angrily yet my voice wobbles betraying me by making me sound weak.

'I didn't want to hurt you-'

'But you did. I trusted you.' I furiously wipe at the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Zach's hands clench by his sides. 'It was never going to work.'

A surge of anger flares inside me. I push him in the chest and he stumbles backwards. 'Well maybe, you should have realised that before asking me to cross the wall with you; before I risked everything and lost my family.' I push him backwards. 'You lied to me.'

'If things were different-'

'If things were different Virulence could have never happened, my genetic alterations could have failed, I could have died as a baby or grown up as a Techie. If things were different, you would have been honest with me, you would have told me you didn't want to leave your home.' I shout as all the anger and confusion bubbling inside me overflows. 'I never expected you to come, Zach. After you helped me escape from your settlement, I told you to stay and it was you who wanted to come with me. Why?'

Zach presses his lips together.

'I told you to stay, but you came and then your mum said all that stuff and I blamed myself for the rejection, and all this time you planned on going back.' I step forward to push him again. Except, it's not only to show my anger; it's to get a reaction, to make him to tell me the truth, to touch him as I may never get the chance again.

Zach grabs my wrists but his hold is not tight, it's soft and gentle. It would be easy to pull myself free. I don't.

'When did you try to run away?' I whisper.

'Does it matter?'

'It does to me,' I croak. I want to know whether it was before we met me or while we were meeting in the woods. Was it with someone else? I'm hoping the answers will help me make sense of what went wrong and when. Yet, knowing won't change the past. It won't change how I feel.

Zach looks at me and for a moment I think he's going to kiss me. The realisation I probably wouldn't stop him angers me even more.

Zach lets go of me and steps back. 'You'll realise it's better this way.'

I want to shout more, to argue. I want him to shout back at me. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. Zach doesn't do any of those things. Instead, he simply walks away.

I've lost Zach. Then again, I'm not sure I ever had him to begin with.